I guess I should not be surprised. It is not like they showed up overnight. Hell, I probably could have fed all three girls since they have been around that long (is that too far:)~~~. I’ve seen women feeding their children well beyond what is the norm. In fact, I hear you can even have an orgasm from it!!!!!
Whatever excuse I can make…It is true….I have Bitch Tits! I am somewhat ashamed to admit it but I plan to conquer them and you can too! (Please read disclaimer below as I limit any liability in reducing your chesticles.)
They can come be called a variety of different names. I have come across many in my “extensive” search on Google. The ones that I have found include (Please include better ones in the comments section):
Moobies
Man Breasts
Bumpers
Wobblies
Bazookas
Moobs
Chesticles
Headlamps
Boy Knockers
Tipples
Mannary Glands
Love Lumps
Bitch Tits
Oh yeah and the stupid medical term which is not funny, gynecomastia
Whatever you want or feel the need to call them, they are not as uncommon as one would think. Some studies suggest that about 60% of men have either had them in their life or will get them. Moreover, they can come in a variety of shapes and sizes. You can have the Asymmetric, Bell Shape, East West, Side Set, Slender, Tear Drop, or Round – Click here for a full explanation. I wish I could make this shit up.
This of course does not help me….or you.
“The first step in solving a problem is recognizing there is one” – Will Mcavoy
Realizing that I need to first understand that this was a problem, I had to develop a test. All I had to do was rely on some of the greatest minds in the world – at the firehouse! What I was instructed to do was known as a slap/dunk test. These geniuses should probably have patented the process but they didn’t so I share it with you today….at NO COST AT ALL. I further refined it by adding a second test also known as the side boob test. Again, I am not going to charge you anything to use this process….maybe in the future so test away while I allow you to do it for free. In the video below, I use myself as a human guinea pig (no real guinea pigs or any other animals were injured during testing) by demonstrating the full test in less than 15 SECONDS! Do I really have a problem, you make the call – leave a comment below.
How to Conquer YOUR Man Titties
Hide Them
In your mind, these beauties were developed out of love and lots of excess food, steroids or the like. I get it friend. There is no reason to destroy what the Good Lord has “given” you. Some women are HATE YOU because of the size of your luscious mounds. In fact, Bo Derek would probably label you a “10” due to how they flop around running down the beach after the hot dog vendor who just closed up shop. Damn it, if you are comfortable with your mannery glands, please feel free to go down to your local Macy’s or Nordstrom’s and pick up the 21st century solution to this problem. Kramer (from Seinfeld) developed the first of it’s kind bra for men. He named it the Bro. See the video below.
After putting on a Bro, men have exclaimed extreme delight. Some testimonials include feeling ten years younger, that their posture has been significantly improved or that their breathing ability has become better. Characterized as too “ethic”, the name was ultimately changed to the “Manssiere” – Brassiere for Men – See the Video Below for the testimonials and the name change.
Medical procedures
Not getting because you are most likely better off with a Bro or working out. Some doctors will put you on an antiestrogen treatment or surgery – trust me they don’t look bad enough to go to that length….and famous people have them anyway so keep all the knifes and the drugs away – unless you have a serious discussion with your doctor and your therapist.
Non-medical Techniques
While there is no magic technique or exercise that will help with your man boob problem, there are things that you can do to make it better. I have read several articles and most of them say the same types of things. Lose weight, eat better and do some exercise. Well no shit. I guess I better starve myself, become a gym rat and start eating twigs and berries – LMFAO!
30 Day Challenge
We all know that this is not going to happen for most of us. My suggestion (let me reiterate that I am not a personal trainer so take my advice with a grain of salt) is that if you even make some small changes in your life, you will see improvements and reach a much more palatable result. If you decide that doing nothing is going to somehow make some changes in your life….keep banging you head against the wall and say it will feel better sooner or later. For the rest of us, this is my battle plan. I am going to do 100 push ups! Yup that’s it! Well kind of. I am going to do 100 today and add 5 more per day for the next 30 days. Doing the simple math…I’ll be doing 150 at the end of the 30 day challenge. This is something all of us can do and stick with. I am not saying to do all of them at one time. If you can do that GREAT. If you can’t (and I’m with you there), do as many as you can and stop. Take a break and do more throughout the day until you complete the number. No weights….No heavy lifting…No meat head assholes at the gym. Just simple plan to see what can happen in just 30 days. I will not guarantee that they will be gone but I will put money on it that you will not have the sloppy man pancakes that you once had.
In conclusion, I challenge you to do this and let me know your results. I plan on giving you updates as the 30 days go by to make sure you are keeping me accountable to the destruction of my man boobs. Oh yeah…and if you read this far….Please go and give us a like on Facebook. Thanks we will love you for it!
****DISCLAIMER**** Please do not do this if you like how they bounce, your wife or significant other likes calling them man flapjacks and you like wearing a Gimp mask, or they look great in a Bro. We are now planning on eliminating them once and for all. Oh yeah…And check with your doctor to make sure you are not gonna die from a little physical activity BECAUSE I will not be responsible!
I have been focusing on spending quality time daily with the girls as I have discussed in previous post. As I have been reading different articles and blogs about parenting that parents need to develop individual relationships with each of the children. Since I realized that I could do much better with giving the girls their individual time, I have been looking for ways to make this happen daily. Let me just say that it is not the easiest of activities as most of the time, all the girls want to be around whenever you are trying to accomplish things.
I am not going to say that I am winning the battle on making this happen everyday, but I am making a conscious effort to try and give the girls their own Fire Dad time. A couple days ago, I found that we had some excess avocados and tomatoes and decided that I would make some guacamole. Instead of doing it myself, I asked the girls if they were interested in being my assistant chef. Milana’s eyes lit up as she raised her hand and came running over to help. To make it more special, I recently bought a chef hat that I said she could use. She quickly ran upstairs and came back down donning her chef hat asking what she could do. Since this was our first time cooking together, I wanted to take it slow with her. I found that she was very capable and willing to do everything and anything that need to be done.
Step 1: Cutting the avocados – I figured that I would take the lead on this one as a knife in her hand might not be the best decision to make as a father and did not want to have a visit from DCFS. We split the avocados in half and plucked the seed out of the center. While she was interested in doing the cutting, I reassured her that I recently had cut my finger pretty good and that I wanted her to have all her fingers and toes when we were finished.
Step 2: Avocado Digging – Milana stepped up for this activity. I gave her a spoon and told her to scoop out all the avocados and dump them in a metal bowl. She was really quick doing this activity and actually caught a couple stems that I had left int the avocado.
Step 3: Garlic Press – This was relatively easy. Put a clove of garlic in the press and squash it. Milana tried it but she was not strong enough to do the job so this was mine. We definitely want fresh garlic. I am a garlic fan and might overdo it. In the receipe below, please reduce the garlic if you are not as big of a fan. Just FYI, after eating some of the guac, I had some of the worst burps ever. I STUNK! It probably even oozed from my pores.
Step 4: Stir and Lime Juice- Milana stepped up here and went to mixing the garlic and avocados together. As she was stirring, I added some salt and pepper to my taste level. Need some lime juice for flavor and help the avocados from browning up.
Step 5: Cut Tomatoes – Again this was a Fire Dads job. I cut them all up, removed the seeds and then chopped them up a little bit. Asst. Chef Milana then added it to our bowl.
Step 6: Chop Cilantro – Another knife job that I handled. I chopped it up pretty fine and then Milana added to the mix.
Step 7: Mix Again – Once all the ingredients are in….Mix to your desired consistency. I like having some chunks of avocado so I do not mix too much.
Recipe:
7 – Medium Avocados
4 – Medium Roma Tomatoes
4 – Cloves of Garlic
6 – Teaspoons of Lime Juice or 2 fresh limes
1 – Teaspoon of Salt (to taste)
1/2 – Teaspoon of Pepper (to taste)
Milana did an excellent job and we had a good bonding experience. I got to enjoy here in her element where she was “calling” the shots on the guacamole. What was interesting….She does not like eating new things especially when they are green. She went ahead and asked for her own small bowl and some chips….and she ate them. My belief is because she was part of the process. It was great to see.
If you are looking for some easy guacamole to make and have an assistant chef to help, give this a try and let us know how it goes!
Take a journey with me into the evenings at my humble abode. Feel the pain as I tell this tale of woe from the standpoint of the victim. As the only male that does not bark in this house, I suffer at the hands of women that have overtaken my sanctuary. In the early years, (about 7 years ago….well really never), I used to rule the roost. What I said was law and there were no people to question my authority. I could walk around in my underwear, eat Cheetos, and watch Boy Band videos without interruption and into the late evening (yeah get the visual). All of my simplicity, all of my individuality, all of my masculinity has all but been decimated by the ladies that now have taken over.
Cuddle Time Again?
It appears that I failed to read the contract and the marriage license that I signed which had a few requirements. While some of these requirements have had an effect on life in my quiet home, none has been as sinister as the Cuddle Clause. This one particular item seems to be relentlessly put in my face at every opportunity. There has never been a day that passed that this clause has not been shoved in my face. More importantly, this clause has evolved into something that most people would not be subjected to….I am literally a POC (Prisoner of Cuddle) in my own home. Feel my pain people!
It all started with Mary. It was innocent enough. We would watch a movie, and I would put an arm around her. Voila….Cuddling clause complete. If the story only ended there….I would not have to tell this tale. It has now morphed into something more evil….more sinister…..more unmentionable. I need other to understand and put themselves into my shoes. What was formally just my arm around her turned into her moving in closer and leaning on me. I was okay with this. I looked at the benefits. Extra body heat kept me warmer and I was good with that. Give them an inch and they take a mile.
Next thing I know, it was not only her warmth that I had to contend with. She started using me as her personal body pillow. First, it was her head. I’m thinking okay I’m good with that. Obviously she felt there was some unseen green light. The next thing I know, she throws a leg over me. I’m like WTF. I go ahead and move her leg off of me because I start losing sensation in my legs. Was I in the right? Obviously not! She gets offended and relates that I used to let her do this without complaint. I think this some sort of female psychological warfare that was developed by either the Skunkworks or the CIA. I started to believe that I did allow her to do this in the past. Another inch was gained.
I should have guessed the cuddling would transform into more. Well, it has evolved again…kinda like the movie Alien. Now she has moved on to laying on top of me. Here is the usual scenario:
(In a Woman’s Voice) “Hey Mike, I have a great idea. Why don’t we watch a movie? I have one in mind.
(In a Studly Man’s Voice) “Sure”
(In a Woman’s Voice) “Great….Let’s Cuddle”
(In my Head) “Oh Shit…..what did I just agree to”
I guess it would not be so bad if we actually watched the movie….or should I say that SHE would watch the movie. As it normally turns out (97% of the time), she falls asleep and I’m her personally body pillow. My arm goes numb…..she snores…..I can’t get comfortable and that is just in the first 5 minutes. To my surprise she just picked out the two and a half hour movie with extra footage.
The 3rd Minion – Bella
If this was not bad enough, she has obviously passed this trait on through some sort of training or by genetics. All three girls now have figured out that they have some sort of power of suggestion when they say the word ‘cuddle’. How could this happen? I think Mary had me somehow hypnotized where I just lose all ability to move when the word cuddle comes out. For one of my birthdays, she did take me downtown to a magician, it probably happened there. Now when Mia says cuddle….my body turns to mush (eyes still can see and I can hear). She then pulls my arm around her like a blanket. Thankfully the paralysis is temporary as I can eventually move again. Then Mary’s next minon says cuddle and boom…..I fall back into paralysis mode.
Currently with the CITs (Cuddlers in Training), it is only to the point where they lean into me. What is different is now that I am cuddling with three instead of 2. Yeah you figure this out. One under my left arm, one under my right and the third lays on top of me. Oh wait…It gets better! They have obviously been reading the Mary’s book “5 Simple Tools to Commit Heinous Cuddle Crimes Against Fire Dads”. Now I have them throwing a leg over me while they cuddle. The CITs have learned quickly and well as now I have become body pillows for four women in my once quiet non-cuddle kingdom.
Thanks for listening to my rant….If you want more, please do us a favor and like Fire Dads on Facebook by clicking here! Thanks!
It ALWAYS happens. The kids know their bedtime (2000) but they always seem to push for a little more time. They are normally in the middle of some “VERY important activity” that needs to be completed before putting their heads on pillows. It could be a karate match, a balloon game, watching the latest episode of their favorite show (that they have already watched 100 times), they become agitated that I suggest that it is bedtime. It doesn’t matter what their activity as they need to make sure they can squeak some extra time. I truly believe they think they are going to miss something monumental that happens after they fall sleep. I have attempted to reassure them that I would work on my Michael Jackson and Justin Timberlake dance moves only while they are awake. They do not seem to either believe me or just don’t care because their behavior continues to this day.
Bedtime turns into a full on negotiation with some of the best in the business. It sometimes feels like I’m a hostage negotiator with some of the best in the business. I’ll say, “Girls, you have 10 more minutes.” Their response is “15 minutes”. You think I would learn by now and say five minutes and have them respond back at ten. I think that I will need additional training from some top people in the FBI to make bedtime normal.
I know all of this is normal behavior as I did the same thing with my parents when I was young. It must be part of training while at pre-school. While the behavior is considered normal, experts suggest that bedtime can be more “normal” if you take some predictable steps which walk the children down the “night night” time path. Moreover, this same suggestion actually makes it easier for adults to enjoy more restful sleep. While you do you need to make a plan, each plan is going to be different depending on your children’s needs.
OUR PLAN
We have a “Pre” warm up to get the girls into bed on time. Think of this as your pre-game prior to Monday Night Football. This part is usually pretty normal as it requires a bedtime snack. Normally speaking, the girls like to have a couple apples cut up. They prefer it when Mary cuts them up as there are more apples to go around. I try to explain to them that they get the same amount when I cut them into eighths. Unfortunately, they are still of the mindset that more smaller pieces means they are getting more. Fortunately, this same argument works with money. A roll of pennies goes a long way!
When the snack is done, it is time for the second leg of our bedtime ritual. This has the girls putting on their PJs, brushing their teeth and go potty. Thankfully there are not too many hurdles in the second leg….unless of course someone falls over the hurdles. Sometimes we are required to play the referee for ANY issue. Should we not fulfill our duties, hostilities between the girls might heighten OR there might be a slew of tattling which rivals any Olympic doping scandal. First, make sure that each has EXACTLY one half of the step stool when brushing their teeth. If one encroaches even 1 cm off center there is going to be a fight. Second, comes the issue of an overtired child. This can be the biggest challenge as the girls become overly emotional. They will cry at the drop of a hat and then add a nice dose of stubbornness and you have a recipe for an extended bedtime. The experts suggest that children are quite tricky when they are overtired. They act normally and then a small trigger will set them off like Mount St. Helens.
If you were successful to making it this level without too much an issue. Here is where the fun starts. Each girl has some expectations at this point. First, they want to be carried to bed. It is not just a simple carry though. All of them jump up onto our bed. Then the fight is on. They all want to be taken to bed last. To be perfectly honest, I am not really sure why. Sometimes it comes down to me having them guess a number to pick their position. I then have to carry them like a princess; apparently, they have watched too many Disney movies. THIS IS REQUIRED. During the carry, I obtain my
I Do Not Plan on Going to Bed Easily
hug and kiss for the night. The next thing is the pinky swear, “Pinky swear, pinky swear, I love you. Pinky swear pinky swear stay in bed. Pinky swear pinky swear go to sleep. Pinky swear pinky goodnight. Pinky swear pinky swear don’t let the bed bugs bite”. I then proceed to tickle them which is their expectation. Thankfully, I have not tickled them too much. Next is the rub and scratch of their backs. I have to rub their backs and then scratch them. You cannot scratch too hard or too light. God forbid you cut your nails that day….you need to make sure you adjust your scratching techniques. Last, you need to turn on their nightlight. It stays on for a short time and then turns off automatically. At last they in a holding pattern with Mr. Sandman.
Word to the wise here. You really need to follow this ritual in our house or you will pay the consequences. While we have grown accustomed to their needs, the babysitters sometimes do not follow “protocol”. The kids will then proceed to play games with them by talking, getting out of bed or just being PITAs. Our successful babysitters are aware of their plan and follow it. It makes for the best possible night and quiet time at home.
What are some bedtime rituals that you have at home? What types of things have you tried and that were successful? Better yet, what have you done that did not work so well? Keep the conversation going below! Also, please do us a favor and like us on Facebook. We are pushing for our tenth like on Facebook….Please help us out!!!!!
Ever since having the kids, parties were important so that the kids got to enjoy their birthdays. My opinion is that birthdays are probably the most important days for each person (or least they should be). My reasoning is simple….the girls reach a milestone at each and every year that they grow. So many profound changes occur in each year so I think it is important to celebrate these days with the girls and their friends/family. So today marks birthday number four for my dearest little Bella. HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY LITTLE BELLA BEAN!
Normally, we have been fortunate with great weather for the girls. Since Mia and Milana have birthdays in the hotter months, they have the opportunity to have their parties at the house. We have an outside party with a water slide pool, a jumpy house, grilling food and the like. Unfortunately, Bella does not share the warm weather for her birthday. We did have a fluke last year with weather in the upper 70s and 80s in February. She did get her outdoor party but that is not of the norm. The bottom line is that we like to set up the birthday and enjoy the time with the special girl!
This year we decided to try something a little bit different. There are a lot of choices as we have been invited to some great places recently. We have been to nature centers, Fire Zone, Pump It Up and the like. Some people call these parties – “Parties in a Box”. The benefits are great in that they provide the location so your house is not trampled with tons of guests. They provide the food so you do not have to do tons of running around. They provide the entertainment and plan for the kids. With those wonderful benefits available, we decided to give Bella the option to choose a party in a box. We gave her several options and she decided on a POOL PARTY!
Centegra offers a pool parties and let me be the first to say that it was AWESOME. It started with a couple of hiccups, none were the fault of Centegra. First, someone ordered some extra snow which made the trip take about twice as long because the roads were slippery. Second, we forgot the party favors for all the kids – a little goody bag for them coming out to the party. I had to make a trip back to the house to pick them up. After that was out of the way, the party went off without a hitch.
Bella’s Party in Swing
Bella went a little overboard with the invitations and we ended up having 19 kids attend the party. Thankfully, the staff at Centegra stepped up and made it a great experience for all the kids. The party was 2.5 hours which is a lot of time for the kids to play and have a great time. It starts out with 30 mins in the Kid Zone where they have plenty of toys and a gym with basketballs. This is followed by an hour in the pool area. This is where the kids had the greatest time. They got to enjoy swimming and splashing and running and just having a fantastic event. The big hit was the water slide. Even some of the parents spent some time riding down the water slide. When I went back to some of the smaller kids, I was viciously attacked and splashed – BUT I loved every minute of it. I even was called names, well one name…Michael Jackson! After having the kids dry off, we went back to the Kid Zone for a pizza party and cake. The kids ate and stuffed themselves on the pizza which was great. Surprisingly, they had a little room to eat some cake as well. After that, it was time to go and I think that all the kids had a great time.
What was nice about having a party in a box was that I got to spend some quality time with the birthday girl. I was her personal water transport device. She climbed on my back and I swam around the shallow water. After she got tired of that, I then went down the kids water slide about what seemed about 1000 times. As soon as we got to the bottom, she grabbed my hand to do it again…and again….and again….and AGAIN. What made the whole experience the BEST was the fact that Bella said it was her GREATEST BIRTHDAY. I guess you can’t really say she has a tremendous amount of experience but it gave me a good feeling nonetheless. In her mind, this one might be difficult to make better next year….but we will try.
This would not have been the best birthday experience without a lot of help. With that I just want to wrap this post up by thanking the following people:
Centegra (Huntley) and their Kids Zone Staff and Birthday Crew
All the Parents that brought their kids out in crappy weather to celebrate Bella’s birthday
All the kids from Zion
Family that came in spite of the weather
Jewel for the great Birthday Cake (PJ Masks)
Most imporantly – Mary, Mia, Milana and of course……the Birthday Girl Bella!
Thank you all for making is a special 4th Birthday for Bella!
Milana did an excellent job and we had a good bonding experience. I got to enjoy here in her element where she was “calling” the shots on the guacamole. What was interesting….She does not like eating new things especially when they are green. She went ahead and asked for her own small bowl and some chips….and she ate them. My belief is because she was part of the process. It was great to see.
When the snack is done, it is time for the second leg of our bedtime ritual. This has the girls putting on their PJs, brushing their teeth and go potty. Thankfully there are not too many hurdles in the second leg….unless of course someone falls over the hurdles. Sometimes we are required to play the referee for ANY issue. Should we not fulfill our duties, hostilities between the girls might heighten OR there might be a slew of tattling which rivals any Olympic doping scandal. First, make sure that each has EXACTLY one half of the step stool when brushing their teeth. If one encroaches even 1 cm off center there is going to be a fight. Second, comes the issue of an overtired child. This can be the biggest challenge as the girls become overly emotional. They will cry at the drop of a hat and then add a nice dose of stubbornness and you have a recipe for an extended bedtime. The experts suggest that children are quite tricky when they are overtired. They act normally and then a small trigger will set them off like Mount St. Helens.
