I know it is going to be hard for you to believe but I have a temper. I can usually maintain a pretty good demeanor in most cases but there are certain things that can trigger the inner Hulk to appear. I do not like to admit that this happens but I figure that I am human and it is natural to get pissed. After thinking about it and actually listening to other techniques on several podcasts within the past day, I have decided that I am going to try and keep the Hulk suppressed and modify my behavior.
When I get angry, my voice goes up and I have an inner fury like no other. I looked into why parents yell in the first place and not surprisingly it is because we feel overwhelmed. The stressors outweigh our normal ability to control that anger that is boiling over. In other words, we go into the critical phase lightning quick with no safety release. To me it is important to curb this behavior because the kids look at us to be role models for them. If they see that yelling is a natural response to being angry then it should come as no surprise that they will do the same thing. Not surprisingly, I have seen this time and time again when the girls have caught onto my “tactics” for sensory overload and attempt to yell their way to a successful outcome. Some sound advice from an individual that has a lot more letters after her name than I do is that after providing safety for your children your next job to to control your emotions.
Since working in the fire service, I realize that firefighters deal with significant stressors at least on the job. Our calls are not for people feeling great that just want to have us over for coffee and a chat, we deal with the bad days these people are having. In the end, firefighters seem to have the ability to figure out how to make things better which is something I hope the public appreciates. Unfortunately, when you have a long day (training, meetings, shift work, calls all day, more meetings, more training, calls throughout the night), it can lead to a reduction in our ability to handle the daily stressors including at home.
Mia not being a happy camper
So the other day, I was already lacking in sleep but went and worked at the PD. While on patrol, I received a phone call from Mary. I could tell she was PISSED OFF. She told me that she needed to walk away from a situation that occurred at home. She then went on to say that Mia and her had an argument concerning having a piece of candy before bed. Mary told her that she could not and Mia became quite angry. What can I say she is a chip off the ole’ block (hence why I need to change my behavior). Some words were exchanged which is not too surprising but what happened next raised my stress level to a 15. She said Mia attempted to kick her. I was ready to take my squad on a high speed trek home to unleash the hounds of hell on Mia. I had Mary put me on speakerphone and I did a good job of raising my voice and pretty much required her to sign over her first child to the gypsies as part of her punishment. A wise person once told me that if it feels good to you during an angry incident, you probably should not do it. BUT I DID NOT CARE. I saw GREEN!
After I had an opportunity to calm myself, I realized that I was being an asshole…plain and simple. Did I really want Mia to think this was an appropriate response when we are dealing with anger? Did I want her to use yelling as the method on how to solve her problems? Obviously, you know the answer otherwise I would not be writing this post.
I happened to find a “fatherly” podcast known as the Dad’s Edge. I have been reading the host’s book (which I will post about later) so I figured I would listen to his podcast. What he said changed my thought process (at least for now) on how to deal with things that piss us off. First, he said that kids shut us off after about 3-4 seconds of being yelled at. After that, it is kind of like the Peanuts cartoons where all you hear is “Wa Wa Wa Wa Wa”.
Obviously, this does not lead to such an optimal result. He said instead of yelling and screaming and giving direct orders, we need to create more space and ask more questions so we can bring them into the conversation. Normally, we take the easy way out and start yelling but we should be doing something like this example (dirty room):
“Hey Mia, I notice that your room looks a little cluttered, what do you think? Does it look cluttered to you?” – Response Yes it does. – “Well what do you see?” – Child responds about what they see as being wrong – “Yes I agree with you and I see all those things. Which one of those things would you like to take care of first?”
At this point you bring the child into the conversation. It gives them the ability to choose what is going to be done first. This will most likely get them to do things without a fight because of this choice. Additionally, this new approach will hopefully help me suppress in my inner Hulk from again showing up.
In conclusion, I already stated that I felt pretty shitty that I had lost my marbles with Mia over the phone. I felt I needed to “fix” this like I do other people’s lives at the firehouse. Needless to say, I got home about 0030 and everyone was sleeping. I immediately went upstairs (like I always do when I work the PD), gave her a kiss on the head and told her that I loved her. To my surprise, she reached up put her arms around me and told me that she loved me too. I told her that we would talk in the morning about what happened earlier. She said, “Okay daddy, goodnight – I love you”. Talk about one of those melting moments. UGH – I really do love being a dad.
In the morning, she came into our bedroom. I told her that we needed to have a talk. With calmer minds, we went to her bedroom and closed the door. I told her that it really hurt me what she had done to Mary. I asked her if she would have done the same to me and she replied “No”. I asked if she would have done it to her teacher, she replied “No”. I told her that she could not do that to her mommy either because it really hurt me deeply and made me look bad with Mary. I told her that I sometimes get angry with mommy and I have said some bad/hurtful things as well but we cannot do it anymore. I told her that I was going to try and get better about it so that should would not “mimic” my bad behavior anymore. I asked her if she could do the same and she said “Yes”. We then talked about a fair punishment because selling her off to gypsies was not an option. We agreed that she would lose ten stars (our way of rewarding good behavior), she would not get any special treats for a week and that I would take away her Valentine’s Day candy for a week. She agreed it was fair. We hugged and that ended it.
I’m going to be perfectly honest, it was MUCH better on me that we did it that way then what occurred the night prior. I felt good and I think she felt good that she had been heard as well. She knew there would be a punishment and we worked on it together to find a common middle ground. I am proud to say that I am trying to make things just a little more comfortable at home…and now I found a way to improve myself!
Psst….Come in a little closer because I have a secret for you. No…A little closer. Ok…Let me lay it down for you. The secret is that all children are different and they need their individual time with their Fire Dad. Whoa this is earth shattering and dogs and cats are now living together. I might be a little slow on the uptake but this finally has hit home for me by watching the girls behaviors and my most recent meeting with Milana’s teacher. I finally have realized that each of the girls needs to have their alone time with me so I can see who they truly are.
Bella Feeling Special
The struggle that we have in our house (and it is no where near as nutty as some other people’s schedules) is that we always seem to be doing “something” and have no time that is dedicated to each individual child. Mia goes to school, comes home at about 1545 and then we spend at least an hour on homework – several books per day that she needs to read, math pages each day and then other “special projects”. I do not remember this level of homework when I was a child or that parents have to be so involved with homework. Now on top of this you have to fit baths, dinner, parent job things and “other” activities into the schedule before a bedtime of 2000. I really am fascinated at how parents get this done on a regular basis. Sometimes I think I am continually stuck in a loop like in Groundhog’s Day. I feel like I am more worn out at home than I am working at the fire department.
Unfortunately, with all this time spend with Mia, diminishes the amount of individual time with Milana and Bella. I thought we were doing a good job with giving individual time with all the girls but I was WRONG! My wake up call came recently when Milana told Mary that she “did not fit into this family”. Additionally, her teacher advised us that Milana was doing really well in school and appeared to not being challenged. These two things lead me to making some changes in how much interaction I have with the younger two so as to have her find her space in the family. I now realize that I need to focus on spending individual time with Milana and Bella as well.
Why Individual Time is Important
First, it strengthens the bond between a parent and a child. I’m guessing that it is easier with one child since they would receive all the time with their parents. When you have multiple children, there is a constant struggle with the finite time that exists. The more the kids, the less individual time for each child. Just like we enjoy individual time with our friends, the same goes for children. In groups, we act one way and completely different on an individual basis. Children will open up about things that normally would not be talked about in a group setting. This “opening up” leads to a stronger bond with the child and has them find their place in the family.
Second, individual time with a child might cut back on attention getting behavior. As stated previously, children are fighting for a parent’s attention whenever they get some have you as an audience. They will do things that normally they would not do because they want to capture your attention. We have had instances where the girls will do something just to see how we react to their behavior. They know what they are doing is wrong but they want a response. Some experts suggest that children would take negative attention if that is all that they are getting. If you provide them with a positive response and experience, the level of negative behavior would diminish.
Third, individual attention will build up self-esteem in “quieter” children. Some kids have issues with self esteem. Using the individual time to your advantage, you have the opportunity to build and reinforce your child’s self esteem. They have an opportunity to know they are special and that your love and attention are focused directly on them. With the girls, Mia is my introvert, Milana is my extrovert and Bella is just a future terrorist err I mean a good mix between the two. I can see a difference when time is spent with each girl. By taking the time to spend that “individual” time with the quiet child, you have an opportunity to draw them out and stop them from hiding in the shadows of their more extroverted child.
Fourth, individual time provides an opportunity find out your child’s desires and needs. Sometimes, their little voices get overshadowed with all of life’s daily activity. This gives a parent the opportunity to focus on what is going on with the child. It is almost like putting the child under a microscope to see what makes them tick. I have sat down with Milana and realized that she really wants to do spelling the words like Mia does and wants to read her books. She is a confident and very smart little girl that just wasn’t heard before.
Last, it gives you the opportunity to really get to know your child. It is quite interesting when the girls come home and we try to talk about what happened at school. The conversation really has all of them competing for time so you never get a full story of what happened. We seem to get bits and pieces from each girl and try to recreate it. We find that if we don’t have that one on one time with each girl, we do not find out what happened or what is going on with them. An example of this (believe me there are plenty), was with Mia and an issue at school. We could tell that something was wrong since she arrived home from school. In front of the other girls, she did not offer any information. We finally found out she had issues with classmate at bedtime when she got alone time with us. Needless to say the problem resolved itself but she was unwilling to talk about it until alone with us.
The bottom line is that parents need to find the time to make individual time with each child happen. Will it happen every day? Will it happen with both parents without fail? Well….I do it everyday without fail. LIE! I know it is a priority and try to set aside time with the girls so I can make it happen. This is something that I will focus on to try and make individual time with the girls a priority. I need to put down my computer and put other things on hold until this important time is taken care of.
What Can You Do?
Milana Working on a Project
So how do we find time in our day to make this individual time happen? Surprisingly, it does not require tremendous effort on a parent’s part but just needs to be individual time with one child. Initially, it might be difficult but setting up boundaries with the other kids so that they know it is “special time” with one child is important. Some activities that you can do include:
Exercise – take a walk around the neighborhood together, sit-ups, jumping jacks, push ups, etc. This is a benefit for both of you!
Chores – have them make up their bed with you, work with them to fold their clothing, put items away into pantry together.
Read – Find their favorite book and curl up together and read together. Take turns reading to one another.
Projects – Things need to be done around the house. Kids like to help and see what you are doing so now is your opportunity to bring them in individually.
Errands – Take one child with you to run errands…just make sure you switch it up so that each child rotates into the “special child” position.
Games – Play a good game of checkers, connect 4, or other special game!
Cooking – Have a “special cook” for the night where one child ends up helping the chef make the food for everyone.
What other ideas do you have for activities? Leave a comment below to help other people make life special for their little ones!
Well if you are staying up with us….this is part Duex (I’m trying to tickle your fancy with the language of love; for all you other barbarians like myself we are at Part 2) . Catch your self up on Part One by clicking here. For the rest of us it’s time to move on to the sixth tip on being a better father to your daughters.
Be Respectful of Others
JAJ – Just Another Jerkoff
One of the biggest challenges that I am seeing in the girls is that they are developing their own self images. Even at young ages, I see how they are looking at the clothes they are wearing and the things that they are saying at home. Based upon what other parents have told me….this only gets worse especially for women. Let me just say that women can be MEAN. While we can be like a bunch of hens at the firehouse (cackle cackle cackle), there can be some tremendous venom that comes from the ladies. What gives me pause is that now with four women in the house….It means I need to get another male dog to take some of the lickings!
My best bet here and for other the other Fire Dads that have daughters is that we need to be careful of what we say to others….especially women. I wish I could say that I am an expert in the matter….I’m much more a novice in this area. I make comments all the time (quite a bit when I am driving and have the girls in the car with me). This is an area where I need to work. Who would have thought they would have understood the word “jerkoff”. Putting it into context that they heard it….Woman is driving next to me playing with her phone, putting on makeup or reading a book while driving. My response, “Pay attention to the road you jerkoff”. Not thinking that I have been heard, I think nothing of it until about a week later. I am again driving and this time only say, “Geez, learn how to drive”. Bella’s response, “Daddy, is she a jerkoff?”. Oh how their minds are like sponges. While my immediate response is to tell her “Wow, honey you are so observant”….I figure this will be frowned upon….Especially if she uses it in pre-school. This one will take me some time to work on self control and try to filter my anger. The last thing I want to do is have an effect on their self image since they all are watching to get an idea of what to expect from people.
Share Hobbies
It is important have have some commonalities between a Fire Dad and their girls. It is just like any other relationship, you need to have these to crate a strong connection or bond. It is a great experience now as they are really starting to explore the different kinds of activities that interest them. I do enjoy watching them do their sports but cannot always participate with them. When they first started in gymnastics, a parent would need to be with them to keep them from wandering around the gym. It was fun to see them having fun. Since they have been getting older, now they do the activities with their instructors. We have done gymnastics and karate in the past. Currently, we are in swimming and basketball. I try to be with them as much as I can with attending their practices/training at the health club. I also will try and bring them a lot to the water parks so that they can have more fun in the water. With the basketball, they do not allow the parents in the gym with the kids; too much of a distraction.
Back at home, the world revolves around three things…..dolls, ART and music. The epicenter for all activities was once known as my man cave. Let’s just say I have been emasculated and it has become a Barbie palace, art room and a music studio. While some other parents I know have dedicated space and draw a line that defines areas as their own, I keep moving the my line further and further back. I’m loosing my land to the girls….They have bamboozled me and taken over “my basement” by eminent domain.
Welcome to Barbie’s Nudist Colony
Alright….I want you to think of your worse Barbie nightmare….and multiply it by ten. Come down to Barbiepoolza and you run the risk of losing your head literally. Moreover, it looks like Barbie and her friends have all joined a nudist colony as the majority have been completely stripped down and frolic around with all of their other naked friends; driving, walking around the house or a night on the town – naked is the way to go! I almost feel dirty climbing over the casualties that have just finished with their latest “party” at the playhouse. I have not done too much playtime at the playhouse but maybe in the future as long as my dolls stay clothed.
Vomiting Art Monster’s Lair
The art room is the other exciting area in the basement. I think it is important for the kids to express their artistic talents. The girls have access to everything that screams art – crayons, colored pencils, glue, paint and all the other art supplies. Sometimes, I am asked to come down to view an art show…other times I am allowed down to do art with them…..in my former work room. Wanna see what it looks like when an art monster vomits? My little artists are very good at doing their art but not so good to clean it up. I like hanging out with them and doing some artwork with them. They seem to really enjoy their time doing their “art projects” with me….Sometimes, I am lucky to even get one made specifically for me which makes me feel special.
The other special thing that we share is that we pump up the jam. I have created a music playlist with songs that they like from Amazon Music. Each of them picks a song when we are downstairs and we all sing along and and choreographed dance moves in to impress the others. You think Justin Timberlake has a chance against me? Hell no…I am Michael Jackson. You think Pink has a beautiful voice? Just wait til my little songbirds start spreading their wings. My little multi-taskers enjoy doing their art and singing with me. Bring it on NSync, Michael Jackson, Jojo Siwa, Pink, Shakira, Maroon 5, Dwayne “the Rock” Johnson and the rest….We can out sing you any day.
With six and seven making quite a splash, we will have to save the remaining three for part 3. Stay turned, like us on Facebook and Unleash Your Hero at Home!
Yeah…I know what you thinking. “Mike with six (6) years underneath your belt, how the heck could you provide any tips on being a great Fire Dad”. Well I’m here today to debunk you naysayers with all my wonderful credentials
I have a PhD – NOPE
I am a licensed psychologist – NOPE
I am a counselor of sorts – NOPE
I have countless years of experience (parent, grandparent, etc) – NOPE
I deal with children daily (well sometimes at the firehouse)
I have a license – YES – Illinois Driver’s License
Well now that I have your attention and you know that I am well versed to give you advice…LET’S GET STARTED. Here is my TOP TEN TIP LIST on being the BEST FIRE DAD. (more…)
Is it true? This Fire Dad is becoming a woman? Well it might be true if you see the types of things that are considered feminine. Take a look at these criteria below to determine how I fare when battling my inner princess. Will I end up a princess……or a macho Fire Dad?
Using Beauty Products
Blackheads Anyone?
Let’s just nip this one in the bud right away. I know there are plenty of guys that will sing the accolades of getting their “manis and pedis” done on a regular basis. Some are very concerned that their cuticles are in perfect form and their hands are soft as butter. You will not find me at the local nail shop anytime soon as I find better ways to spend my time and money. However, I do like to watch some of the videos on Youtube where they use beauty products to do some pretty badass things. I think we can all agree that watching videos where some idiots will do things like waxing and so on will make you giggle.
