I’m not an advocate for violence. I prefer to walk away when things start to get heated. I figure it is not worth the aggravation that goes along with getting into a fight (verbal or physical). I was not always this way. I was definitely game to start getting physical or verbal talking some trash. Those times had passed a while ago…or so I thought. A event that happened today kind of stoked some coals and the eyes started glowing red to the point that someone needed a certified USDA Grade A bitch slap.
The place was McDonald’s Crystal Lake. I know you are probably not going to give me the Dad of the Year award after having that for dinner. Well the kids had a sleep over and that was the only place that the kids could agree on. The reason for that one is they have a playland. I get to kill two birds with one stone: the animals all get fed and they get to burn off their energy so it’s an easy sell for bed.
This trip was different. There were plenty of kids already there. Looking around I saw a couple of small groups then a larger group of people with some VERY large people in it. To go further, this group gave the white trash population a bad name. I got to see the some really tight clothes that probably were made for people for people much smaller. I’m still amazed to this day of the “strength” of spandex. This was probably their yearly outing from eating squirrel and alligator in their house down by the water. They were definitely dressed to the nines.
They had a group of about 8-9 kids with them. The kids seemed fine at first but I noticed that they were starting to block the use of the playland area from other kids. They sat at the end of slides and wouldn’t let any other kids come down. The girls and their friend attempted to play around them but the WT kids were calling them “jerks” and spitting on them. I had all the girls come back and they were pretty upset about how the other kids were playing. It turns out that it was a group of three kids that were really the problem. Being the bigger person, Mia told the parents of the child how they were misbehaving. The response from the dad was that they should just not go by the kids. Well easier said then done as the playland is not enormous and they continued to have interaction. The girl then caused more problems as Mia tried to tell her to stop.
Then Mia came back crying to me. She told me that one of the girls (oldest about 8-9 yo) had hit her. At this point, diplomacy with idiots did not help. I’d had enough. I told Mia that she had to deal with the words. I told her she needed to stay away from the other kids. I then told her that if the girl hit her to go ahead and hit her back. Probably not the best advice but I’m not going to have Mia or any of the girls be a punching bag if the parents do not want to step in and stop bad behavior. Mia’s response surprised me. She told me “Dad that is not right. I’ll get in trouble”. I guess I was proud of her for not sinking to my level. I told her that I would back her if she chose to do it and that some people are always going to be bad people.
Well I’m sure you probably continued to read thinking that an all out fight occurred. It didn’t. Thinking more about it, I figured it would be best to leave. Some people are just going to be assholes and its probably better that a fight not happen as much as my “early Mike” wanted to kick in. We ended up leaving with Mia being very upset that people could be like that. Thankfully, a little more discussion and Mia finally calmed down and the trip home was uneventful.
Sorry about the rant….but I do not understand this lack of just being a decent human being. I’m not gonna lie….having Mia haul off and crack this little asshole would have been epic BUT it’s probably better that it didn’t happen. On to another day!
So before I get started with this one, I wanted to preface this by saying that on Wednesdays we will be doing our Have You Ever series. It is a fun way of publishing what most parents have roll through their mind at some point in their lives….or in some cases many times per day.
Did you parents ever tell you that they were going to sell you to the gypsies? I cannot tell you how many times my father told me this. Interestingly, he never followed through on his threats although I’m sure he wanted to at many points in my childhood. This led me to thinking on how to best prepare myself and the girls to make this happen should Mary ever give me the green light. Hearing the countless amounts of requests across the globe by parents wanting to sell their children to gypsies, Fire Dads has done something that no one even thought was possible. In partnership with IAG (International Association of Gypsies) and several other non-noteworthy governmental agencies, have created the FIRST AND ONLY Gypsy Training program that is guaranteed to bring the highest price for your children. This is unlike any other training program that you have put your children through. It will be taxing….It will be emotional….It will put them over the edge against all the other children that are waiting in line per their parents. Previous “clients” have seen prices double and sometimes triple for their children when they sell their children by following our patented program. I wish I could share all the testimonials…but we are weary of our competitors stealing our secret sauce.
The training program is officially known as GTX-90 – Gypsy Training Xtreme – the only patented and parent approved gypsy training program in the world. It will train you how to train your children (train the trainer program) so that you can get a premium when you pull the trigger on the sale of your child. What can you expect from our training program? Let’s find out!
Disk 1
Situational Awareness 101 – Being aware that selling children is alright especially to a band of gypsies. Also, how to see that a sale of your child is imminent.
Fortune Telling 101 – This is a basic class on what fortune telling is all about. Expect to learn the history of fortune telling from its inception to modern trickery. Learn the secrets from experts that have had people pay them countless amounts of cash for information that a monkey could have developed. Learn basic hand reading and tarot card readings.
Be the Best New Gypsy – Developing the proper mindset to being a gypsy can be difficult. This teaches parents what exactly are the “best practices” of gypsy-hood. It gets you and the children aware of what lies ahead.
Disk 2
Gypsy Dress – Learn the secrets of how to kill in in the gypsy fashion world. Learn color combinations that will make the opposite sex lose their marbles….literally. By the end of this section, you will be able to coordinate a look that would make gypsies across the globe cringe (think Princess Elsa mixed with a bag lady).
Basic Tambourine Banging – Music is certainly an important part of gypsy life. Being a nomadic group, there is a need for enjoying some beautiful music from time to time. Year ago the girls got a complete music kit which includes a tambourine. They also got a Frozen musical ensemble which included a second one. To ensure I have them all in rhythm we have regular tambourine practice in the living room for 90 minutes on M, W, F.
Crystal Ball 101 – Learn the basics of how to look in a clear object and pretend like you see stuff….like lots of shit. Experts show you how to rub and stroke orbs to make people believe that you know what you are doing. Also covered in this section is to make up weird “voices” and facial expressions so that people believe that spirits are being channeled into the crystal ball. Experts tell you what general statements will force people to come forth with additional information to make you look like a master fortune teller.
Disk 3
Retail Thieving – Probably one of the most important skills that can be learned as gypsy. Learn the skills of a master retail thief. How to properly look over your shoulder. How to move to an area not covered by surveillance cameras. Best methods on jumping over fences when the FUZZ is on your tail. Proper “crotching” techniques. How to stuff your pants and not look fat.
Advanced Tambourine Banging – This one takes up where the basic course leaves off. You will be able to properly wiggle to the music and hypnotize potential victims with moves like Shakira.
Fire Juggling – Not for the light hearted. This is why it is on disk 3 as opposed to disk 1. Fire is dangerous but if you can master this skill you will be identified as a Master Gypsy – many have tried and few have succeeded. Fire will dance if you pick this one up.
Disk 4 – BONUS
Not one….not 2….not 4…but 6 stories from real life gypsies who have KILLED IT. They will describe how their lives were changed forever as part of the GTX-90 program. They will cover where they started and how far they have come. This disk is worth the entire cost of the program!
What would you be willing to pay for a program? We have been told that our program BLOWS the competition out of the water. We have had people say that had they had this program prior to selling their children that they would have gotten paid more money. We have seen our program being sold on the black market for over $1000.00. But you are not going to pay $1000.00. You are not even going to pay 50% of that? If you purchase today during the next 10 minutes, we will sell it to you for $249.49. That is right folks. For less than a cup of coffee per day (K-Cup spread of 12 months), you can have this training to maximize the price for your child.
Folks…this is not all. If you order your GTX-90 program within the next 48 1/2 seconds, we will ship you a 2nd program for a loved one at no additional cost (you just pay a very large amount of money in S/H fees). Call NOW – 1-800-I WANNA SELL MY CHILD and place your order before it is too late!
Oh why are you holding out on liking FireDads.com Facebook page? We still love you but I might be selling you next unless you click here and like us?
It truly is a magical experience to have kids. At least that was what I thought until the need for potty training and wiping their asses. That to me is not so magical. I’m not sure what I thought on this one. I knew it to be a dirty mess. Hell I have 45 years of experience and consider myself an expert in the field. I thought I knew it all until…well I didn’t.
It’s natural right? Like a little baby bird. Momma bird throws the little bastard out and WHAM you are either flying or are a pile of bird soup. Does this work with potty training? Is there a way to replicate this? NOPE. It takes times and a shit ton of PATIENCE to make it happen.
I remember when I was young and my dad said that he had “wiped enough asses in his life”. I think he secretly was looking forward to the day that payback would occur and I would be all up in there with gas mask, gloves and a biohazard suit. After three girls, I finally understand where he was at….and that there will be payback (insert maniacal laugh).
I’m not sure of science behind it but the girls were quick to being potty trained. It was probably good that Mary was very much on top of it the entire time. Mia was potty trained the quickest. She had it down and was quite impressive. It’s like a light bulb turned on and it was go time. She was super proud of herself every time. We started her on her own little pink potty but she quickly graduated to a kiddie seat on the potty. This was great as we could always transform any potty into a potty she was ready to tackle. The only issue we had with her was trying to guess when she needed to go. It was an art rather than a science…and if your art was wrong, she was going to be PISSED! She did not like sitting on the toilet or any length of time. My theory was if I left her there long enough, the magical event would happen and BOOM. She obviously did not see it the same with me. It took bribes of candy….reading of books….sitting in the bathroom with her otherwise it would be a screaming match. Did she not know that some of my best ideas come out while I sit on the toilet. It’s kinda of like a poor man’s study.
Milana was very quick to the potty training as well. She had it down quickly and learned how to wipe as well. It was during her potty training time that I was a bad “potty coach”. I found out that boys and girls are different. The debate came out between me and Mary about the proper wiping direction. I never really put much thought into this and just always wiped forward instead of back. She insisted that it needed to be done the opposite direction. Then it finally sank in….thankfully I did not cause any infections. Oh I did have to say that I was wrong to Mary because she was not going to let me live that down. Who really wipes backwards? It is just so awkward….Women apparently do!
Ah Bella….yeah this one was a challenge. While she was potty trained quicker than most kids at her school, she was a little resistant to the game plan. I’m thinking, “yeah the other two did so well, Bella will be on board with this”. That is what I thought but she was a hand full. She would cry and whine and cause a big ruckus on the potty due to us trying to time it. When she finally got it….I was like “thank god I’m finally done with this potty thing”…at least that was what I thought.
Poop….Such a dirty and smelly thing. There is no redeeming value in the little brown nuggets. Hell it does not even need to be nuggets, it can be the soft serve variety….it could be explosive…whatever it is…..It is just plain nasty. That being said, I thought with the girls “potty trained” that the only ass I’d wipe is my own. I had faith that the girls were doing a good job. I would ask if they wiped and would always get “yes”. I was satisfied with that until Mary wasn’t. I had to make the pilgrimage to the laundry to be shown the mighty streaks in the underwear. Damn it….back to wiping I went. It took a little time to work on technique with Mia and Milana. After a short period of time and the use of wipes….We nailed it. No more issues; their little butts were clean! Bella….not so much. I’m starting to think she thinks that Mary and I are her personal ass wipers. I’ve seen fluffers before but not official ass wipers. Do I get a badge for this? Do I get hazard pay? Do I have to do this until she is 18? When the hell does it kick in?
Currently, she is unwilling to do the dirty work herself. We are trying the same techniques that were used on Mia and Milana (and worked) and they are not working with Bella. She is my little lazy girl. When she is done….”[Parent Name], I went poo poo!”. I should just give her a bell…at least I would feel like I was an official servant. So on goes the saga of getting Bella on board with wiping. It will continue to be a struggle, but I’m sure we are on the verge of winning the war of poop.
What challenges have you faced? Am I the only one with these types of issues? Do you feel my pain? Do you care:0?
Reach out below in the comments….oh and please make sure you like Fire Dads on Facebook….or I’ll send Bella over to potty train with you!
(Sorrowful Music playing) I’m innocent. I never try to cause debate and spit venom in my house (well maybe a little). That being said, I still enjoy a good debate until it turns plain ugly. I was recently attacked viciously by Mary….and it was all about an egg.
Let me paint the picture for you so you know that I was not at fault. It was a quiet day….like most of my days at home. I was sitting in the sun room enjoying a quiet afternoon while the children were fast asleep. I was in my nice warm jammies and slippers. I had my crochet needles out and was knitting an outfit for a group of some poor innocent children. I peered up from it for a moment and noticed that Mary was filling eggs for our upcoming Eggapoolza 2018 (2nd Annual Easter Egg Hunt). Being the most wonderful, awesome, hottest, incredible, and subtle person in the world, I decided that I would assist (even though I had already done 350 eggs on my own). I smiled and asked, “Most darling wife, can I please help you with your hard work of stuffing eggs”. Without a word, a half an egg quickly was tossed at my head. Thankfully, my spidey sense was tingling and I was able to dodge the egg destined to cause permanent disfigurement.
Not wanting to be injured further by such violent outbursts, I quickly started filling the eggs. It was going so smoothly until suddenly….it happened. I was viciously attacked by Mary and then had salt poured in the wound by all of her Facebook friends. What was reason I was attacked? It all comes down to which part of a plastic egg is the top. I have not really put too much thought into which end was the top and which was the bottom. I thought it was pretty clear which was which. Apparently, I was COMPLETELY wrong….according to them. While there are many parts of a real egg, there are only two parts to a plastic egg, namely the pointy portion and the blunt portion. All I said was that the top portion was the non-pointy section. You would think that I have just insulted the human race by the look I received from Mary. She chuckled….She guffawed…..She slapped me with her eyes. I was crest fallen and beaten down like a dog. I needed some help….some backup….some science!
I needed guidance….I needed to feel loved….I needed to ask the almighty oracle….GOOGLE. It seemed like days after I typed www.google.com in the URL bar until the search bar came up. I knew I had to be careful as to be fair to all parties involved. I searched “which side of the egg is the top”…even before I completed my query Google assisted me in my quest. Obviously this question has plagued mankind for……well a very long time! As I hit the enter button to see the results, I could feel a bead of sweat cascading down my brow toward my shirt. I knew there was no turning back now. Was I really wrong? Would science back Mary and all of her friends? Could I ever live with myself after today?
What I found shocked me! I WAS RIGHT! The pointy end was considered the bottom of the egg. It was all science as I quickly learned. I showed Mary this information and she again laughed at me. Who was this person reporting it? Well for starters, it was done on a science based website. Second, the individual that wrote it had a Bachelor’s in Science and a Masters in Zoology. I would think a person with that kind of education would trump some other people with less knowledge. Well, let’s just say it did not sway her or her friends. The continued the attacks and saying that the pointy portion was the top.
After countless hours of crying by myself, I finally regained my composure. I realize that some people will continue to disagree with you even when science is on your side. It’s probably the next conspiracy theory!
This is the second installment to help all you Fire Dads on raising your daughters. If you missed the first one, you can find it here. You know you should catch up on all of my posts as I build upon my “vast” knowledge on parenting that you can implement immediately (might not be your best option in some cases). In this post, I plan to follow up on other things you need to know to ensure you daughter grows up the right way! So let’s get it on!
Daddy Always Knows Best
I wish most people would realize this to be an absolute. Men use logic and reason in their decision making and this gives me ALL the right answers in all cases. NOT! It’s kind of like looking in the mirror and seeing myself with a ripped body, six pack, and Brad Pitt face when in reality I have a muffin top, 4 abs that show up when I really suck it in (2 are currently lost underneath my baby fat – thanks kids), and man boobs.
My real belief is that the girls need to have the ability to hear from both me and Mary (uggh she is never going to let me live that statement down). As young as they are, they are each developing their own personalities have in most cases can make good decisions. Not surprisingly when you have so many women in the same house, I am regularly overruled. As much as I HATE to lose, I try to let it go and not dwell on it when the girls have their own opinions.
Don’t Shame Your Daughter’s If She Is Not Girlie
As I stated above and in previous articles, each of the girls are very individual in nature and what I would call “works in progress”. They are still trying to figure out their likes and dislikes. They seem to change on almost a daily basis. For instance, my best Box Elder Beetle catcher used to be Mia. She had no fear on grabbing these little pests, carrying them to the toilet and giving them the big heave ho. I would intentionally look around for them so that I could watch her “hunt” them. I know this is gross but she got a little heavy handed at times and sometimes came out missing wings or legs before they met their watery grave. This is the polar opposite to Mary who almost has convulsions when a bug or spider needs to be captured. She starts making a sound similar to a cat with a hair ball.
It is my entertainment after saying “No” when she asks me to handle it. Unfortunately, my former beetle catcher Mia has fallen victim to her mother’s “disease” and she won’t capture bugs for me. Thankfully, Bella still will help capture and dispose of those little bastards Box Elder Beetles
Daughters Like Many Things – Not Just Girlie Stuff
I am not into forcing the girls into doing anything. My only requirement is that they participate in at least one activity to work on relationships and get some extra exercise. Some parents that I watch will only put their daughters into “girl” sports. I do not have them same mentality. After watching the Women’s Team USA Hockey Team take the gold this year, I am game for anything for the girls. They have done gymnastics, karate and are all currently in swimming and Mia is playing basketball. If they decide they want to play hockey, lacrosse or become MMA fighters, I might be a little apprehensive at first but would probably allow them to try it.
Out of the girls, Milana is the one that is most girlie and is not into getting too dirty. She likes to play with dolls and dress up and having on bling (I pity her future boyfriends – Diamonds, Fine Dresses and Nice Girly Things). Mia is more into helping me doing things around the house. She assisted me putting mulch into a wheelbarrow and moving it around the yard. She’ll pull up her sleeves and get her hands dirty if she wants to try something. Bella is probably the most extreme non-girlie girl out of the three. This little bruiser will probably be my future MMA fighter and her poor boyfriend will probably have “unexplained” black and blue marks and fat lips. Whatever they want to do or try I will support them because I want them to explore life and enjoy being kids and young adults.
Emotions are Normal…..
Ugh this one is rough for me. I’m not a very emotional person and call out the girls when they are being overly emotional – probably not the best thing to do. Mary says I am very robotic with my response due to my lack of emotions. Apparently, this is not overly beneficial to girls according to some of the respondents to the survey. It has effected them negatively and created issues with their fathers. I count on Mary to provide more of the emotional support as I am not sure if this is something that can be learned. My goal out of this is no longer to laugh and point at them when they are being emotional. Well I don’t point but I do call them out if they start crying during a movie. Such a bad dad! I will allow them to enjoy their emotions like the movie Inside Out!
There were other ones that they talked about in the article but they do not really apply at this point in my life. For instance, do not make comments about your daughter’s bodies. Some fathers make comments about their daughters boobs. I don’t know if I’m alone but I am not looking at my girls now or in the future and making comparisons of their body parts to their friends. That to me is a little gross.
If you want to read the full article, you can find it here. OH and while you are reading it or after you have finished, why don’t you go back and give us a like on Facebook so we have more than 3 friends! If you don’t, I will make comparisons of your man boobs versus your best friend!
I remember when I was young and my dad said that he had “wiped enough asses in his life”. I think he secretly was looking forward to the day that payback would occur and I would be all up in there with gas mask, gloves and a biohazard suit. After three girls, I finally understand where he was at….and that there will be payback (insert maniacal laugh).