I was reading an article today that I thought I would add my two cents about. The article can be found here and deals with what daughters wished their fathers knew as they were growing up. Normally, I would not incorporate this type of post regarding a few lone wolves PMSing over some wrongs that their fathers did to them. I changed my mind when I saw that the Reddit question ended up garnering 13,000 responses in a 24 hour time period. Obviously, I needed to investigate as I have three of these little troublemakers. I am always willing to learn from the mistakes of others….so I can pretty much make the same mistakes again and again and again.
Getting Knowledgeable About Woman Issues
Women have issues this is not a big surprise (j/k – figured that would get you all tuned in). Let us just say that have “things” go on that are much different than things with boys. Thankfully, none of these “things” has reared its ugly head as of yet. Right now, while they know they are different than boys, they have not figured out how much. I’m not going to lie here but some of the issues do cause me some cold sweats at night. My biggest fear is that all the women in the house start to cycle together. This is the time where Fozzie and I will be living for an “extended” time in the basement together. Occasionally, we will make sure there they have not ended each other.
All that aside, I will always be there to discuss things with them. While it might make me a little queasy at times, based upon my “extensive” medical training I can handle the good, bad and ugly. Discuss periods….I can do it. It’s just blood right? How hard can this be. You want to talk about your feelings for boys? Don’t worry, I’ll take them to the backyard…plenty of spaces for the boys that treat each of you badly. Talk about boobs? I have seen them and know about them. I’ve been to Victoria’s Secret…I read Cosmopolitan magazine…That makes me an expert right? I think I’ll just go to the store to but the tampons and liners with wings…how could that go wrong.
Not Wanting to Scare the Living Hell Out of All Their Boyfriends
Ugh….This one is disappointing that I cannot stand in the doorway scaring all the boys that come into the house. Apparently, girls look at this as being overprotective and leads to them 2nd guessing their decision making ability. While I agree that kids should make their own decisions and thereby learn from their mistakes, I do tend to be overprotective so that they do not “hurt” from bad boys. I am not sure if this one I can give 100% decision making ability to the girls at a younger age. Am I not supposed to say something if one of them decides that dating a 25 year old while they are 14 is okay? Am I not to step in if someone intentionally inflicts harm upon my girls? Am I not to step in at all? No offense to the women that made and support this “rule” but I do not plan on abiding by it strictly. I need to at least scare one boyfriend as I have been watching videos on how to do this right and know I can NAIL IT!
Treat Women With Respect
I talked about this in a previous post. While I agree with this statement, I think it is important that you should treat all people with respect. I try (and I emphasize TRY) to treat all people with respect. Some times….errr um….many times I “slip” a “little” and can be disrespectful. Okay, I never said I was perfect but this is one thing that I need to work on. This is something that I am working on with the girls as I think something that has been forgotten by some of the children these days. I see this in law enforcement where kids will disrespect the police even on minor matters….Why…..because their parents act the same way. The phrase “The apple does not fall far from the tree” holds very true. If I expect the girls to respect others and more importantly themselves, I need to do the same. Does this include the people that drive really shitty?
Careful What You Say to Your Daughters
Just like respect is important to give, it is also important to watch what you say to them. So what the article suggest is that you first call them fat. This builds their internal belief not to be fat….Um that is not true and the article does not say that. The exact opposite is true. While my memory lasts about 10 minutes on good days, the girls can recite VERBATIM what I said months or years prior. It is like their mind is a venus fly trap and my words are the flies. My biggest statement that I repeat to them is that they need to work hard to achieve their goals. That being said, I had to watch myself when I spoke to them when they did well on tests. My mouth started to form the word “smart” but then I stopped. Other articles that I have read stated that telling children that can create issues with them that they are just smart. I went on to tell them that they must have worked really hard to get such good score. More importantly, it was easier to have a conversation with them when they did not score as well as they could have. I simply asked if they had practiced as much as they should have and to my delight I was told that they had not. Guess what happened next time….They practiced more to make sure that they did well.
Learn to Apologize
I can never be wrong. Sorry? Not part of my vocabulary. Stubborn Asshole – Guilty as charged! Apologize? (Puppy Dog Eyes) Do I have to? Meep Meep Meep…Fine…I’m sorry! I guess I will have to concede. My personality has changed considerably (well at least a little bit) since I have had kids. I have changed for the better because the words “I’m sorry” can and have come out more than in the past. Before I could be wrong…Know it and I’d still fight you like a Pitbull locked in for the kill. Two choices for people before was to either give up or knock me out. That being said, I rarely started an argument knowing it was wrong. I started in a good place…was shown I was wrong but then would/could not stop because that would admit defeat. Ugh….The kids have brought be down a level as I have said I was sorry when shown to be wrong….HEY….It is seldom but it does happen. I’m sure I could do better with this because I think I can still be abrasive with the kids….So I’ll add it to my to-do list.
That is about 1/2 of the things that Fire Dads need to know about raising daughters…so this is part 1. I will do my next post with the remaining items. While you are salivating for the next one….Why don’t you be kind (like me :)) and give us a like on Facebook….AND share us with your friends. I hear we have at least 3 fans now!
Yes I know this is a very interesting topic for a post. That being said, I had to do it based upon the obnoxious fumes that these little buggers (aka my daughters) can individually create. I have put much thought into this subject as I have been attempting to come up with an invention that might make them stop. The little “breezers” come out at the most inopportune times. I guess any time is not really the best but there are some times where they should be down right outlawed! Since an invention cannot be made….I have developed a system to assist you in your war on farts.
I think farts can be classified similar to hurricanes since hurricanes are just passing air albeit not as stinky. Here are the classification codes that I have come up with that I think should be implemented immediately in real life. Legal Disclaimer – I will not hold you responsible if you choose to use these Categories for your family….I actually might find it very amusing! After understanding the levels below, you will be in a much better position to be safe around your kids.
Fart Classifications
Category 1 – Simple passing of wind. A Category 1 could be without sound or a very minor amount that does not draw suspicion from friends or family. Normally these ones will have an odor associated with them. The only people that would find out about a Cat 1 would be either just yourself or a friend/family member that is sitting REALLY REALLY too close. The bottom line is that they should not be that close in the first place so LET ‘ER RIP! This is a common level for little kids. In most cases, they are very silent and they will just giggle. As a parent, you know exactly what happened.
Category 2 – Ohhhhh Yeah. Things are not looking brighter with a Cat 2. These should be classified by the terms “Silent but Violent” or “Silent but Deadly”. The sound is very minimal but the odor will sting your nostrils. There are some benefits to laying down a Cat 2. First, since it is silent, you can blame it on the dog….only if you have one. This one is fairly uncommon at least with little girls. I do not know how but they are about 95% Cat 1 and 5% Cat 2.
In my case, in the back of an ambulance, I just look at the patient and attempt to make them look like the bad guy. I cannot tell you how many times my partner looks at me to see my response. I quickly shrug my shoulders in response which only leaves the patient as a suspect. It’s kind of like playing Clue in the ambulance. It’s sick patient with abdominal pain on the cot!
Category 3 – Well the Category 3 is certainly not silent AND it defitnitley has a pungent odor to it. Thankfully at the time of this writing there are no such machines that can pinpoint the location of the methane leak….unless you give it away yourself. The nice thing about having kids is I can blame them…or at least I was able to when they could not talk so well and dime me out. Before we could be at Costco, I drop a Cat 3 and look at Mia in “disgust” saying “Do You Need to Go Potty”….knowing full well it was me and maybe I should detour to the front of the store. Stay away from people that drop the Cat 3 as they most likely have no shame and might just force you into a dutch oven (not the kind you cook with) situation.
In my extensive research on the issue, I have found that only 1 to 2 children per year pass into the Category 3 range. If a Cat 3 sneaks up on you….there are only 2 real culprits…..the dog…..or your husband!
Category 4 – The Cat 4 is just downright disgusting along with the people that create it. These bad boys will clear a room. It is the judge, jury and executioner of farts. They leave no one “untouched” with their noxious fumes. Your nose will sting. You will have to open windows. People are going to pay for these. People who intentionally send out a Cat 4 do so without regard to those around them. There is hell to pay and the Cat 4 is going to do the job. 99.5% chance that guys are responsible. In a room full of women and one guy….It was the guy. Lay a disgusted look on him immediately and lay blame. Shame on you for doing such a dastardly deed!
In history, kids are not capable of creating such a beast. At this point, it is more of a bragging right when you get to this level. At this point, lay blame on the people with the testosterone in the house as they are the only ones capable of producing such a vile beast.
Category 5 – This can be classified as either the “Holy War” or just Armageddon. With this one there is a little enjoyment for the people that just suffered what they believe to be a Cat 4. This one has “carrier payback” meaning that the deliverer will also suffer at the hands of their own “discharge”. A word was created for a Category 5 that some are familiar with. It is vile…It is disgusting but it really defines what has occurred…..A SHART (shit fart). The Cat 5 is a nuclear warhead where everyone suffers. The surrounding area has to suffocate on a Cat 4 level aroma explosion while the “carrier” has to deal with the toxic waste in their pants. It’s the gift that keeps on giving.
This is like the hundred year storm…..or a perfect storm. Think of your friends that are lactose intolerant that cannot layoff the extra cheese pizza. They devour 8 slices in a short period of time. Not thinking much of it, they get into their vehicles and have their “long” drive home. Let’s just say…..It’s not a fun ride home as their stomach gurgles and chugs along until….Oops…I did it again!
Well hopefully you find this classification chart useful in your home life. It is important to understand the different levels and what you can do to protect yourself now and into the future. Should you have the need for more useless conversation pieces, we post every Monday, Wednesday and Friday on Fire Dads and are happy to share. Do us a favor and like our Facebook page….and we will love you long time!
It’s over. I cannot do this anymore. It is time to sell the kids to the next group of carnies for the highest price I can get. Hell, it’ll be a fire sale…$0.50 per child! I’m sure right after I do that DCFS will be knocking on my front door reinforcing the idea that I am failing as a parent.
So you are probably wondering how I failed. Let’s just get the facts straight here Jack….I have failed many times in the past….AND….I plan on failing a lot in the future as well. My litmus test of failure is when my children say that they do not love me anymore. I am crushed. I am crest fallen. I hide underneath my bed for hours eating ice cream and crying myself back from the brink of depression. I wonder where I went wrong and how could I have made such a tragic wrong turn in my life for such statements to be made. Oh wait……I was being a parent. I was doing the right thing. I did not make a bad parenting decision but, in fact, made a good one. I think I need to rename this post because I am feeling much better now.
I would not identify myself as a softy as I have been called names all my life. As a child, I would be generally offended as most kids are about being called names. After a thickening of my outer layer, I slowly realized that people’s words do not truly have any impact on my life. So how does this “mutant ability” provide me benefit as being a better parent? It gives me the ability to be a parent first to the girls. Why do I care? Because I love them and want them to be someone later in life that I would want to hang out with.
I’m not sure if it is just being around three little girls or just kids in general. I feel like I’m on the American Eagle at Great America with the roller coaster of emotions that comes out of them. At times, I get “Daddy, you are the best daddy!” and literally 10 minutes later, “Daddy, I don’t like you!” Wait huh? Did I pull out the billy club and beat them like a baby harp seal in that short? Um no….although sometimes I think all parents have thoughts that cross your mind that probably is inappropriate parenting behavior….Not like I was gonna act on it people…Seriously!
The most recent roller coaster ride was this evening with Bella. Because we were working on our Leprechaun traps in the art room for the majority of the evening (and yes the ones I build will catch those little bastards if they exist), we did not have time to sit and relax for the evening to unwind before bed. Because I was being the “best” daddy ever, I told all the girls that we could stay up an additional ten minutes and watch Ghostbusters before starting our bedtime routine. Oh folks….THEY ALL LOVED ME AT THAT MOMENT! I was the King…The Hero….The Super Duper Fire Dad! Unfortunately, the mood took a turn for the worse when I called time at 8:10pm. Bella lost her shit. She started crying like I had taken her favorite stuffed animal and thrown it in the garbage.
Candy for the Kiddies
As she walked away crying, I followed her and asked what her problem was. Her response, “I am not going to bed. You are a bad daddy”. I immediately melted and saw the error of my ways and let them stay up til 10pm. Moreover, because I cannot take being called names, I gave them each 2 bags of candy (144 pieces per bag), 3 boxes of Popsicles and Pixie Stix. They were so much happier and NOW I am the best dad ever! NOT…NO….I did not do that not even close.
I see all these people on the internet that say they are their child’s “best friend”. Unfortunately, I do not see this as being the best path as a parent. A parent can provide some things that similar to that of a best friend. as a parent if you decide that you want to be the “best friend” in your child’s life, you will soon lose control as a parent. As a parent you can be accessible, approachable and always keep your child’s best interests at heart just like a best friend. A parent’s role goes deeper though. We have to get the children prepared for life. I want to be there to protect them, guide them and teach them so they will be prepared for the challenges of life. Not doing so is doing nothing other them setting them up for failure.
To my little girls I say, you might not appreciate that I am being “mean” to you right now BUT in the long run, people actually might want to hang out with you. More importantly….I might want to as well. Sleep well my little angry monkey, bear and bean.
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OMG folks it is true. Today was a big moment in the M5 household as an epic event took place. While I was choking in water during the annual watermanship test, Mary made it a point to sign up Milana for kindergarten. (Input the sounds of trumpets playing a victory song in a castle). That makes two going to full day school with only little Bella Bean still going to preschool.
Why is this so exciting? Do I want to get rid of the kids? Well no…Well shit let’s be honest here YES I DO! While I cherish my time with them, I also cherish that time that I have away from them. I think parents need their own sanity time away from DAD….DAD…..DAD…..DAD…..DAD and so on and so on. Now its on the teachers to hear the constant requests. I have been so excited I have been practicing what I won’t hear anymore because it will be missed like a tree falling in an empty forest. I refer to them as my gifts for “kicking the kids” to all day school.
Dad I’m hungry. What are you going to make me? Old Dad response: Ugh….you guys actually eat three times a day? What do you want this time. I am good at making PB & J, Mac and Cheese (from the box) or just eat some chips.
New Dad Gift: Now it is the school’s problem to provide all those things. All I need to do is send an occasional box of granola bars or some glue. I send the items to the school like a care package for my little prison inmates.
Dad I don’t wanna go to the gym. Old Dad Response: (Negotiation) Okay….If you let me go to the gym, I will take you to [Insert Location] – Common Choices: McDonalds or Burger King so they can play, Discovery Center, Taco Bell for those yummy Doritos Tacos, a park….anywhere so they do not have to take a nap.
New Dad Gift: All the benefits without the whole day being swallowed up with my “punishment” for going to the gym. I get to occasionally go on field trips when needed and not rush to the gym.
Dad I went poop. Old Dad Response: Interrupt whatever important thing I am doing because I only do important stuff. I move to one of the bathrooms only to find them smiling at me like I cherish the moment of wiping their asses. Thankfully, Mia and Milana take care of this stuff on their own but sometimes they really need to check their skills. I don’t know if it is the many years that I have wiped my own to ensure the cleanliness of the area. They do a quick wipe without checking their work only to find their swift response has only led to one or two streaks in the underwear.
New Dad Gift: NOT MY PROBLEM. From the point of Mr. Hanky making a quick exit to the point those underwear are cleaned….I have no possible chance of getting involved. They will have to deal with it on their own…..AND the beauty of it is I do not do the laundry so the extra stains will not make a difference in my life.
Dad I got boogers. Staying on the same theme of bodily functions…What about boogers. The little petri dishes seem to introduce all kinds of challenges to my immune systems from their “friends” at school. While I am not too fond of sick kids (I’m sure not many are) because of their crabby nature and their whininess, the boogers really make it tons of fun! AH CHOO and the boogers go out like a swarm of killer bees; all over the face, chin and making an assault on their mouths.
New Dad Gift: This will become either the kids or a teachers gift from me. No more gooey boogers coming on me anytime soon!
Dad You Need to Take me to School. I’ve saved the best for last. The only downside of preschool is that the kids need to be driven to school every morning….oh and they need to be picked up. This is about an extra 40 minutes out of every day for school transport. It probably would be good to work with other families in the area to limit it….Yeah well that has not come to fruition over the last several years so.
New Dad Gift: I don’t know what happened to America since I went to school but I love it. The school bus stops at the end of every child in the subdivision’s driveway and picks them up and drops them off. What can be better….I just need to be there for pick up and drop off….then I get 8 hours of PEACE!
This is my dream world starting in 2019 when all three are going to full time school. Bella will still provide the wonderful gifts above to make my life wonderful. I don’t wanna go cold turkey right away anyway. I need some time to get used to the fact that I won’t have to wipe asses, boogers and provide limousine services for the kids. Bring on 2019…..I am crossing the days off the calendar!
It did not seem that long ago that a trip to a restaurant meant things like good food, good friends and just good times. We got to go to nicer places, have a few drinks and enjoy some really good food. I got to connect with people because normally the distractions were very few. There was plenty of darts, pool, music, etc. That was before what I have now called BK or Before Kids. Such simple times!
Just as we move from different ages in history (Industrial Age, Space Age, Industrial Age), we have now found ourselves in a new parenting age kindly called: OSITPA – Oh Shit…It’s Those People Again! You have those looks on people’s faces as you slowly enter the restaurant. It’s kinda like being on an airplane and you see the first time mom and dad carrying their baby carrier. You know your ears are going to bleed as soon as that pressure change occurs.
I’m guessing that the looks are more in my head than anything as I have seen many kids before mine do much worse but it can be rather embarrassing and frustrating. One of the main challenges seem to happen EVERY TIME we go out to eat. I think the kids eyes sparkle as they know there is a bathroom in the restaurant that needs to get explored. It’s strange that this would be a problem, as we know their antics and make them go potty prior to leaveing home. SOMEHOW each of the kids Hoover’ Dams are suddenly so full that if they do not go potty while we are at dinner that we will flood the restaurant in a sea of Mountain Dew. What’s more is that there never seems to be a need for a potty break until the food comes.
Bella: Daddy.
Me: Yes, Honey….Do you want more bread?
Bella: No. I got to go potty.
Me: (Putting my hands together and praying for the right response). Just pee pee?
Bella: No poo poo too
Me: (Ugh….Really a deuce….Now? When the food is just showing up? I eat enough cold meals at the firehouse)
At this point I have a couple of options. Option 1: Let her go potty on her own. Option 2: Send in a poop SWAT team (multiple kids). Option 3: Go with her to the potty. Option 4: Make her wait until we get home. So my fire training kicks in as I figure out what my best option. First thing I need to do is do a cost/benefit analysis. It has to be quick. Bella does not mess around.
I like option 4 BUT I know that when Bella says she has to go potty…..She does not fib. Benefit: I have a happy tummy with warm food in it. Cost: Mr. Hanky pays us a visit and Bella is a very pissed off customer.
Option 1: Benefit: Everyone gets to enjoy their food except Bella. Cost: She comes back without proper wiping and we pay the price later at home.
Option 2: Benefit: I get to enjoy my food. It probably tastes yummy and I cannot wait. Cost: I know there will be horseplay. The girls will be kids and decide that a bathroom is a great place to play a game of hide and seek. It will take 10x as long as Option 3.
Option 3: Benefit: It’s a fast in and out. Simple 8 step process…Enter stall…Drop the Drawers…Onto Potty…..Drop the Deuce….Quick Wipe….Pull Up Pants….Wash and Dry Hands. Cost: LUKE WARM FOOD.
Option 4: This is my favorite as I always question the kids bathroom tactics. Are they fibbing? Benefit: I have a happy tummy with warm food in it. Cost: Mr. Hanky pays us a visit and Bella is a very pissed off little girl.
As you can imagine, there really is no optimal option when dealing with potty breaks at a restaurant. In most cases, it seems that Option 3 is the one that we go with. Making sure that a potty break is done in a quick and efficient manner is key. The last thing I need to do is have some angry people coming up to me to tell me that the kids are playing in the bathroom. Even more disturbing would having Bella come back and look like one of our homeless population that got drunk after eating some spicy food. I guess I’ll have to continue enjoying seeing my food just make the table and embrace the fact that I am a kiddie potty concierge.
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Category 1 – Simple passing of wind. A Category 1 could be without sound or a very minor amount that does not draw suspicion from friends or family. Normally these ones will have an odor associated with them. The only people that would find out about a Cat 1 would be either just yourself or a friend/family member that is sitting REALLY REALLY too close. The bottom line is that they should not be that close in the first place so LET ‘ER RIP! This is a common level for little kids. In most cases, they are very silent and they will just giggle. As a parent, you know exactly what happened.
Dad I got boogers. Staying on the same theme of bodily functions…What about boogers. The little petri dishes seem to introduce all kinds of challenges to my immune systems from their “friends” at school. While I am not too fond of sick kids (I’m sure not many are) because of their crabby nature and their whininess, the boogers really make it tons of fun! AH CHOO and the boogers go out like a swarm of killer bees; all over the face, chin and making an assault on their mouths.