Well my dream finally has come true! I was formally nominated as a candidate for the Father of the Year 2018 by several different national magazines including, Better Homes and Gardens, Cosmopolitan, Teen Magazine and the National Enquirer. Apparently, I received 1000’s of nominations from all walks of life. It has been very humbling to find out that 1000’s of individuals went out of their way to nominate me based upon my superior parenting skills. I’m truly not sure what took so long for people to figure it out….but it finally it has happened….and then I woke up from my dream as I found Fozzie french kissing me due to my sleep apnea.
Why was I dreaming about being recognized as the Father of the Year? Well, I recently read an article about a woman that had made her child cry and she felt terrible about it. As I read further, she talked about how her daughter had come home from school and talked about a boy that every girl was “interested” in. The mother ended up letting out a laugh which in turn made her daughter feel self conscious and start to cry. I sat with my mouth open just disgusted with how this woman had been so mean to her poor innocent child. I said to myself, “What an asshole!”. I figured it was about time to hunt this woman down by her email address, call her out and start picketing her home because see was a savage…an uncaring beast!
Oh wait! I should not throw stones as I have done far worse in my career which probably will lead me to not being nominated any time soon. I look at parenting as a learning game. It appears that someone forgot to send me to parenting school while I was growing up. They forgot to give me a playbook to work off of….not even a sample plan on how to be the perfect parent. Well, let’s just say that I fail on a regular basis! Maybe you can relate to some of these things that might sooner find themselves on my grave stone versus my acceptance speech as a Father of the Year ceremony.
Father who failed to take his daughter to the doctor after complaints of pain after some somersaults in a ditch. Figured you could throw a little dirt on it and move on. 3 days and 1 X-ray later – Result – Broken Clavicle….Oh damn.
Father that failed to show up for daughter’s Center day at school (1st Day to be there) to help out a teacher. Result – One very pissed off daughter and one nice reminder email from the teacher letting me know I was an idiot.
Father that has spanked his kids. Yeah yeah I know what you are saying. This type of punishment is unwarranted….Well, I thought it was a good idea at the time and I feel horrible to this day. What I do have to say in support (weak standing) is that it seemed to work wonders with me. My father would only need to threaten a nice rosy booty and this boy started towing the line. I learned real quick that it was no lie that when I pushed a little too much that I would be in BIG TROUBLE with my dad. Needless to say, I do not condone this as being appropriate for anyone…but I did it and I’m fessing up (It’s the first step in my 12 step program for SA – Spankers Anonymous).
Father that has mocked his kids. There is HIGH drama at the Chalet on a regular basis. One child (who shall remain anonymous) is what I would classify as a drama queen. I’m thinking that she probably could get a Hollywood Star which some of her epic performances. Take her toy….Cry. Doesn’t get what she wants for dinner….Cry. Tell her no….Cry. Pretty much anything….Cry. I am not sure if it has become just her default response to negative things….but whatever. Anywho….now my response to her when she cries is that I cry back at her. Not really crying but because I am an asshole…I do a mock cry back at her. Not surprisingly, the water works turn off pretty quick and she just tells me to “stop it”….I guess it works…well kinda??
I’m sure there are plenty of people that are probably checking to see if there is currently an online petition to revoke my parenthood card. Well I guess you can go ahead try to do that….and I’d probably cry. The bottom line is that I do love my girls. They can be dramatic little monsters sometimes but that does not change that I would go to the ends of the world and back for each of them….as long as they stop the crying crap! What I will allow is for you to take away my PPC card (Perfect Parent Club Card – 4% rebate on all gas purchases, 2% on Dining and 1.25% on everything else) because I never said I was perfect, I plan to mess up being a parent on a semi-frequent basis but plan on learning from my mistakes!
During the time it takes you to read this post….you could have already liked this post and the Fire Dads Facebook page about 1000 times!!!!! What do I need to do to make you click a button???? Force you to do somersaults in my ditch?? Mock you while you cry? Pick your poison or just be a kind person and LIKE ME ALREADY!!!!
(Translated using Google Translation – Dog to Human)
Hello Everyone,
My name is Fozzie…and I’m a dog. I’m not just any dog. I’m a Labradoodle! Yeah, 20 years ago I would have been just a “mutt” but some douche decided to come up with a “cute” name for merging my Labrador genes with a Poodle. It’s like these idiots that come up with the names for celebrity couples like Brangelina and TomKat. Hey idiots…this Labradoodle is ready to give you a quick Donkey Punch – look that one up!
I’m a pretty smart dude as I brought in the genes from my Poodle mom’s side. The blend also brings out my adorable curls that all the chicks fawn over. Oh did I mention my dreamy hazel eyes that draw people’s attention like Medusa’s hair? Just so you know, I run the roost around here and all these humans in this house know it. I pushed Mike (the bitch thinks he is the alpha in the house) off the computer and immediately using a voice translator to write this post.
Just a little bit about me. I was kidnapped at an early age from my parents and siblings. I used to live on a big farm with my brothers and sisters and now I live with a dad and four girls. Let me tell you….with the exception of the dude….there is plenty of drama in this house. One word that defines these people is “nutso” but they are still family; don’t we all have at least one in our family? While people would probably want to immediately jump into my shoes because I live the fairy tale life, let me assure you that this ain’t no cake walk.
First, these people like to interrupt my sleep regularly. Oh Fozzie, time to go potty. Oh Fozzie, time to eat. They are always doing something around me. It drives me nuts. And these kids…UGH. All they want to do is hug me if you call it a hug. They put me into positions that would make WWE superstars jealous. Alas, I’ve learned a trick to get rid of them quickly though. I wait for them to start talking and I lick the inside of the mouth and let’s just say I’ve got a LONG tongue! After a few Frenchies and the little monsters back off right ricky tick! At that point, I try to move into a “safe” area and try to turn invisible
Let Me Have Some Fun w You Dog Doctor!
Next, they want to make me less of a man. That’s right folks…they wanna cut my nuts off. I thought they would forget as it’s been over a year but these asshole dog docs went and sent a reminder email. These dog doctors say what a great idea it is because of this or that. Hey doc….if its so great to have this done….Give me a rag soaked in cloraform, a scapel and 5 minutes of your time and let me get a little creative on your body. Oh…and then the fun begins because they put this stupid ass cone on my neck so I can even lick my manhood. Try and get that image out of your head! As Maui (from Moana) would say “You’re Welcome!”
And then there’s major issue with them blocking me from my ladies. I am not talking about the PITAs that live in the house. I’m talking about Shyla and Mia (my bitches next to me). That’s right folks. I do not have just one lady to choose from….I have two. I like the variety! On my right, I have Shyla. She’s a Golden Retreiver and she is a doll. We roll play and she always wants to be the submissive. Every time we play (when those humans don’t interfere)….she rolls over and shows me her belly. After a while, I start to get bored playing the dominant dog so i turn my attention to my other love interest….Mia. She is a St. Bernard and about twice me size; I just like to call her big boned. I’m a little into the “larger” ladies so that satisfies that need as well. She throws me around and it drives me doggie wild! Unfortunately, these humans always seem to be the fun police and “beep” my collar to come inside just as I’m making my move. Let’s just say Pimpin’ ain’t Easy Folks….Especially when you have a beep collar on!
Last, we have an issue with sharing. I’m a dog and I love to share everything with them. I’m part retriever so I do what is in my genes. A couple months after I was home there was a family of rabbits living out front. You’d think these people would want me to bring them dinner. NOPE. I chase a succulent baby bunny down and bring them over only to be scolded. Hmmmm….Not sure you wanna do this humans as I can share other things. Well, let’s just say I paid them back in spades. One time when I had some “guests” over….I showed them how I could take a dump inside the house. Oh yeah….and another time I shared my unique ability to make a streak on the carpet with my butt….it was like what the kids did with crayons! Hey dad….It’s a damn Picasso!
So by now, I’m sure you realize that it is damn hard to be a dog. Put yourself in my shoes for a little while. Not sure you can handle it? Check out “Spot” aka Tom in the video! Well I wouldn’t recommend that you follow in his footsteps and play dress up in a latex dog suit BUT he can give you some insights into being like the Fozzster! .
Well time to turn this blog back over to the Mike as he seems to be crying now not being able to give you some dribble of being a Fire Dad. I’m sure I’ll add some more insight into this blog in later posts. Until that time, do this clown a favor and like his Fire Dads Facebook page….If you don’t, I’ll make a smiley face on your carpet with my “crayon”.
While this appears on the day after Easter, I really prepared it on Easter while the kids were sleeping. As I have stated in previous articles, I do not believe that kids appreciation levels is directly correlated to the amount of money that is spent. What I believe is more important is the memories that are created within the family and also with friends. That being said, we had a very busy Easter week. I wanted to continue a tradition and also make some new memories in the mean time.
Eggapooloza 2018
It all started on Thursday with our Easter Egg Hunt at the M5 Chalet (aka our house). While the actual event was on Thursday, the event took a little planning for the past couple weeks. What used to be only kids from the neighborhood (10ish), it turned into an event with 30 kids and what was to be 1000ish eggs hidden in the three backyards (what can I say…go big or go home!). Thankfully we have a good relationship with our neighbors and we got to use their yards as well to spread the eggs out. Additionally, it was much appreciated that the neighborhood pitched in with filling eggs with candy, toys, money, and other gifts (personal thank you to Callie, Sarah, Vanessa!). Also, parents came prepared with more sugar aka donuts and other tasty treats for our little voracious locusts aka children (Thanks to Renee and Tucker). Mary was a mover and shaker and got additional tasty treats and got the hot chocolates ready to go!
Eggapooloza 2018 at the M5 Chalet
I was out at 830 with the kids hiding the majority of eggs in the yard. They were interested in hiding the eggs with the money and special gifts as well but I told them that it was not fair to everyone else. I had them wait up front. We had people start showing up at 0945 and they were ready for the 10am start. We had a few people that were running late and I was not interested in making any kids unhappy so we finally started at 1015. My big oops for the event was that I missed a bag with about 400 eggs which was hidden in plain sight. I only put out 600ish eggs. This was a problem as I had it in my head that there was 1000 eggs…I was wondering why it was so quick putting the eggs out. Um DUH! I told all the kids to take 25 eggs so that there was enough for everyone plus a few left over (25×30 = 750)….Well that math does not work when you only have 600 eggs.
Kick off time was great….The kids went to work and collected every egg out there! It took about 10 mins. Like I said, the kids are like little locusts; bribe them with candy and money and they are a cleaning force! After the egg hunt, the kids finished up with sweets and hot cocoa. Even with the mess up, it was a great time and it seems like all the kids had something special.
Eggapooloza 2018 – Part Duex?
We were all ready to go to finish off the 400 eggs left over with just neighborhood children on the 31st….unfortunately, the weather was not going to cooperate so it was cancelled.
I was excited to find out that the Discovery Center in Rockford was hosting their own Easter egg hunt. This was a two-fur since Mary worked overnight and needed to get some sleep. I got to get the kids out of the house…AND make some more Easter time memories. Bella went first and surprisingly, she is a little timid when it comes to doing this type of thing. Because of the weather, they had to do it inside. They had a room where all the kids were brought in. They were placed against the wall with all the eggs in the center. The Easter Bunny made an appearance and waved to all the kids; he then got smart and got out before they all “attacked” the eggs. The countdown began…5…4…3…2…1…and boom off Bella went. She collected about 20 eggs off the floor at a quick pace only showing off her “plumber ass” a couple of times.
I think her plumber ass was a secret move to help disgust the other kids into submission. I was so proud and cheered her on the whole time. She was so excited when she came back. She unshelled her loot and was sharing tons of smiles! She got a ticket for a special prize (a fruit roll up) and she was walking like a proud little peacock bragging like she had just won the Stanley Cup. She shared with each of her sisters since their event was not until 1pm.
In the meantime, we decided to check out the Curious George exhibit which was fun for the girls and kept them busy. It was even cooler since we got to do some good photos with one being with a real Curious George. The girls kept busy until it was time for the 5-6 year olds to do their Easter Egg hunt. We lined up with the other kids. Again they marched all the kids in and had them line the walls. The countdown began…5…4…3…2…1….and off the kids went collecting eggs like a farmer with his britches on fire. In a matter of minutes all the eggs were collected and Mia and Milana checked out their loot. They both made out with plenty of candy and both got 2 special prizes. They shared their candy with Bella (only one piece though). Everyone had a great time with the Discovery Center. I gotta tip my hat to them for pulling it off and really showing a great time for all the kids!
Easter Day
I prepared the Easter baskets the night before Easter and placed them by the fireplace with care. I wrote their names on the one they were supposed to get. I filled up their extra basket with candy and Easter Eggs with money and toys. They left candy as a bribe for the Easter Bunny to make sure they got some treats. Didn’t know you needed to bribe the bunny like you do to Santa but “he” was pretty excited to wulf down a couple pieces of candy that “he” didn’t need (insert picture of a hippo with my face on it). I went to bed thinking there should be no issues. WELL….let’s just say the baskets for Mia and Bella were switched because I put the wrong “extra” basket in front…UGH. It’s okay because they didn’t fight so I guess it was a small win and they did not wake me up! After Mary got home, I figured I would get the kids out and go purchase Easter dinner so she could sleep.
Not sure what to cook we ended up at Butera to roam around. I decided on an Eggplant Parm and crab legs. Still not sure how they go together but what the hell…I’m cooking and that is what I was feeling. We got home and to work I went on the prep. It is still cooking at this point but DAMN it smells good. I’ll post the recipe below if you are looking for something that sounds great. My mouth is watering right now as I really want to start in on the food stuffs….I’ll have to let you know how it was!
Hopefully you all had a GREAT Easter and made some great memories with your families. If you didn’t, don’t worry I have plenty of them to share with you!
Oh…Please help a brother out and like the FireDads Facebook page here…Or the Easter Bunny will be dropping some special brown Easter pellets on your windshield!
Last, we have an issue with sharing. I’m a dog and I love to share everything with them. I’m part retriever so I do what is in my genes. A couple months after I was home there was a family of rabbits living out front. You’d think these people would want me to bring them dinner. NOPE. I chase a succulent baby bunny down and bring them over only to be scolded. Hmmmm….Not sure you wanna do this humans as I can share other things. Well, let’s just say I paid them back in spades. One time when I had some “guests” over….I showed them how I could take a dump inside the house. Oh yeah….and another time I shared my unique ability to make a streak on the carpet with my butt….it was like what the kids did with crayons! Hey dad….It’s a damn Picasso!
The girls kept busy until it was time for the 5-6 year olds to do their Easter Egg hunt. We lined up with the other kids. Again they marched all the kids in and had them line the walls. The countdown began…5…4…3…2…1….and off the kids went collecting eggs like a farmer with his britches on fire. In a matter of minutes all the eggs were collected and Mia and Milana checked out their loot. They both made out with plenty of candy and both got 2 special prizes. They shared their candy with Bella (only one piece though). Everyone had a great time with the Discovery Center. I gotta tip my hat to them for pulling it off and really showing a great time for all the kids!