What the hell does that even mean? Well, if you are a Captain Underpants aficionado, you would know that the letters can be jumbled into a very interesting saying that seems to be prevalent around my house: Come See My Hairy Armpits! (It really doesn’t but it was funny just checking). If you have not seen the movie, its quite alright as I did not up until recently when it showed up in Netflix. The interesting part is this saying (actually a derivative) of it showed up many months before I saw the movie and did not know that is were it came from.
One day I am sitting in the kitchen getting ready for dinner, Bella charges in, lifts her arms up and says, “Daddy, Smell my Hairy Armpits!.” I would have loved to have a camera pointed at my face as these words came out of her mouth. I’m sure it would have been priceless. After the shock set in, I did what every other parent probably would have done…punished her! KIDDING. I laughed my ass off. I’m sure it probably would have been better to probably stop it from continuing but damn it that was pretty funny. She quickly caught on that I thought it was funny and now regularly goes through the house and tells EVERYONE to smell her hairy armpits.
Bella is my little court jester. She loves to say the most bizarre thing to me and Mary. I’m not sure where she picks half the stuff up. Half the time I am convinced she has no clue about what she is talking about but maybe her pre school education is paying off! I’m looking forward to what next year brings.
This evening, I was putting them to bed. As always we have a bedtime ritual to make the process smoother for everyone. Part of their ritual is that I give them each a hug and kiss and tell them I love them. After that, I will normally rub and scratch their back. I am not sure how that became part of the ritual but now it is a staple and I cannot go downstairs until each get their backs rubbed and scratched. So Mia was first and went off with a hitch…as did Milana’s. My final child was not as easy. I rubbed her back and she immediately told me to “scratch”. I did what I was told. She rolled over and now was facing me. She then says, “Daddy….You just popped a zit on my back!” Thinking that I misunderstood her, I said “What?”. She then repeated it for a second time. I asked her if she even knew what a “zit” was. Her response, “yeah, its a thing on your back”. That pretty much answered my question so I just laughed realizing that she just out foxed me.
Again, I’m not sure where she gets these things from. Maybe she comes in and sees me doing something in the mirror all while verbalizing it…I’m just not sure. Either way, my little Bella Bean makes me giggle regularly with the stuff that comes out of her mouth. I might be laughing now….hopefully it won’t come to bite me in the ass later on.
If you have been following Firedads.com recently, you are aware that we went to the doctor for Milana to get her “check up” for Kindergarten. That is where she played the nurses into giving her a popsicle and an extra sucker. At this same point, we were advised of the results of her blood tests. Her iron levels were lower than normal and have gone down since her last blood check.
The doctor said that we could start introducing her to food that was rich in iron. WELL….she is My Miss Picky Pants when it comes eating. She has no desire to eat anything that has any flavor or is spicy. If we could just take a box of noodles, cook it and add butter to them…she would be the happiest little person in the world. I needed other options because I can not see her changing her eating habits.
I guess I cannot blame her since I was known as the PB and J kid at my house.
Mom: Mikey what do you want for lunch.
Mike: PB and J
Mom: What do you want for dinner?
Mike: PB and J
Now I might be dating myself here but when Battlestar Galactica first aired in the 70s (I know you people have me pegged at about 20ish but I’m not), we looked forward to watching it with my dad. This particular day she made the green demon vegetable: Broccoli. And this particular day, I think my mom was being a masokist because she decided to give me a big pile of this green crap…the size of one of Fozzie’s poops! Needless to say, the PB and J boy was not having it! So I did what most kids will do…I boycotted! My dad told me that I was not leaving the table until the brocolli disappeared. Now while ideas of taking it and throwing it in the garbage crossed my mind…I knew he would find out and it would mean BIG PROBLEMS for me. 7 bells chimed and I heard the theme song start up
And YES….This has scarred me to this day. I attempted to look around the corner from the kitchen to catch glimpses of the Cylons….only to be scolded and told to sit back at the table. Damn it…what is a kid to do? The only option was to eat the green demon. With full glass of milk in hand, I would put a big piece in my mouth followed by milk and swallow it. I’ll show them….if I choke I thought! I didn’t and finally got the last piece done in time to enjoy the last 30 minutes.
This was the dance that would go on EVERY day when I did not get my PB and J. The staples of kids: Pizza, hot dogs, etc. I wanted nothing to do with them. Guess what? I won the war of attrition and they gave in but I had to take an iron tablet as well due to my “extensive” palette.
Milana is following in her Daddy’s footsteps when it comes to her palette. Mary ended up picking up a Flintstones vitamin with iron in it. She thought it was great. She gets to have a piece of candy each day and gets her daily amount. Her little body is not as happy with her. One of those unfortunate side effects of iron tablets is increased constipation.
Enter the Pre-school Prom on Friday. All was going well until about 1/2 way through. Milana felt nature calling. Went to the potty and…..NOTHING. My little princess was full of shit or FOS (for my medical friends). So now what? I’m not getting anywhere close to the blow hole to stick any suppository up there. My thought was to have her drink some prune juice…well a lot. It seems to work really good. Had Mia take some when she was a baby. No one gave me directions on how much to give. Well let’s just say I might have given her WAY TOO MUCH because it looked like something was murdered in her diaper with brown blood.
Thankfully, the issue resolved itself without having to do my prune juice fix. Milana is no longer FOS for the moment and was told that maybe she should start eating more iron rich food. She has adjusted a little but butter noodles still is her staple. We will see if I get to experiment on her to check how much Liquid Plumber (prune juice) it will take to clear the clog!
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I know. This blog is setup to talk about REAL IMPORTANT dad issues. Things that seem to make a family a bonding experience like vomit, farts and poop. Thankfully, we can post today on something that was special and important to the girls….Mother’s Day!
To say that they were excited about things that they made for Mary would be an understatement. The unfortunate part is NONE of my girls can keep a secret from Mary. I think sometimes that she uses some voodoo mind games on them because they will spill the beans. Most of the time she does not need to even ask them a question. It’s like when I did my first confession. I was so scared that the priest was going to come through and whack me on the head, I confessed to things that I did, thought about doing and things that other people did just to make sure I covered it all.
Milana made Mary a oven mitt with her hand prints on it. Could she keep a lid on it? NOPE! While she did not say what it was, she gave enough information that she could figure it out. “Mom, Don’t go in my closet because your Mother’s Day Gift is in there”. Bella is no better, “Mom, I made you [insert item] for [insert special day]. I should have known better than to bring the girls with to get a card but I wanted them to help me pick out something special.
We had some errands to run so we made a stop at the local Walmart. Of course, they have it set up right as you walk in the door with a Mother’s Day display. On it there was plenty of cards. Well, let’s just say, I hope no one takes the front card because the girls beat some of them up pretty good looking inside. Milana wanted a card with a charm on it. “Oh Daddy, let’s get this one! Mommy will love the necklace.” I said, “Milana you mean you want it right?” She said, “No Daddy” then smiled and put the card back. Bella the brute was pulling cards and by the time she got done with them, they looked like origami. We finally decided on this huge “poster board” card. It was big and had flowers on it…just what girls love. As we were driving in the car, I told the girls that they could not mention the card to Mommy. They all agreed! I told them that they would lose 10 stars (reward system in the house). They suggested 20 stars and I agreed to 20. I figured they had it!
As we pulled into the subdivision, I reminded them about their promise and the potential to lose 20 stars. They all said they understood. We parked in the driveway. I pulled everything out except the card…figured I could smuggle it in later for the girls to decorate. I was walking in the door with Bella when she turns to Mary (this is where Mary did her voodoo shit) and says, “Mommy, don’t go in daddy’s car there is something in there for you”. My jaw dropped as I turned towards her. She put her head down and ran past me in the house. I think Bella has a weird form of a truth telling type of tourette’s syndrome. How else do you explain this phenomenon. Voodoo Mary smiled because she knew what had happened and did not say a word.
Well to make a long story short, the kids did a great job on the card and it was presented to Mary along with a gift certificate for a massage at a local “hot spot”. The kids (well mostly me) prepared breakfast for her when she got home from work at 7am. She was given an egg and cheese sandwich on a english muffin. Mia masterminded that treat. Milana and Bella assisted with making pancakes. It turns out Mommy did not want any so the pancakes turned into chocolate chip pancakes for the girls.
Dinner was all in my hands. The girls and I went to the store and picked up some King Crab legs, steak, broccoli and a kale salad. Mommy stayed true to her vegetarian diet and would not eat steak. We spent the first several minutes breaking apart the legs for the kids to have crab and then got to enjoy some ourselves. We stuffed her pretty good and then sent her on her way back to work tonight.
Thanks for being a great mommy and be safe on the mean streets of the county!
Please let you friends know about us and make sure you have them like our ….otherwise I send the tattle tale triad to your house to tell everyone about your dirty little secrets!
Sometimes we look at our kids and think…where the hell did they learn that behavior. When the kids do something that is questionable, I just say “Yeah, Mary taught them that. I don’t know what is wrong with her….She probably grew up on a farm or was raised by herd of wildebeests.” Well that was until I did some self reflection on what types of things that I do that are gross. My belief now is that my kids are a chip off the old block! Before you judge my grossness…I suggest that you look to see if you might be just as gross.
Leaving Logs in the Toilet. Hey, I’m not proud. Its very rare that I get the opportunity to poop in peace anymore. I think a new sign was put on the door of the bathroom that has the exact time that I’m going to be in the bathroom. At this point, it becomes a conference room for three girls that not only ask me how to solve the worlds problems but also for them to tell me how much I smell. My response….Don’t come in while I am trying to relax. Well because it takes all my brain power to solve their limitless questions…sometimes…well I just forget to flush. All I can say is that at least I close the lid so Fozzie does not get to have my leftovers.
Farting. Not sure about you and your family but I find it damn funny when someone toots. I think this stems back to my years working in a retirement home where the old people had no shame letting them RIP! Middle of a conversation….walking down the hallway….at the ice cream social….It didn’t matter, they would let them rip. The even funnier thing is they never missed a beat. They could hold a conversation full while slamming how a 20 second air biscuit. That is world class! So in memory of some of these fine people AND the fact that I’m now a protected class (at least for age discrimination), I plan on working and honing my craft so that I am prepared to take the reigns when I get older. All I’m going to say is you better stay off my “six” when I start pushing around my walker.
Picking Winners. Don’t even say you do not do it. Maybe when you think that someone is not watching but YOU DO IT. I got to see full well today as I was driving my squad car. I had one man and one woman in two separate incidents. I was driving along when I looked over and see them with their fingers up their nose. It’s like they just didn’t care. I looked at them and they quickly pretending they were doing something different (guy started rubbing his nose but he knew I saw him second knuckle deep; woman started playing with her hair…probably wiping booger in for her next Tinder date). Well, I can say that I am just as guilty. I’m sure people have caught me in the act BUT sometimes you just need to clear out the caves.
I think all of these three things are pretty normal behavior. While you might not care to admit that you have left surprises for other family members, farted in front of strangers or picked a boogie once or twice, the truth is that you have. I will still love you for the way that you are. I think my kids actually think that I am pretty cool for doing these things as they have now grown into my footsteps. Nothing makes me more proud than Mia picking her nose at the dinner table….I just know that I will not have to fend off many boys if I can teach her that people like seeing that. My children are such a chip off the ole block…and I’m proud!
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OMG….My girls are full of drama. There are plenty of times that they have turned on the dramatic performances that would be worth of Academy Awards. It is fun to hit the “bullshit” button on them and the tears are turned off just as quickly as they all started. Out of the three of the girls, there is one that takes the cake for personal bests when it comes to turning up the drama. She is only 5 but Milana is a Drama Rockstar!
The most recent “performance” occurred at the doctor’s office. Milana was in need of her kindergarten check up. Prior to going, we (Me and Mary) knew that she was in need of four (4) shots. Let’s just say there is no way in HELL that I was going to listen to her whine and get her anxiety level up. How did I know this was not going to go well with shots? Well first, I hated shots and I also was the middle child. When the “S” word came out of the doctor’s mouth, I would turn into the Incredible Hulk. It would take the entire office staff to hold me down enough stick me with one needle let alone 4. Second, Milana had to “donate” some blood last week as well. She was not happy with the needle going in but got through it….BUT…after an hour of being home, she began to cry saying how much the site hurt. It was all about turning on the waterworks to try and get sympathy.
Turning back to Milana’s exam. She was in good spirits at first. She was singing and laughing when the doctor was not there. She was a little quiet when the doctor came in. We continued to talk about vaccinations with Milana saying that she needed them. We made it to the end of the exam when the doctor said, “Well, looks like you need some shots. Well the good news is that everything is condensed to two shots.” OH SHIT….the doctor said the S word not once BUT TWICE! Milana’s face dropped and she probably turned three shades of white. The drama works were in the making. We told the doctor that we were using the vaccination word instead so she did not know what was coming. I think she felt bad being the bearer of bad news so she brought in a basket of suckers. Little did they know they were gonna be Milana’s suckers! Needless to say, two thigh pokes and probably some well deserved tears and we were done with the shots. The performance was about to begin.
Let the Drama begin
Milana stood up and was walking out the door (probably as quickly as she could). She was getting her standard pick of stickers as a good will token. She then looked up at the woman that stuck her and said…”I think I’m going to puke”. Well they did not want vomit all over the office so they gave her a “barf bucket”. Guess what…No puke. They assisted her to the bathroom and the nurses quickly were putting cold water on her face and neck area. Guess what…No puke. Now the pinnacle of her performance. I was trying to walk out my little diva when one of the nurses asked if she wanted to lie down and have a popsicle. I’m like WTF. I never got this kinda support during my shots….maybe I should have not tried to rip their arms form their sockets! Needless to say, Milana got her own room….a blue raspberry popsicle AND a brand new sucker because she already licked the other one. Well, I guess it worked for her because they never had the Milana Drama Tsunami hit them before…Maybe in the future they will trust the parents and let us deal with her “puke”.
Do us a favor and have you and ALL of your friends like our Fire Dads Facebook page. I’m kind of upset because we did not get 15 new likes in the past week so I’m holding back from giving you a picture of me in my King shirt…or maybe I should take that as that you really did not want to see it…NAH that could not be it….OK….Well, like us on Facebook or else I send the puke monster Milana to unload her puke tsunami on you!
….otherwise I send the tattle tale triad to your house to tell everyone about your dirty little secrets!