Have you ever been called a golf bitch? Well neither have I to be perfectly honest. But as my momma used to tell me, “Son, Actions speak louder than words!”. It all started out like any other day in the Przybylski Chalet. My kids were running around like a bunch of wild animals in need of a tranquilizer dart, Mary carried the dart gun but was out of ammo from the previous day and I was doing something extremely important like putting my feet up, watching some television or plucking hairs from my ears (which seems to becoming more frequent).
In all of our infinite wisdom, we decided that the girls would benefit from being involved in some golf lessons. Well to be perfectly honest, it was a selfish decision, as I am attempting to pick the “low hanging fruit” for potential scholarships later on in their college lives. Let’s be honest…If you know me and my level and sports “skills” we all know they are doomed! Getting a scholarship in those highly competitive sports for me would be like me winning the damn lottery.
I have been counseled by many parents that have kids ready to enter college who advise that sports like bowling, archery, lacrosse and golf for girls have tremendous potential for scholarships. Hey Mia, Milana and Bella….I love you loads but college costs are ridiculous and we are gonna need all the help we can get to offset college costs. Hmmmm…..or I could fashion it like this. Your choice – school or marriage? Okay, well the school payment option is not so bad after all!
It is important to note that I am all in on this golf thing. I thought what else do you need other than a couple of golf balls and a set of clubs. We ended up getting a “junior” set for both girls for a total of $100! Cheap so far and my girls seem to want to make this happen. We find out from one of Mia’s friend’s moms that a local golf course is providing lessons for kids 5 and up. We signed them up for 4 hour long sessions. So far this is looking good.
I drive them to their first day of practice. As we are driving, I am probably the most excited. I am thinking my future obligation for college expenses is slowly slipping away. I can retire like a king…have a butler, a maid, a couple of dogs. I won’t have to do a thing. I can sit and relax, drink my girlie drinks and catch some sunshine. Ah retirement….I’m just gonna pamper myself. Then reality set in!
We pull up at the golf course. I open the back of the van and tell the girls to grab their bags so they can march in for their first lesson. They both look at me, look at their bags and then back at me. Oh shit…I get it…I am the golf bitch. The only thing they wanted to do from the fantasy going on in my mind was to march to their lesson. Oh…..so now dad became the caddie. I felt like Happy Gilmore being smacked down by Bob Barker.
As I am walking toward the the lobby, I was telling myself the reason that I bought these damn clubs and bags was because they were made for little kids to cart their own clubs. It is a backpack style and it only weighed about 10lbs. Either way, I was being a good caddie and got their bags setup on the putting green.
All in all being the golf bitch was a small price to pay. I decided to stick around to watch the girls practice their new game. While they are not Tiger Woods at this point, I was throughly impressed with how well they picked up putting and driving on their first day. There were a couple points where Milana became frustrated but I helped her move past those moments and she really has come around.
I am hoping that they stick with golf as it is something that I can enjoy with them until they start making me look crappy on the golf course (this is not hard to do). I think this will help them not only develop friendships with other like minded kids but also gets them away from the house and their tablets for a little bit!
I am really not sure how to answer this question. It seems like we function quite well….for the most part. However, there are certain actions and activities that make me question this……ON A DAILY BASIS. Having four women in the house, me and my buddy Fozzie are a little out numbered but I thought that I was pretty familiar with how girls should act/behave even outside the public eye. From my understanding, girls are supposed to be sugar and spice and everything nice. Apparently, Mia, Milana and Bella did not get the memo.
Oh I know what you are saying (if you know the evil Triad), but Mike, they are so well behaved when they come over. But mike, they are so good in school. Well folks let me tell you a couple stories so that you can get a true picture of what goes on behind closed doors at the abode!
Because Mary and I had a strong belief that family meals were important, we try to make it a priority to eat together as a family. If I only had a video camera to record what truly goes on at “family time”. It all starts off normal. The meal is prepared. It is portioned out on everyone’s plate. Everyone sits down and starts to eat. Sounds pretty normal right? Well this is where it gets interesting.
Stage 1: Parents become an Encyclopedia Britannica – This is the first part of our dysfunctional dinner time. It starts with pretty simple questions about virtually anything that exists in the world. At some point, it changes into complex questions that would require lengthy discussions from a NASA expert, a philosophical genius, or possibly Nikola Tesla to discuss the differences between AC and DC current. The questions do not stop and at certain times I think they just ask questions to hear their voices or see if Mary and I will voluntarily call an ambulance to take us to the nearest mental health clinic.
Stage 2: The Poop Factor – As you can probably tell, there is some healthy discussions that go on at our dinner table and we can probably solve about 95% of the world’s problems. Unfortunately, this would only be possible if we all could sit and have our discussions uninterrupted by multiple bathroom breaks. It doesn’t matter if all of the girls are marched into the bathroom right before we sit down to eat. At least one or two of them need to take a trip to the bathroom. I am thinking that there is some sort of gravitational force underneath our dinner table that focuses on the food that goes into the girls mouths. I think somehow it bypasses the normal passage and goes to the “end of the road”. Maybe this could be one of our discussions in Stage 1?
Stage 2.5: The Bella Factor – Not that the bathroom break is true bliss, but Bella has a new trick for her turn on the potty. Not only will she let us know that she is done with her fecal assault….she has a new weapon in the arsenal. It has been reported that Bella will now “trick you” by calling you in the bathroom. Unbeknownst to the “sucker” is that she will be ass up and facing you….butt cheeks spread apart with a statement similar to “Is is all gone?”. Who in the hell does this? I seriously think that she is possessed by Chucky the doll. I could possibly understand this from a boy but not from a sugar and spice girl!
Stage 3: Burps and Chair Rattlers – If all these things were not bad enough….The girls seem to think that burping and farting at the dinner table is super funny. I guess I might have given the green light for this behavior by “accidentally” doing this myself and also laughing when they did it initially. Unfortunately, it has gotten out of hand. They are more defined burps than a drunken sailor….More defined farts than even I can produce! They giggle and say “excuse me”. I try to explain to them that “excuse me” does not give them “golden ticket” to turn our dinner into a war zone. Their response….more giggling and cute little smiles. Ah damn it…All if forgiven. Hopefully, their future significant others will be able to weather the storm.
I am hoping that this type of behavior occurs in other families as I cannot think that I am the only one that deals with these issues. Please leave a comment below and let me know what types of “normal” behavior happens at your dinner table….Do you have the dysfunctional dinner table too?
There is no doubt about it….I am getting older everyday. Shocker right? With the line of work that firefighters are involved in, age does have an impact on everything we do. The funny sounds that seem to appear every day when we get up. Are they not awesome? Well let’s not discuss those things today but yet focus on how the girls are “seeing” the horrors of old age!
It was a quiet day like any other day. Actually it was a little too quiet as in the girls were not making too much sound. This is highly unusual in that someone is ALWAYS making some sort of noise in or around the house. This led me to an investigation. I checked downstairs and the lights were off. I checked the first floor and still nothing. Hmmm….where could they be. The door to the master bedroom was closed but I heard a little commotion behind it. I quickly flew up to the stairs to see what was truly going on. I kicked in the door to the bedroom and still nothing but the bathroom light was on and there was a muffled discussion going on. Hmmmm…What could it be??
To my surprise, I saw Mary leaning over the sink with her hair over her head (think Cousin Itt from the Addams Family). She wasn’t alone though! Milana was in the room with her. Milana looks at me with a slight expression of surprise on her face. Here is how the conversation goes:
Daddy: Milana what are you doing?
Milana: I’m helping Mommy with her white hair.
Daddy: (giggles are ready to explode out of me) You are doing what?
Mary: She is helping me with my gray hair. Do you have a problem?
Daddy: I guess not. Have fun.
In the past this used to be an individual affair as Mary did this on her own….hiding out in the bathroom like everyone would have chased her out of the house with pitchforks and torches if we found out. What is worse is that she has now recruited Milana to help her with her “dirty little secret”. Apparently, the gray hairs is a big deal with women and they hunt them like Luke Skywalker hunting down Darth Vader. Annihilate them at all costs and spare no prisoners!
After this episode is over, Mary comes up to me to let me know that I have gray hair. She noticed it is my 5 o’clock shadow. She tells me it is becoming more pronounced. My response, “I don’t care”. It makes me looks more distinguished. I am getting closer to my idol….007! Shit…I have a lot of things that are proving that I am getting older. I have gray hair. Maybe it is time to start dyeing my hair. Nah…that just seems like a royal pain in the ass and waste of time. It’s like cutting grass. As soon as you are done, you’ll be doing it again.
I’ve been told that I am balding. OH SHIT! Wait, not really a big deal. It has been a good 45 year run and I’m not there yet. I could do some bad ass comb over maneuvers to see if that might work. I could go the route of Brian Urlacher and get some plugs put in. Both options really are not important to me. Bring on au natural! I’ll just let time takes its toll on me….I’ll just cut it short and it will look normal!
This age thing is something that we cannot change. It keeps creeping up on everyone every day. As quickly as I see my girls growing, I know that I am aging just as quickly. I wish I could slow it down to make sure I do not miss any of the important times in their lives but we all know that that cannot happen. The best I can do is enjoy what I have and not sweat the small stuff like gray hairs, balding head or sagginess in other areas:)~~~~
