Sometimes I find myself laughing about the weird and different things that the kids do. Interestingly, I think many of the people that do not have kids fail to “enjoy” or understand what parents have to deal with. I have decided to do a “top five things that things only parents would understand”.
Kids Desire to Be the Next Picasso – First, one my biggest “joys” is when I become the human version of a magic eraser. It seems like there is nothing sacred inside our house when it comes to a possible “canvas” for the girls. It started out so simple. We have textured walls in the basement. This also used to be my man cave BUT kids definitely can wreak havoc on that idea. The basement now has become the kids play land…or better yet the room that looks like a nuclear warhead went off in. Along with the toys, the girls store all their art supplies. One day the kids were playing down there. Later that day, I found white chalk “tick marks” like they are counting their days in prison. Thankfully, it was an easy one to clean up. That did not remain the case for some of the other artistic expressions. Mia decided one day that Milana would be her canvas….so she she drew on her with crayons. Thankfully, a little bit of scrubbing in the bathtub and Milana’s “tattoos” came off. The two that were the hardest to remove had one created by Mia and the other by Bella. Mia decided that crayons on carpet (dark blues and purples) was a good ideas. Let’s just say it took a ton of scrubbing and OxyClean to get the marks removed. Bella did not want to upstaged by Mia so got to work. She decided to go into my office with a pencil and “etch” some drawings on my way. This graffiti was done so “well” that it still exists to this day. The only way to get rid of this art is to paint the office which I refuse to do! Thanks Bella for the art!
Breaks Don’t Exist – I think sometimes that kids were put on this earth to challenge their parents on a daily basis. I think there must be a secret school somewhere in my house where they have all sit for hours honing their skills. They continue to up their game to ensure that breaks do not exist.
Mommy: Ok Bella….We all know that you like to go potty during dinner. Why don’t you go now so we are not interrupted.
Bella: No. I don’t have to go.
Mommy: Okay well you are not going while we are eating.
[Food is placed on the table and everyone takes their first bite]
Bella: I have to go potty.
Mommy: [In her head…or so she thinks] Damn it Bella….then go potty.
[Two minutes later….oh and after a couple more bites of food]
Bella: I HAVE POO POO!
Mommy: [Face turns 3 shades of red as she goes to wipe one more little ass]
Kids Do Not Need Toys – I like many of you was crushed when I saw that Toys R Us was shutting down. That store contained so many memories for me as it was a wonderland for kids to find virtually any toy. I was fortunate to have plenty of toys to enjoy as I grew up. Keeping that in mind, I think it is important for the kids to also have toys that they can enjoy. That being said, I have been shocked by the “toys” that consistently come out on top for the girls. You probably could say that I “spoil” the girls with these toys on a frequent basis and in many different shapes and sizes. What are they? BOXES from Amazon. These boxes seem to bring so much joy and happiness…and the girls FIGHT over who gets to use the box. When the fights erupt, the one thing that can calm the troops is the other “gift” that shows up inside the boxes….The Air Packets inside to cushion the actual item. They will then fight over how many of the packets each of them gets….Let the fights continue because Daddy is gonna buy a skid load of different sizes “presents” for all of you…and I’ll only spend about $25!
Parents Appreciate Sleep – All of you non-parents just don’t understand this. Sleep in til 9am? NOT! Wanna get a nap in? NOT! As parents, we are the personal servants of our kids. Oh your sick, Mommy? Suck it! I need to be fed. I need you to wipe my dirty little butt. “Daddy….Entertain me!”. Oh you had a rough night on your ambulance? Suck it! A little hung over from the Xmas party? Hehehe….You better suck it up buttercup! Kids do not see any of these as their problems. You will get up at the crack ass of dawn and keep that engine running until they end up going back to sleep. The only exception here is to purchase a blow gun with tranquilizer darts. Just make sure you have good aim!
Parents Appreciate What It Means to Be a Broken Record –
Daddy: Girls we need to get our shoes and jackets on so we can get to school.
[Collective Response – NONE!]
Daddy: Girls we REALLY need to get our shoes and jackets on so we can get to school.
[Collective Response – Walk about 2 feet – look around – Pretend like Daddy just said NOTHING – Continue on doing whatever you want]
Daddy: GIRLS GET YOUR SHOES AND JACKETS ON NOW!
[Collective Response – Gaze at me with a look that says – “Are you really serious?”]
Daddy: [Walk out of the house toward the car shaking my head]
[Collective Thought of Girls – “That’s Right Bitch…We Own You!”
All parents can understand these five things on some level. All non-parents do not get to “enjoy” them individually but probably can relate or heard stories from friends that are parents! Let me know below your ideas of what else should have made the list…Oh and while you are thinking about it…Why don’t you like the Fire Dads Facebook page before I send Diablo Bella to come with her colored pencils to your home!