Whoa….the Fire Dads have spoken. We all love our kids (or at least most of us do) but there are certain things that work better when there are no kids around. We have come up with our top 5 list of things you will no longer be able to do now that you have kids.
Dance Like Tom Cruise in Risky Business
Don’t lie to yourself any longer. I know I have always enjoyed picking up the closest candle stick as you wear just a collared shirt, a pair of tighty whities and sport socks. Close your eyes for a moment and take yourself where you crank the music up to an “11” and slide across my hard wood floor as Bob Seger’s Old Time Rock and Roll jams on the “hi fi”. This fantasy now is DEAD! No longer can you walk around and enjoy yourself. No longer is underwear acceptable in your home as a “strutting” piece of clothing. Now it is reserved to being hidden by more clothes never to be seen again. It’s over you Tom wanna be!
Sleeping In
Wasn’t it great. Those times that you could enjoy with your eyes shut past oh like……6am?? Now the kids have taken control of my sleep. I am at their mercy. They dictate my sleep now. Oh you want to sleep til 8am? NOT! Oh you want your weekends back? NOT! The only thing that has helped is a clock that looks like a little bug. It lights up at a time that I set and the girls have been instructed to stay in bed until it lights up. I never thought it would work….figured they would just continue doing their early morning wake-ups. Surprisingly, they stay in bed even it they are up. SCORE! The best $25 dollars I have spent!
Having Sex Wherever and Whenever You Want
Oh yeah. On the couch, the shower, the counter…..Hell anywhere and and anytime. Banging like a bunch of crazed horny animals. (Insert screeching tire sound). All that is OVER! Kid radar kicks in when some intimate time is in order. It really doesn’t matter when….You will be found out. You have to watch over your shoulder the entire time. Some people probably consider this a challenge….I just call it too much stress. The last thing I need to do is scar them for life with the sounds of beds creaking, some sort of moaning and groaning among other things that will never leave my mind….thanks mom and dad!
Enjoying Getting Out the Door Quickly
Ah yes. I remember the day when I could be out the door in 20 mins or less (that included a shower, getting dressed and all the necessary equipment). Good luck getting out the door without a 60 minute prep time now. We actually have to prepare to get out the door. Typical scenario in the morning for school looks something like this. Get up at about 645. Make sure they eat breakfast. Yes this is a challenge in the morning.
Pequeño Diablo
Me: Hey Bella…What do you want for breakfast?
Response: A Cutie!
Me: Honey, You need to eat something else.
Response: (Insert an Angry Face) Ok. One Oatmeal too.
After this, we need to check that all homework is their bags. We need to get a snack for Mia’s school and make sure she has a full bottle of water for school. Everybody finishes their breakfast. Then it is time to get our shoes and coats on. Just about this time, Mia’s bus comes and she is gone off to 1st grade. After that….we are out the door to Zion with the other two. Time check…..0745. Where did my hour go? Couldn’t I do this before in 20 mins? I didn’t even get a shower in!
Use the Bathroom in Peace
I’ve saved the best for last. I remember a day where using the sacred throne was a just that….sacred. Hell, I could sit in there for hours if I wanted to. Taking a shit was an experience! Read a book, relax, wax your eyebrows, do other man deeds….It was all fair game. Now, it has been relabeled the community center. For some reason, when I retire to the ceramic cauldron, some sort of alarm goes off in the kids heads and deep conversations need to be started and completed. While I am not going to lie I do have some of my best thinking sessions, it is probably not an appropriate time or place when all I hear is “Dad, you stink! Turn on the fan.” Interestingly enough, they will stay there anyway to continue the conversation. I try to get them to leave with my foul odor but for some reason it just draws them in….I think they are flies!
Have any others that should be part of this list? List them below in the comments!
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