Daddy Are You Pregnant?
Now while I am sure that men have been pregnant in the past, I want to assure you that I am currently not expecting a child…..for a couple of reasons. First, Mary would wonder who the “donor” would be. Second, she already informed me that three little dirty hamsters (Mia, Milana and Bella) is plenty in the house. Last, I just don’t think I am such bad shape.
No….No…In fact, I know I am not in bad shape. I have read the posts on Facebook of many women talking about “baby weight” and that they have embraced it. Well so have I! Equal rights right? Why can’t I gain some weight. My waist is a little thicker….My ass is moving toward a “ghetto booty”. Alas, if I continue down this path, I will definitely start “twerking” and putting all you sadly mistaken ladies to shame!
(more…)Is It Time for School….Again?
I am thinking that most of the Fire Dads out there are excited about the upcoming school year. While I love my girls, I have had plenty of “flash forwards” where all of the girls march their little butts quickly out the door, to the end of the driveway and onto the bus. As of this year, 2 out of the 3 girls are going to be taking the bus to school. Both girls seem pretty stoked about taking the bus and going to “their school” as Milana corrected Bella on today.
(more…)Time for a New Addition
Things were getting a little quiet around here. Three girls and a dog just are not enough in this household. What is important to note is that Fozzie and myself are a little outweighed in this house. Now while that “time” has not occurred where all the women start their “sync”, there was a very special need to have more of a balance in the household. In other words, there needed to balance in the Force (you’re welcome for the nerd reference Troiani:)~~~
So to balance the hormones in the house required a new addition. Welcome baby Gonzo! While he will never walk on two legs, he is a pretty bad ass little fella. When Mary mentioned this was a possibility due to a new litter from the same place that we got Fozzie, I was all in. The nice thing was that he was making a pilgrimage from Iowa to drop a dog off in New Lennox. Thankfully, his route came right by our exit. He ended up stopping by with a ton of puppies!
I wanted to make this a very democratic process. I figured the dogs would show up, the girls would like the dog that I wanted and that is what we would get. Unfortunately, it did not turn out quite like I planned. The breeder showed up. Mary told him we were looking for another male Labradoodle (yeah…another male!) At least that was a step in the right direction. He ended up about five males for us to choose from.
To make a long story short, I chose a playful little black fellow that seemed to be pretty friendly even with the neighbors that ended up showing up to see the litter. Milana picked a Chocolate Labradoodle….Mia picked a white one and Bella was indecisive just switching from the white one and the chocolate one depending on which sister was sharing at the moment. A good dad would have chosen between the ones “adored” by his daughter’s. A good dad might have even bought them both. A good dad would want to see a smile on his girls faces! Well screw that!
Fortunately, when you are a bad ass like myself you carry this thing called the Fire Dad Veto! I ended up taking the friendly little black one which NO ONE wanted. I tried to explain that I have a good track record for choosing the right dog. I tried to explain that I knew what I was doing. Yeah…that was an epic fail. Mia started crying she would never love Gonzo because it was not the white one that she wanted. Milana was not happy either (the damn brown one was the runt!). Bella was upset that I was not listening to her sisters. I am an evil dad!
Fast forward one week and guess what???? I made a GREAT decision. Mia holds Gonzo like her baby. Milana carries him around like her own little doll. Bella is just happy there is a dog that is smaller than she is. He seems like a solid little puppy and is smart as a whip. So what is comes down to is sometimes dad knows best…and in this case it appears to be the case. Welcome little Gonzo…I’m sure you will add some memories…as soon as you stop shitting on the carpet!
Have You Ever Been Called Golf Bitch?
Have you ever been called a golf bitch? Well neither have I to be perfectly honest. But as my momma used to tell me, “Son, Actions speak louder than words!”. It all started out like any other day in the Przybylski Chalet. My kids were running around like a bunch of wild animals in need of a tranquilizer dart, Mary carried the dart gun but was out of ammo from the previous day and I was doing something extremely important like putting my feet up, watching some television or plucking hairs from my ears (which seems to becoming more frequent).
In all of our infinite wisdom, we decided that the girls would benefit from being involved in some golf lessons. Well to be perfectly honest, it was a selfish decision, as I am attempting to pick the “low hanging fruit” for potential scholarships later on in their college lives. Let’s be honest…If you know me and my level and sports “skills” we all know they are doomed! Getting a scholarship in those highly competitive sports for me would be like me winning the damn lottery.
I have been counseled by many parents that have kids ready to enter college who advise that sports like bowling, archery, lacrosse and golf for girls have tremendous potential for scholarships. Hey Mia, Milana and Bella….I love you loads but college costs are ridiculous and we are gonna need all the help we can get to offset college costs. Hmmmm…..or I could fashion it like this. Your choice – school or marriage? Okay, well the school payment option is not so bad after all!
It is important to note that I am all in on this golf thing. I thought what else do you need other than a couple of golf balls and a set of clubs. We ended up getting a “junior” set for both girls for a total of $100! Cheap so far and my girls seem to want to make this happen. We find out from one of Mia’s friend’s moms that a local golf course is providing lessons for kids 5 and up. We signed them up for 4 hour long sessions. So far this is looking good.
I drive them to their first day of practice. As we are driving, I am probably the most excited. I am thinking my future obligation for college expenses is slowly slipping away. I can retire like a king…have a butler, a maid, a couple of dogs. I won’t have to do a thing. I can sit and relax, drink my girlie drinks and catch some sunshine. Ah retirement….I’m just gonna pamper myself. Then reality set in!
We pull up at the golf course. I open the back of the van and tell the girls to grab their bags so they can march in for their first lesson. They both look at me, look at their bags and then back at me. Oh shit…I get it…I am the golf bitch. The only thing they wanted to do from the fantasy going on in my mind was to march to their lesson. Oh…..so now dad became the caddie. I felt like Happy Gilmore being smacked down by Bob Barker.
As I am walking toward the the lobby, I was telling myself the reason that I bought these damn clubs and bags was because they were made for little kids to cart their own clubs. It is a backpack style and it only weighed about 10lbs. Either way, I was being a good caddie and got their bags setup on the putting green.
All in all being the golf bitch was a small price to pay. I decided to stick around to watch the girls practice their new game. While they are not Tiger Woods at this point, I was throughly impressed with how well they picked up putting and driving on their first day. There were a couple points where Milana became frustrated but I helped her move past those moments and she really has come around.
I am hoping that they stick with golf as it is something that I can enjoy with them until they start making me look crappy on the golf course (this is not hard to do). I think this will help them not only develop friendships with other like minded kids but also gets them away from the house and their tablets for a little bit!
A Fire Dads Mother’s Day
I know. This blog is setup to talk about REAL IMPORTANT dad issues. Things that seem to make a family a bonding experience like vomit, farts and poop. Thankfully, we can post today on something that was special and important to the girls….Mother’s Day!
To say that they were excited about things that they made for Mary would be an understatement. The unfortunate part is NONE of my girls can keep a secret from Mary. I think sometimes that she uses some voodoo mind games on them because they will spill the beans. Most of the time she does not need to even ask them a question. It’s like when I did my first confession. I was so scared that the priest was going to come through and whack me on the head, I confessed to things that I did, thought about doing and things that other people did just to make sure I covered it all.
Milana made Mary a oven mitt with her hand prints on it. Could she keep a lid on it? NOPE! While she did not say what it was, she gave enough information that she could figure it out. “Mom, Don’t go in my closet because your Mother’s Day Gift is in there”. Bella is no better, “Mom, I made you [insert item] for [insert special day]. I should have known better than to bring the girls with to get a card but I wanted them to help me pick out something special.
We had some errands to run so we made a stop at the local Walmart. Of course, they have it set up right as you walk in the door with a Mother’s Day display. On it there was plenty of cards. Well, let’s just say, I hope no one takes the front card because the girls beat some of them up pretty good looking inside. Milana wanted a card with a charm on it. “Oh Daddy, let’s get this one! Mommy will love the necklace.” I said, “Milana you mean you want it right?” She said, “No Daddy” then smiled and put the card back. Bella the brute was pulling cards and by the time she got done with them, they looked like origami. We finally decided on this huge “poster board” card. It was big and had flowers on it…just what girls love. As we were driving in the car, I told the girls that they could not mention the card to Mommy. They all agreed! I told them that they would lose 10 stars (reward system in the house). They suggested 20 stars and I agreed to 20. I figured they had it!
As we pulled into the subdivision, I reminded them about their promise and the potential to lose 20 stars. They all said they understood. We parked in the driveway. I pulled everything out except the card…figured I could smuggle it in later for the girls to decorate. I was walking in the door with Bella when she turns to Mary (this is where Mary did her voodoo shit) and says, “Mommy, don’t go in daddy’s car there is something in there for you”. My jaw dropped as I turned towards her. She put her head down and ran past me in the house. I think Bella has a weird form of a truth telling type of tourette’s syndrome. How else do you explain this phenomenon. Voodoo Mary smiled because she knew what had happened and did not say a word.
Well to make a long story short, the kids did a great job on the card and it was presented to Mary along with a gift certificate for a massage at a local “hot spot”. The kids (well mostly me) prepared breakfast for her when she got home from work at 7am. She was given an egg and cheese sandwich on a english muffin. Mia masterminded that treat. Milana and Bella assisted with making pancakes. It turns out Mommy did not want any so the pancakes turned into chocolate chip pancakes for the girls.
Dinner was all in my hands. The girls and I went to the store and picked up some King Crab legs, steak, broccoli and a kale salad. Mommy stayed true to her vegetarian diet and would not eat steak. We spent the first several minutes breaking apart the legs for the kids to have crab and then got to enjoy some ourselves. We stuffed her pretty good and then sent her on her way back to work tonight.
Thanks for being a great mommy and be safe on the mean streets of the county!
Please let you friends know about us and make sure you have them like our 
….otherwise I send the tattle tale triad to your house to tell everyone about your dirty little secrets!