We don’t need to go potty? NOT!
It did not seem that long ago that a trip to a restaurant meant things like good food, good friends and just good times. We got to go to nicer places, have a few drinks and enjoy some really good food. I got to connect with people because normally the distractions were very few. There was plenty of darts, pool, music, etc. That was before what I have now called BK or Before Kids. Such simple times!
Just as we move from different ages in history (Industrial Age, Space Age, Industrial Age), we have now found ourselves in a new parenting age kindly called: OSITPA – Oh Shit…It’s Those People Again! You have those looks on people’s faces as you slowly enter the restaurant. It’s kinda like being on an airplane and you see the first time mom and dad carrying their baby carrier. You know your ears are going to bleed as soon as that pressure change occurs.
I’m guessing that the looks are more in my head than anything as I have seen many kids before mine do much worse but it can be rather embarrassing and frustrating. One of the main challenges seem to happen EVERY TIME we go out to eat. I think the kids eyes sparkle as they know there is a bathroom in the restaurant that needs to get explored. It’s strange that this would be a problem, as we know their antics and make them go potty prior to leaveing home. SOMEHOW each of the kids Hoover’ Dams are suddenly so full that if they do not go potty while we are at dinner that we will flood the restaurant in a sea of Mountain Dew. What’s more is that there never seems to be a need for a potty break until the food comes.
Bella: Daddy.
Me: Yes, Honey….Do you want more bread?
Bella: No. I got to go potty.
Me: (Putting my hands together and praying for the right response). Just pee pee?
Bella: No poo poo too
Me: (Ugh….Really a deuce….Now? When the food is just showing up? I eat enough cold meals at the firehouse)
At this point I have a couple of options. Option 1: Let her go potty on her own. Option 2: Send in a poop SWAT team (multiple kids). Option 3: Go with her to the potty. Option 4: Make her wait until we get home. So my fire training kicks in as I figure out what my best option. First thing I need to do is do a cost/benefit analysis. It has to be quick. Bella does not mess around.
I like option 4 BUT I know that when Bella says she has to go potty…..She does not fib. Benefit: I have a happy tummy with warm food in it. Cost: Mr. Hanky pays us a visit and Bella is a very pissed off customer.
Option 1: Benefit: Everyone gets to enjoy their food except Bella. Cost: She comes back without proper wiping and we pay the price later at home.
Option 2: Benefit: I get to enjoy my food. It probably tastes yummy and I cannot wait. Cost: I know there will be horseplay. The girls will be kids and decide that a bathroom is a great place to play a game of hide and seek. It will take 10x as long as Option 3.
Option 3: Benefit: It’s a fast in and out. Simple 8 step process…Enter stall…Drop the Drawers…Onto Potty…..Drop the Deuce….Quick Wipe….Pull Up Pants….Wash and Dry Hands. Cost: LUKE WARM FOOD.
Option 4: This is my favorite as I always question the kids bathroom tactics. Are they fibbing? Benefit: I have a happy tummy with warm food in it. Cost: Mr. Hanky pays us a visit and Bella is a very pissed off little girl.
As you can imagine, there really is no optimal option when dealing with potty breaks at a restaurant. In most cases, it seems that Option 3 is the one that we go with. Making sure that a potty break is done in a quick and efficient manner is key. The last thing I need to do is have some angry people coming up to me to tell me that the kids are playing in the bathroom. Even more disturbing would having Bella come back and look like one of our homeless population that got drunk after eating some spicy food. I guess I’ll have to continue enjoying seeing my food just make the table and embrace the fact that I am a kiddie potty concierge.
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