It truly is a magical experience to have kids. At least that was what I thought until the need for potty training and wiping their asses. That to me is not so magical. I’m not sure what I thought on this one. I knew it to be a dirty mess. Hell I have 45 years of experience and consider myself an expert in the field. I thought I knew it all until…well I didn’t.
It’s natural right? Like a little baby bird. Momma bird throws the little bastard out and WHAM you are either flying or are a pile of bird soup. Does this work with potty training? Is there a way to replicate this? NOPE. It takes times and a shit ton of PATIENCE to make it happen.
I remember when I was young and my dad said that he had “wiped enough asses in his life”. I think he secretly was looking forward to the day that payback would occur and I would be all up in there with gas mask, gloves and a biohazard suit. After three girls, I finally understand where he was at….and that there will be payback (insert maniacal laugh).
I’m not sure of science behind it but the girls were quick to being potty trained. It was probably good that Mary was very much on top of it the entire time. Mia was potty trained the quickest. She had it down and was quite impressive. It’s like a light bulb turned on and it was go time. She was super proud of herself every time. We started her on her own little pink potty but she quickly graduated to a kiddie seat on the potty. This was great as we could always transform any potty into a potty she was ready to tackle. The only issue we had with her was trying to guess when she needed to go. It was an art rather than a science…and if your art was wrong, she was going to be PISSED! She did not like sitting on the toilet or any length of time. My theory was if I left her there long enough, the magical event would happen and BOOM. She obviously did not see it the same with me. It took bribes of candy….reading of books….sitting in the bathroom with her otherwise it would be a screaming match. Did she not know that some of my best ideas come out while I sit on the toilet. It’s kinda of like a poor man’s study.
Milana was very quick to the potty training as well. She had it down quickly and learned how to wipe as well. It was during her potty training time that I was a bad “potty coach”. I found out that boys and girls are different. The debate came out between me and Mary about the proper wiping direction. I never really put much thought into this and just always wiped forward instead of back. She insisted that it needed to be done the opposite direction. Then it finally sank in….thankfully I did not cause any infections. Oh I did have to say that I was wrong to Mary because she was not going to let me live that down. Who really wipes backwards? It is just so awkward….Women apparently do!
Ah Bella….yeah this one was a challenge. While she was potty trained quicker than most kids at her school, she was a little resistant to the game plan. I’m thinking, “yeah the other two did so well, Bella will be on board with this”. That is what I thought but she was a hand full. She would cry and whine and cause a big ruckus on the potty due to us trying to time it. When she finally got it….I was like “thank god I’m finally done with this potty thing”…at least that was what I thought.
Poop….Such a dirty and smelly thing. There is no redeeming value in the little brown nuggets. Hell it does not even need to be nuggets, it can be the soft serve variety….it could be explosive…whatever it is…..It is just plain nasty. That being said, I thought with the girls “potty trained” that the only ass I’d wipe is my own. I had faith that the girls were doing a good job. I would ask if they wiped and would always get “yes”. I was satisfied with that until Mary wasn’t. I had to make the pilgrimage to the laundry to be shown the mighty streaks in the underwear. Damn it….back to wiping I went. It took a little time to work on technique with Mia and Milana. After a short period of time and the use of wipes….We nailed it. No more issues; their little butts were clean! Bella….not so much. I’m starting to think she thinks that Mary and I are her personal ass wipers. I’ve seen fluffers before but not official ass wipers. Do I get a badge for this? Do I get hazard pay? Do I have to do this until she is 18? When the hell does it kick in?
Currently, she is unwilling to do the dirty work herself. We are trying the same techniques that were used on Mia and Milana (and worked) and they are not working with Bella. She is my little lazy girl. When she is done….”[Parent Name], I went poo poo!”. I should just give her a bell…at least I would feel like I was an official servant. So on goes the saga of getting Bella on board with wiping. It will continue to be a struggle, but I’m sure we are on the verge of winning the war of poop.
What challenges have you faced? Am I the only one with these types of issues? Do you feel my pain? Do you care:0?
Reach out below in the comments….oh and please make sure you like Fire Dads on Facebook….or I’ll send Bella over to potty train with you!