Yes I know this is a very interesting topic for a post. That being said, I had to do it based upon the obnoxious fumes that these little buggers (aka my daughters) can individually create. I have put much thought into this subject as I have been attempting to come up with an invention that might make them stop. The little “breezers” come out at the most inopportune times. I guess any time is not really the best but there are some times where they should be down right outlawed! Since an invention cannot be made….I have developed a system to assist you in your war on farts.
I think farts can be classified similar to hurricanes since hurricanes are just passing air albeit not as stinky. Here are the classification codes that I have come up with that I think should be implemented immediately in real life. Legal Disclaimer – I will not hold you responsible if you choose to use these Categories for your family….I actually might find it very amusing! After understanding the levels below, you will be in a much better position to be safe around your kids.
Fart Classifications
Category 1 – Simple passing of wind. A Category 1 could be without sound or a very minor amount that does not draw suspicion from friends or family. Normally these ones will have an odor associated with them. The only people that would find out about a Cat 1 would be either just yourself or a friend/family member that is sitting REALLY REALLY too close. The bottom line is that they should not be that close in the first place so LET ‘ER RIP! This is a common level for little kids. In most cases, they are very silent and they will just giggle. As a parent, you know exactly what happened.
Category 2 – Ohhhhh Yeah. Things are not looking brighter with a Cat 2. These should be classified by the terms “Silent but Violent” or “Silent but Deadly”. The sound is very minimal but the odor will sting your nostrils. There are some benefits to laying down a Cat 2. First, since it is silent, you can blame it on the dog….only if you have one. This one is fairly uncommon at least with little girls. I do not know how but they are about 95% Cat 1 and 5% Cat 2.
In my case, in the back of an ambulance, I just look at the patient and attempt to make them look like the bad guy. I cannot tell you how many times my partner looks at me to see my response. I quickly shrug my shoulders in response which only leaves the patient as a suspect. It’s kind of like playing Clue in the ambulance. It’s sick patient with abdominal pain on the cot!
Category 3 – Well the Category 3 is certainly not silent AND it defitnitley has a pungent odor to it. Thankfully at the time of this writing there are no such machines that can pinpoint the location of the methane leak….unless you give it away yourself. The nice thing about having kids is I can blame them…or at least I was able to when they could not talk so well and dime me out. Before we could be at Costco, I drop a Cat 3 and look at Mia in “disgust” saying “Do You Need to Go Potty”….knowing full well it was me and maybe I should detour to the front of the store. Stay away from people that drop the Cat 3 as they most likely have no shame and might just force you into a dutch oven (not the kind you cook with) situation.
In my extensive research on the issue, I have found that only 1 to 2 children per year pass into the Category 3 range. If a Cat 3 sneaks up on you….there are only 2 real culprits…..the dog…..or your husband!
Category 4 – The Cat 4 is just downright disgusting along with the people that create it. These bad boys will clear a room. It is the judge, jury and executioner of farts. They leave no one “untouched” with their noxious fumes. Your nose will sting. You will have to open windows. People are going to pay for these. People who intentionally send out a Cat 4 do so without regard to those around them. There is hell to pay and the Cat 4 is going to do the job. 99.5% chance that guys are responsible. In a room full of women and one guy….It was the guy. Lay a disgusted look on him immediately and lay blame. Shame on you for doing such a dastardly deed!
In history, kids are not capable of creating such a beast. At this point, it is more of a bragging right when you get to this level. At this point, lay blame on the people with the testosterone in the house as they are the only ones capable of producing such a vile beast.
Category 5 – This can be classified as either the “Holy War” or just Armageddon. With this one there is a little enjoyment for the people that just suffered what they believe to be a Cat 4. This one has “carrier payback” meaning that the deliverer will also suffer at the hands of their own “discharge”. A word was created for a Category 5 that some are familiar with. It is vile…It is disgusting but it really defines what has occurred…..A SHART (shit fart). The Cat 5 is a nuclear warhead where everyone suffers. The surrounding area has to suffocate on a Cat 4 level aroma explosion while the “carrier” has to deal with the toxic waste in their pants. It’s the gift that keeps on giving.
This is like the hundred year storm…..or a perfect storm. Think of your friends that are lactose intolerant that cannot layoff the extra cheese pizza. They devour 8 slices in a short period of time. Not thinking much of it, they get into their vehicles and have their “long” drive home. Let’s just say…..It’s not a fun ride home as their stomach gurgles and chugs along until….Oops…I did it again!
Well hopefully you find this classification chart useful in your home life. It is important to understand the different levels and what you can do to protect yourself now and into the future. Should you have the need for more useless conversation pieces, we post every Monday, Wednesday and Friday on Fire Dads and are happy to share. Do us a favor and like our Facebook page….and we will love you long time!