I am really not sure how to answer this question. It seems like we function quite well….for the most part. However, there are certain actions and activities that make me question this……ON A DAILY BASIS. Having four women in the house, me and my buddy Fozzie are a little out numbered but I thought that I was pretty familiar with how girls should act/behave even outside the public eye. From my understanding, girls are supposed to be sugar and spice and everything nice. Apparently, Mia, Milana and Bella did not get the memo.
Oh I know what you are saying (if you know the evil Triad), but Mike, they are so well behaved when they come over. But mike, they are so good in school. Well folks let me tell you a couple stories so that you can get a true picture of what goes on behind closed doors at the abode!
Because Mary and I had a strong belief that family meals were important, we try to make it a priority to eat together as a family. If I only had a video camera to record what truly goes on at “family time”. It all starts off normal. The meal is prepared. It is portioned out on everyone’s plate. Everyone sits down and starts to eat. Sounds pretty normal right? Well this is where it gets interesting.
Stage 1: Parents become an Encyclopedia Britannica – This is the first part of our dysfunctional dinner time. It starts with pretty simple questions about virtually anything that exists in the world. At some point, it changes into complex questions that would require lengthy discussions from a NASA expert, a philosophical genius, or possibly Nikola Tesla to discuss the differences between AC and DC current. The questions do not stop and at certain times I think they just ask questions to hear their voices or see if Mary and I will voluntarily call an ambulance to take us to the nearest mental health clinic.
Stage 2: The Poop Factor – As you can probably tell, there is some healthy discussions that go on at our dinner table and we can probably solve about 95% of the world’s problems. Unfortunately, this would only be possible if we all could sit and have our discussions uninterrupted by multiple bathroom breaks. It doesn’t matter if all of the girls are marched into the bathroom right before we sit down to eat. At least one or two of them need to take a trip to the bathroom. I am thinking that there is some sort of gravitational force underneath our dinner table that focuses on the food that goes into the girls mouths. I think somehow it bypasses the normal passage and goes to the “end of the road”. Maybe this could be one of our discussions in Stage 1?
Stage 2.5: The Bella Factor – Not that the bathroom break is true bliss, but Bella has a new trick for her turn on the potty. Not only will she let us know that she is done with her fecal assault….she has a new weapon in the arsenal. It has been reported that Bella will now “trick you” by calling you in the bathroom. Unbeknownst to the “sucker” is that she will be ass up and facing you….butt cheeks spread apart with a statement similar to “Is is all gone?”. Who in the hell does this? I seriously think that she is possessed by Chucky the doll. I could possibly understand this from a boy but not from a sugar and spice girl!
Stage 3: Burps and Chair Rattlers – If all these things were not bad enough….The girls seem to think that burping and farting at the dinner table is super funny. I guess I might have given the green light for this behavior by “accidentally” doing this myself and also laughing when they did it initially. Unfortunately, it has gotten out of hand. They are more defined burps than a drunken sailor….More defined farts than even I can produce! They giggle and say “excuse me”. I try to explain to them that “excuse me” does not give them “golden ticket” to turn our dinner into a war zone. Their response….more giggling and cute little smiles. Ah damn it…All if forgiven. Hopefully, their future significant others will be able to weather the storm.
I am hoping that this type of behavior occurs in other families as I cannot think that I am the only one that deals with these issues. Please leave a comment below and let me know what types of “normal” behavior happens at your dinner table….Do you have the dysfunctional dinner table too?