Well my dream finally has come true! I was formally nominated as a candidate for the Father of the Year 2018 by several different national magazines including, Better Homes and Gardens, Cosmopolitan, Teen Magazine and the National Enquirer. Apparently, I received 1000’s of nominations from all walks of life. It has been very humbling to find out that 1000’s of individuals went out of their way to nominate me based upon my superior parenting skills. I’m truly not sure what took so long for people to figure it out….but it finally it has happened….and then I woke up from my dream as I found Fozzie french kissing me due to my sleep apnea.
Why was I dreaming about being recognized as the Father of the Year? Well, I recently read an article about a woman that had made her child cry and she felt terrible about it. As I read further, she talked about how her daughter had come home from school and talked about a boy that every girl was “interested” in. The mother ended up letting out a laugh which in turn made her daughter feel self conscious and start to cry. I sat with my mouth open just disgusted with how this woman had been so mean to her poor innocent child. I said to myself, “What an asshole!”. I figured it was about time to hunt this woman down by her email address, call her out and start picketing her home because see was a savage…an uncaring beast!
Oh wait! I should not throw stones as I have done far worse in my career which probably will lead me to not being nominated any time soon. I look at parenting as a learning game. It appears that someone forgot to send me to parenting school while I was growing up. They forgot to give me a playbook to work off of….not even a sample plan on how to be the perfect parent. Well, let’s just say that I fail on a regular basis! Maybe you can relate to some of these things that might sooner find themselves on my grave stone versus my acceptance speech as a Father of the Year ceremony.
Father who failed to take his daughter to the doctor after complaints of pain after some somersaults in a ditch. Figured you could throw a little dirt on it and move on. 3 days and 1 X-ray later – Result – Broken Clavicle….Oh damn.
Father that failed to show up for daughter’s Center day at school (1st Day to be there) to help out a teacher. Result – One very pissed off daughter and one nice reminder email from the teacher letting me know I was an idiot.
Father that has spanked his kids. Yeah yeah I know what you are saying. This type of punishment is unwarranted….Well, I thought it was a good idea at the time and I feel horrible to this day. What I do have to say in support (weak standing) is that it seemed to work wonders with me. My father would only need to threaten a nice rosy booty and this boy started towing the line. I learned real quick that it was no lie that when I pushed a little too much that I would be in BIG TROUBLE with my dad. Needless to say, I do not condone this as being appropriate for anyone…but I did it and I’m fessing up (It’s the first step in my 12 step program for SA – Spankers Anonymous).
Father that has mocked his kids. There is HIGH drama at the Chalet on a regular basis. One child (who shall remain anonymous) is what I would classify as a drama queen. I’m thinking that she probably could get a Hollywood Star which some of her epic performances. Take her toy….Cry. Doesn’t get what she wants for dinner….Cry. Tell her no….Cry. Pretty much anything….Cry. I am not sure if it has become just her default response to negative things….but whatever. Anywho….now my response to her when she cries is that I cry back at her. Not really crying but because I am an asshole…I do a mock cry back at her. Not surprisingly, the water works turn off pretty quick and she just tells me to “stop it”….I guess it works…well kinda??
I’m sure there are plenty of people that are probably checking to see if there is currently an online petition to revoke my parenthood card. Well I guess you can go ahead try to do that….and I’d probably cry. The bottom line is that I do love my girls. They can be dramatic little monsters sometimes but that does not change that I would go to the ends of the world and back for each of them….as long as they stop the crying crap! What I will allow is for you to take away my PPC card (Perfect Parent Club Card – 4% rebate on all gas purchases, 2% on Dining and 1.25% on everything else) because I never said I was perfect, I plan to mess up being a parent on a semi-frequent basis but plan on learning from my mistakes!
During the time it takes you to read this post….you could have already liked this post and the Fire Dads Facebook page about 1000 times!!!!! What do I need to do to make you click a button???? Force you to do somersaults in my ditch?? Mock you while you cry? Pick your poison or just be a kind person and LIKE ME ALREADY!!!!