Emasculated at Home?
Who would have thought that this word would come into my vocabulary. Some friends might say that it happened the day that I was married but I believe this truly was chipped away with the birth of each of my girls. Activities that were once reserved and showed that you are a man…only stripped away….day by day by day.
You won’t see me upset like most guys that cannot do things that are dominated by “males”. Want me to open a jar? I’ll get it even if I have to run the damn jar over with a car. Win for me. Success in career? Hell no. I am comfortable with the idea and Mary and I both work and have the same end game. Could it be that I had to move back in with my mom? Nope…never had to do that either. What could cause destruction to the man ego? Pretty simple…..I have to sit down to pee! Laugh it up all you haters….All I know is that I do not have problems with pee stains all over the toilet. But how did I get this way?
Fozzie – My Male Buddy
I know it is surprising but with the exception of Fozzie (the Labradoodle), everyone in my house finds it to be a challenge to stand and pee. For some reason, women have failed to adopt peeing all over the seat….and they don’t have the shake issue either. One might believe that keeping our toilets clean would drive a person to sit down to pee BUT have a little respect people…I am not that weak. The true reason is coming up!
All I hear is “Daddy, [Insert Child Name] did [Insert Offense]”. This happens countless times throughout the day. As I look back to my childhood years, I do not remember telling on my brother as much as the girls do now. As any other parent, sometimes it is nice to “hide” somewhere in the house. The Anti-Cheers – A place to call your own where no one knows your name. The girls have a bathroom radar that they are quick to follow to the bathroom.
It seems anytime I need to travel to the bathroom, they come up with a “Eureka” moment that they need to tell me about. They walk right in to the bathroom and sit and have a conversation with you. I figured my personal “aroma” would keep the animals at bay. Boy was I wrong! I’m thinking my stench draws the kids in like flies. I see what you are thinking. “Hey idiot, why don’t you just lock the door”. Well they have figured out how to defeat the door locks for the bathrooms. So as I’m doing my business they go on and on….and on…..and on….and on. I just sit there hoping that it will soon be over. The peace of the bathroom has definitely been destroyed.
Where did they pick this behavior up? Oh ask their mommy. Sometimes I think she wants to solve the world’s problems by having a conversation when I am trying to slip away. Take a shower? She comes in? Take a shit? She comes in. Somehow she probably orchestrated this plan to stop me peeing all over the seat.
Needless to say, no one knows at the fire station….. so please don’t pass it on. I can still stand at the urinal and no on is the wiser of my home life. You will probably tell so…..I’ll leave my man card on my way into the bathroom.