(Translated using Google Translation – Dog to Human)
Hello Everyone,
My name is Fozzie…and I’m a dog. I’m not just any dog. I’m a Labradoodle! Yeah, 20 years ago I would have been just a “mutt” but some douche decided to come up with a “cute” name for merging my Labrador genes with a Poodle. It’s like these idiots that come up with the names for celebrity couples like Brangelina and TomKat. Hey idiots…this Labradoodle is ready to give you a quick Donkey Punch – look that one up!
I’m a pretty smart dude as I brought in the genes from my Poodle mom’s side. The blend also brings out my adorable curls that all the chicks fawn over. Oh did I mention my dreamy hazel eyes that draw people’s attention like Medusa’s hair? Just so you know, I run the roost around here and all these humans in this house know it. I pushed Mike (the bitch thinks he is the alpha in the house) off the computer and immediately using a voice translator to write this post.
Just a little bit about me. I was kidnapped at an early age from my parents and siblings. I used to live on a big farm with my brothers and sisters and now I live with a dad and four girls. Let me tell you….with the exception of the dude….there is plenty of drama in this house. One word that defines these people is “nutso” but they are still family; don’t we all have at least one in our family? While people would probably want to immediately jump into my shoes because I live the fairy tale life, let me assure you that this ain’t no cake walk.
First, these people like to interrupt my sleep regularly. Oh Fozzie, time to go potty. Oh Fozzie, time to eat. They are always doing something around me. It drives me nuts. And these kids…UGH. All they want to do is hug me if you call it a hug. They put me into positions that would make WWE superstars jealous. Alas, I’ve learned a trick to get rid of them quickly though. I wait for them to start talking and I lick the inside of the mouth and let’s just say I’ve got a LONG tongue! After a few Frenchies and the little monsters back off right ricky tick! At that point, I try to move into a “safe” area and try to turn invisible
Let Me Have Some Fun w You Dog Doctor!
Next, they want to make me less of a man. That’s right folks…they wanna cut my nuts off. I thought they would forget as it’s been over a year but these asshole dog docs went and sent a reminder email. These dog doctors say what a great idea it is because of this or that. Hey doc….if its so great to have this done….Give me a rag soaked in cloraform, a scapel and 5 minutes of your time and let me get a little creative on your body. Oh…and then the fun begins because they put this stupid ass cone on my neck so I can even lick my manhood. Try and get that image out of your head! As Maui (from Moana) would say “You’re Welcome!”
And then there’s major issue with them blocking me from my ladies. I am not talking about the PITAs that live in the house. I’m talking about Shyla and Mia (my bitches next to me). That’s right folks. I do not have just one lady to choose from….I have two. I like the variety! On my right, I have Shyla. She’s a Golden Retreiver and she is a doll. We roll play and she always wants to be the submissive. Every time we play (when those humans don’t interfere)….she rolls over and shows me her belly. After a while, I start to get bored playing the dominant dog so i turn my attention to my other love interest….Mia. She is a St. Bernard and about twice me size; I just like to call her big boned. I’m a little into the “larger” ladies so that satisfies that need as well. She throws me around and it drives me doggie wild! Unfortunately, these humans always seem to be the fun police and “beep” my collar to come inside just as I’m making my move. Let’s just say Pimpin’ ain’t Easy Folks….Especially when you have a beep collar on!
Last, we have an issue with sharing. I’m a dog and I love to share everything with them. I’m part retriever so I do what is in my genes. A couple months after I was home there was a family of rabbits living out front. You’d think these people would want me to bring them dinner. NOPE. I chase a succulent baby bunny down and bring them over only to be scolded. Hmmmm….Not sure you wanna do this humans as I can share other things. Well, let’s just say I paid them back in spades. One time when I had some “guests” over….I showed them how I could take a dump inside the house. Oh yeah….and another time I shared my unique ability to make a streak on the carpet with my butt….it was like what the kids did with crayons! Hey dad….It’s a damn Picasso!
So by now, I’m sure you realize that it is damn hard to be a dog. Put yourself in my shoes for a little while. Not sure you can handle it? Check out “Spot” aka Tom in the video! Well I wouldn’t recommend that you follow in his footsteps and play dress up in a latex dog suit BUT he can give you some insights into being like the Fozzster! .
Well time to turn this blog back over to the Mike as he seems to be crying now not being able to give you some dribble of being a Fire Dad. I’m sure I’ll add some more insight into this blog in later posts. Until that time, do this clown a favor and like his Fire Dads Facebook page….If you don’t, I’ll make a smiley face on your carpet with my “crayon”.
Peace….Love….
Fozzie