I know it is going to be hard for you to believe but I have a temper. I can usually maintain a pretty good demeanor in most cases but there are certain things that can trigger the inner Hulk to appear. I do not like to admit that this happens but I figure that I am human and it is natural to get pissed. After thinking about it and actually listening to other techniques on several podcasts within the past day, I have decided that I am going to try and keep the Hulk suppressed and modify my behavior.
When I get angry, my voice goes up and I have an inner fury like no other. I looked into why parents yell in the first place and not surprisingly it is because we feel overwhelmed. The stressors outweigh our normal ability to control that anger that is boiling over. In other words, we go into the critical phase lightning quick with no safety release. To me it is important to curb this behavior because the kids look at us to be role models for them. If they see that yelling is a natural response to being angry then it should come as no surprise that they will do the same thing. Not surprisingly, I have seen this time and time again when the girls have caught onto my “tactics” for sensory overload and attempt to yell their way to a successful outcome. Some sound advice from an individual that has a lot more letters after her name than I do is that after providing safety for your children your next job to to control your emotions.
Since working in the fire service, I realize that firefighters deal with significant stressors at least on the job. Our calls are not for people feeling great that just want to have us over for coffee and a chat, we deal with the bad days these people are having. In the end, firefighters seem to have the ability to figure out how to make things better which is something I hope the public appreciates. Unfortunately, when you have a long day (training, meetings, shift work, calls all day, more meetings, more training, calls throughout the night), it can lead to a reduction in our ability to handle the daily stressors including at home.
Mia not being a happy camper
So the other day, I was already lacking in sleep but went and worked at the PD. While on patrol, I received a phone call from Mary. I could tell she was PISSED OFF. She told me that she needed to walk away from a situation that occurred at home. She then went on to say that Mia and her had an argument concerning having a piece of candy before bed. Mary told her that she could not and Mia became quite angry. What can I say she is a chip off the ole’ block (hence why I need to change my behavior). Some words were exchanged which is not too surprising but what happened next raised my stress level to a 15. She said Mia attempted to kick her. I was ready to take my squad on a high speed trek home to unleash the hounds of hell on Mia. I had Mary put me on speakerphone and I did a good job of raising my voice and pretty much required her to sign over her first child to the gypsies as part of her punishment. A wise person once told me that if it feels good to you during an angry incident, you probably should not do it. BUT I DID NOT CARE. I saw GREEN!
After I had an opportunity to calm myself, I realized that I was being an asshole…plain and simple. Did I really want Mia to think this was an appropriate response when we are dealing with anger? Did I want her to use yelling as the method on how to solve her problems? Obviously, you know the answer otherwise I would not be writing this post.
I happened to find a “fatherly” podcast known as the Dad’s Edge. I have been reading the host’s book (which I will post about later) so I figured I would listen to his podcast. What he said changed my thought process (at least for now) on how to deal with things that piss us off. First, he said that kids shut us off after about 3-4 seconds of being yelled at. After that, it is kind of like the Peanuts cartoons where all you hear is “Wa Wa Wa Wa Wa”.
Obviously, this does not lead to such an optimal result. He said instead of yelling and screaming and giving direct orders, we need to create more space and ask more questions so we can bring them into the conversation. Normally, we take the easy way out and start yelling but we should be doing something like this example (dirty room):
“Hey Mia, I notice that your room looks a little cluttered, what do you think? Does it look cluttered to you?” – Response Yes it does. – “Well what do you see?” – Child responds about what they see as being wrong – “Yes I agree with you and I see all those things. Which one of those things would you like to take care of first?”
At this point you bring the child into the conversation. It gives them the ability to choose what is going to be done first. This will most likely get them to do things without a fight because of this choice. Additionally, this new approach will hopefully help me suppress in my inner Hulk from again showing up.
In conclusion, I already stated that I felt pretty shitty that I had lost my marbles with Mia over the phone. I felt I needed to “fix” this like I do other people’s lives at the firehouse. Needless to say, I got home about 0030 and everyone was sleeping. I immediately went upstairs (like I always do when I work the PD), gave her a kiss on the head and told her that I loved her. To my surprise, she reached up put her arms around me and told me that she loved me too. I told her that we would talk in the morning about what happened earlier. She said, “Okay daddy, goodnight – I love you”. Talk about one of those melting moments. UGH – I really do love being a dad.
In the morning, she came into our bedroom. I told her that we needed to have a talk. With calmer minds, we went to her bedroom and closed the door. I told her that it really hurt me what she had done to Mary. I asked her if she would have done the same to me and she replied “No”. I asked if she would have done it to her teacher, she replied “No”. I told her that she could not do that to her mommy either because it really hurt me deeply and made me look bad with Mary. I told her that I sometimes get angry with mommy and I have said some bad/hurtful things as well but we cannot do it anymore. I told her that I was going to try and get better about it so that should would not “mimic” my bad behavior anymore. I asked her if she could do the same and she said “Yes”. We then talked about a fair punishment because selling her off to gypsies was not an option. We agreed that she would lose ten stars (our way of rewarding good behavior), she would not get any special treats for a week and that I would take away her Valentine’s Day candy for a week. She agreed it was fair. We hugged and that ended it.
I’m going to be perfectly honest, it was MUCH better on me that we did it that way then what occurred the night prior. I felt good and I think she felt good that she had been heard as well. She knew there would be a punishment and we worked on it together to find a common middle ground. I am proud to say that I am trying to make things just a little more comfortable at home…and now I found a way to improve myself!