Okay…First I would like to apologize to everyone that does not have this issue within their fire station. That being said, I think that this problem touches all of our lives on the 24 hours in which we work. The issue has been a constant issue that plagues my fire department in virtually every station that I have been. It’s the issue of a shedding of the man fro aka Man Pubes!
I’m not sure if many of you pay attention but throughout the day, I need to use the restroom. As such, I still maintain my dignity (even with three girls at home) of using a urinal. The calling comes on strong (sometimes at the last minute or while I am sleeping) that draws me to our bathroom. I quickly unzip the fly ensuring that I ensure the safety of the franks and beans. Much easier to do so now than when I went commando. Thanks to the boxer-briefs! TMI? Well as Maui from Moana says…”You’re Welcome!”
Man Pubes Proof – Look Closely
The target is pretty sizable so I am not too worried about hitting my target. I have the perfect thought rolling through my mind…”I think I can…I think I can”. As the tank is being drained, I take a look down and my eyes are viciously attacked by what first appears to be multicolored tapeworms. They are not moving and I quickly rub my eyes (with my shoulder of course) to find that they are the scourge of the fire department bathroom….Man Pubes!
Is it just me or has everyone seen these little beasts. The come in all shades and lengths. Some have some extensive curling while others are very dense little beasts. How did they get there? I look down at my man fro to find that it would be impossible for them to be mine. I just recently manscaped the man fro. There is nothing on the lip of the urinal that is short enough to be mine. How does this happen then?
Are other guys man fros like porcupine quills that start attacking the urinal as soon as the barn door is open? Are they hidden behind the fly only to attack like a spitting cobra? I am not sure as I am not donating my DNA to the urinal on the duty day. Do women enjoy the man fro when it explodes from the boxer briefs? According to an Indiana University poll, nearly 50% of women prefer men to be fully shaven or partially shaven. The man fro just gets in the way amongst other places:(~~
So I decided to assist all of you naysayers and introduce you to manscaping safely. I am not a proponent of self mutilation so there are seven steps to ensure you do this process safely:
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- Use Your Tools Once for a Certain Area…and Then Clean Them. All of us in the fire service are aware we need to clean our equipment when we use it on a patient. The same thing holds true with our manscaping equipment. Due to bacteria that likes to live in the nether regions, after using it for one area, you should clean your equipment before moving elsewhere.
- Start with Small Strides – There is no reason to shock your system or the one you love. If you have a luxurious man bush, you can start by cutting off the ends. If you are questioned about it, tell them I told you that you can develop split ends! This will get you in the right mood to make it a habit. Think of your 90’s mullet that needed to slowly be stripped away (unless you still have one and to that I say maybe it will come back soon). Slowly take it down to a level where it will not attack your work urinal.
- Take a Hot Shower and Lubricate – I do not see this as being a problem for most. Most enjoy the hot shower and this will help draw out oils and dirt from the areas in question. Next, you need to lubricate the area if you are going to a clean look.
- Shave in the Right Direction – When shaving our faces (if you are so bold), we all know that we need to shave in the direction of the hair follicle. If you fail to do this, it is at your own risk as you will be looking at a painful experience and possibly ingrown hairs.
- Use Extra Caution on Your Nutsack – If you are bold enough to making a very clean finish then you need to be careful around you baby nuggets. You might not need them anymore but failure to be careful can cause problems. How you might ask? Well, there is plenty of bacteria down there that can lead to some nasty stuff happening to your friends (see article here for more information).
- Tend to Those Wounds – We all know about the potential for a painful outcome with our man privates.
That being said, if you injure the area, you need to fix it. A study shows that manscaping leads to many trips to ERs because people do not heed to advice to be careful. If you have a minor cut/nick, clean it and then use direct pressure on it. Lowest senior EMT-B would be happy to help you with this if you decide to call 911:). If the bleeding does not stop after 15 minutes, it is time to get to the ED as you might have really caused some damage.
- Moisturize it – Yes…You guessed it. Just like to you need to add in Armor All to properly finish your car cleaning, there is a final step of moisturizer for your properly manscaped area. Use one that uses Aloe or Camphor as this will produce the best case scenario if your man bush becomes itchy. No one likes you standing around the kitchen during lunch or dinner playing with yourself.
Well guys, I think you can accomplish the manscaping of your dreams if you follow the tips above and you won’t be making any more deposits on your urinal. If women can Vajazzle , we can certainly Cockazzle (no link as there is no such thing as far as I know). Hell, get downright creative and let me know below what is the best design you have ever made.