Take a journey with me into the evenings at my humble abode. Feel the pain as I tell this tale of woe from the standpoint of the victim. As the only male that does not bark in this house, I suffer at the hands of women that have overtaken my sanctuary. In the early years, (about 7 years ago….well really never), I used to rule the roost. What I said was law and there were no people to question my authority. I could walk around in my underwear, eat Cheetos, and watch Boy Band videos without interruption and into the late evening (yeah get the visual). All of my simplicity, all of my individuality, all of my masculinity has all but been decimated by the ladies that now have taken over.
Cuddle Time Again?
It appears that I failed to read the contract and the marriage license that I signed which had a few requirements. While some of these requirements have had an effect on life in my quiet home, none has been as sinister as the Cuddle Clause. This one particular item seems to be relentlessly put in my face at every opportunity. There has never been a day that passed that this clause has not been shoved in my face. More importantly, this clause has evolved into something that most people would not be subjected to….I am literally a POC (Prisoner of Cuddle) in my own home. Feel my pain people!
It all started with Mary. It was innocent enough. We would watch a movie, and I would put an arm around her. Voila….Cuddling clause complete. If the story only ended there….I would not have to tell this tale. It has now morphed into something more evil….more sinister…..more unmentionable. I need other to understand and put themselves into my shoes. What was formally just my arm around her turned into her moving in closer and leaning on me. I was okay with this. I looked at the benefits. Extra body heat kept me warmer and I was good with that. Give them an inch and they take a mile.
Next thing I know, it was not only her warmth that I had to contend with. She started using me as her personal body pillow. First, it was her head. I’m thinking okay I’m good with that. Obviously she felt there was some unseen green light. The next thing I know, she throws a leg over me. I’m like WTF. I go ahead and move her leg off of me because I start losing sensation in my legs. Was I in the right? Obviously not! She gets offended and relates that I used to let her do this without complaint. I think this some sort of female psychological warfare that was developed by either the Skunkworks or the CIA. I started to believe that I did allow her to do this in the past. Another inch was gained.
I should have guessed the cuddling would transform into more. Well, it has evolved again…kinda like the movie Alien. Now she has moved on to laying on top of me. Here is the usual scenario:
(In a Woman’s Voice) “Hey Mike, I have a great idea. Why don’t we watch a movie? I have one in mind.
(In a Studly Man’s Voice) “Sure”
(In a Woman’s Voice) “Great….Let’s Cuddle”
(In my Head) “Oh Shit…..what did I just agree to”
I guess it would not be so bad if we actually watched the movie….or should I say that SHE would watch the movie. As it normally turns out (97% of the time), she falls asleep and I’m her personally body pillow. My arm goes numb…..she snores…..I can’t get comfortable and that is just in the first 5 minutes. To my surprise she just picked out the two and a half hour movie with extra footage.
The 3rd Minion – Bella
If this was not bad enough, she has obviously passed this trait on through some sort of training or by genetics. All three girls now have figured out that they have some sort of power of suggestion when they say the word ‘cuddle’. How could this happen? I think Mary had me somehow hypnotized where I just lose all ability to move when the word cuddle comes out. For one of my birthdays, she did take me downtown to a magician, it probably happened there. Now when Mia says cuddle….my body turns to mush (eyes still can see and I can hear). She then pulls my arm around her like a blanket. Thankfully the paralysis is temporary as I can eventually move again. Then Mary’s next minon says cuddle and boom…..I fall back into paralysis mode.
Currently with the CITs (Cuddlers in Training), it is only to the point where they lean into me. What is different is now that I am cuddling with three instead of 2. Yeah you figure this out. One under my left arm, one under my right and the third lays on top of me. Oh wait…It gets better! They have obviously been reading the Mary’s book “5 Simple Tools to Commit Heinous Cuddle Crimes Against Fire Dads”. Now I have them throwing a leg over me while they cuddle. The CITs have learned quickly and well as now I have become body pillows for four women in my once quiet non-cuddle kingdom.
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