I am not sure what has happened the last couple days but my kids have been driving me NUTS! I’m not sure if it was the recent full moon or some polar ice shift or some other wacky shit but they have been a bunch of whiners about EVERYTHING. At first, I thought it was just me but Mary has said there something has changed….and not for the better. While there are a variety of ways that I could have responded to their behavior…including some of these ideas that have danced in my head from time to time:
Sell them to a bunch of carnies the next time the carnival comes to town and see them grow up being the best Tilt a Whirl operator the world has ever seen.
Hang them by their feet using a bungy cord out on the playground beat them like a birthday pinata…why a bungy cord because is it makes it more challenging.
Put them on a Virgin Galactic rocket ship with a one way ticket to Jupiter
Unfortunately, while these ideas on the surface have probably crossed many parent’s minds’ from time to time, society always wants to rain on my parade and plans. Well I had enough of the kids behavior and decided it was time to cement it in their minds once and for all – I am the King of the Castle!
I sat for at least 10 to 15 seconds pondering the best way to make my kids understand who the “King” is in this household. As I sat and thought about it…I always would fall back on my experiences with the other kids over at Zion. Now when I walk in there, I am known as Michael Jackson the KING OF POP. Better yet….I feel the role. Let’s be honest though, my meteoric rise to fame did not happen over night. I methodically planned on how I would transform into Michael Jackson. What really had the impact was when I wore my Michael Jackson t-shirt for the very first time. It was magical.
Right before taking the girls to school…I put it on. Immediately, my shitty dance moves that probably would have been worse then Elaine Benes from Seinfeld to shame now could have me win Dancing with the Stars.
As I made the transformation, I felt it very hard not to grab my crotch and go “HE HE” like the legend did himself. I stole one of the girls white gloves from their Cinderella costume and taped some cheap rhinestones to it. Luckily, I could not find a fedora at the Goodwill store because that would have made me complete…well that and about 8 more inches of curly hair that I do not have. As I drove to Zion, I realized that t-shirt was the key…my gateway to ultimate transformation.
To that end, I knew what I needed to do. I needed a new t-shirt to show my kids who was the King of the house! But what should I put on it? Should I put a saying on it? A picture of of Burger King? A mixture of both? No no…I wanted this to be simple. I need the perfect words on it that will go ahead and cement this in my kids minds. TICK TOCK TICK TOCK DING! I got it! I am going to make is perfectly clear with a very simple word that all the kids can read. So out I went to search on the Wish.com website…and yes I am happy to say that I am one of the 10000 people in the world (at least that is what the website says) who is a proud owner of a black t-shirt that says “King” on it.
Don’t worry world, I do not expect you to bow down and kiss my pinky ring as I walk into a room (although that would be cool and I would never stop you from doing it), this is only to be recognized in my kingdom at home….a place where I will no longer be shit upon…..A place where children will always love and respect me….a place where I can do no wrong. Ok, let’s face it, most likely is not going to happen but damn it…I can at least have a fantasy in my own head! I will wear it proudly as I strut around my kingdom…possibly just in my tighty whities eating Cheetos (get that picture out of yoru head now LOL). Either way…It is good to be King!
If you do not want me showing up in my King shirt…and not much more….I suggest you like Fire Dads Facebook page. Ah hell, I’ll make this even more of a challenge. If I can get 15 new likes on the Fire Dads Facebook page, I will post a picture in my new T-shirt! How is that for lucky???? Thanks for your love and support…Your King Adores You!