Sometimes we look at our kids and think…where the hell did they learn that behavior. When the kids do something that is questionable, I just say “Yeah, Mary taught them that. I don’t know what is wrong with her….She probably grew up on a farm or was raised by herd of wildebeests.” Well that was until I did some self reflection on what types of things that I do that are gross. My belief now is that my kids are a chip off the old block! Before you judge my grossness…I suggest that you look to see if you might be just as gross.
Leaving Logs in the Toilet. Hey, I’m not proud. Its very rare that I get the opportunity to poop in peace anymore. I think a new sign was put on the door of the bathroom that has the exact time that I’m going to be in the bathroom. At this point, it becomes a conference room for three girls that not only ask me how to solve the worlds problems but also for them to tell me how much I smell. My response….Don’t come in while I am trying to relax. Well because it takes all my brain power to solve their limitless questions…sometimes…well I just forget to flush. All I can say is that at least I close the lid so Fozzie does not get to have my leftovers.
Farting. Not sure about you and your family but I find it damn funny when someone toots. I think this stems back to my years working in a retirement home where the old people had no shame letting them RIP! Middle of a conversation….walking down the hallway….at the ice cream social….It didn’t matter, they would let them rip. The even funnier thing is they never missed a beat. They could hold a conversation full while slamming how a 20 second air biscuit. That is world class! So in memory of some of these fine people AND the fact that I’m now a protected class (at least for age discrimination), I plan on working and honing my craft so that I am prepared to take the reigns when I get older. All I’m going to say is you better stay off my “six” when I start pushing around my walker.
Picking Winners. Don’t even say you do not do it. Maybe when you think that someone is not watching but YOU DO IT. I got to see full well today as I was driving my squad car. I had one man and one woman in two separate incidents. I was driving along when I looked over and see them with their fingers up their nose. It’s like they just didn’t care. I looked at them and they quickly pretending they were doing something different (guy started rubbing his nose but he knew I saw him second knuckle deep; woman started playing with her hair…probably wiping booger in for her next Tinder date). Well, I can say that I am just as guilty. I’m sure people have caught me in the act BUT sometimes you just need to clear out the caves.
I think all of these three things are pretty normal behavior. While you might not care to admit that you have left surprises for other family members, farted in front of strangers or picked a boogie once or twice, the truth is that you have. I will still love you for the way that you are. I think my kids actually think that I am pretty cool for doing these things as they have now grown into my footsteps. Nothing makes me more proud than Mia picking her nose at the dinner table….I just know that I will not have to fend off many boys if I can teach her that people like seeing that. My children are such a chip off the ole block…and I’m proud!
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OMG….My girls are full of drama. There are plenty of times that they have turned on the dramatic performances that would be worth of Academy Awards. It is fun to hit the “bullshit” button on them and the tears are turned off just as quickly as they all started. Out of the three of the girls, there is one that takes the cake for personal bests when it comes to turning up the drama. She is only 5 but Milana is a Drama Rockstar!
The most recent “performance” occurred at the doctor’s office. Milana was in need of her kindergarten check up. Prior to going, we (Me and Mary) knew that she was in need of four (4) shots. Let’s just say there is no way in HELL that I was going to listen to her whine and get her anxiety level up. How did I know this was not going to go well with shots? Well first, I hated shots and I also was the middle child. When the “S” word came out of the doctor’s mouth, I would turn into the Incredible Hulk. It would take the entire office staff to hold me down enough stick me with one needle let alone 4. Second, Milana had to “donate” some blood last week as well. She was not happy with the needle going in but got through it….BUT…after an hour of being home, she began to cry saying how much the site hurt. It was all about turning on the waterworks to try and get sympathy.
Turning back to Milana’s exam. She was in good spirits at first. She was singing and laughing when the doctor was not there. She was a little quiet when the doctor came in. We continued to talk about vaccinations with Milana saying that she needed them. We made it to the end of the exam when the doctor said, “Well, looks like you need some shots. Well the good news is that everything is condensed to two shots.” OH SHIT….the doctor said the S word not once BUT TWICE! Milana’s face dropped and she probably turned three shades of white. The drama works were in the making. We told the doctor that we were using the vaccination word instead so she did not know what was coming. I think she felt bad being the bearer of bad news so she brought in a basket of suckers. Little did they know they were gonna be Milana’s suckers! Needless to say, two thigh pokes and probably some well deserved tears and we were done with the shots. The performance was about to begin.
Let the Drama begin
Milana stood up and was walking out the door (probably as quickly as she could). She was getting her standard pick of stickers as a good will token. She then looked up at the woman that stuck her and said…”I think I’m going to puke”. Well they did not want vomit all over the office so they gave her a “barf bucket”. Guess what…No puke. They assisted her to the bathroom and the nurses quickly were putting cold water on her face and neck area. Guess what…No puke. Now the pinnacle of her performance. I was trying to walk out my little diva when one of the nurses asked if she wanted to lie down and have a popsicle. I’m like WTF. I never got this kinda support during my shots….maybe I should have not tried to rip their arms form their sockets! Needless to say, Milana got her own room….a blue raspberry popsicle AND a brand new sucker because she already licked the other one. Well, I guess it worked for her because they never had the Milana Drama Tsunami hit them before…Maybe in the future they will trust the parents and let us deal with her “puke”.
Do us a favor and have you and ALL of your friends like our Fire Dads Facebook page. I’m kind of upset because we did not get 15 new likes in the past week so I’m holding back from giving you a picture of me in my King shirt…or maybe I should take that as that you really did not want to see it…NAH that could not be it….OK….Well, like us on Facebook or else I send the puke monster Milana to unload her puke tsunami on you!
I am not sure what has happened the last couple days but my kids have been driving me NUTS! I’m not sure if it was the recent full moon or some polar ice shift or some other wacky shit but they have been a bunch of whiners about EVERYTHING. At first, I thought it was just me but Mary has said there something has changed….and not for the better. While there are a variety of ways that I could have responded to their behavior…including some of these ideas that have danced in my head from time to time:
Sell them to a bunch of carnies the next time the carnival comes to town and see them grow up being the best Tilt a Whirl operator the world has ever seen.
Hang them by their feet using a bungy cord out on the playground beat them like a birthday pinata…why a bungy cord because is it makes it more challenging.
Put them on a Virgin Galactic rocket ship with a one way ticket to Jupiter
Unfortunately, while these ideas on the surface have probably crossed many parent’s minds’ from time to time, society always wants to rain on my parade and plans. Well I had enough of the kids behavior and decided it was time to cement it in their minds once and for all – I am the King of the Castle!
I sat for at least 10 to 15 seconds pondering the best way to make my kids understand who the “King” is in this household. As I sat and thought about it…I always would fall back on my experiences with the other kids over at Zion. Now when I walk in there, I am known as Michael Jackson the KING OF POP. Better yet….I feel the role. Let’s be honest though, my meteoric rise to fame did not happen over night. I methodically planned on how I would transform into Michael Jackson. What really had the impact was when I wore my Michael Jackson t-shirt for the very first time. It was magical.
Right before taking the girls to school…I put it on. Immediately, my shitty dance moves that probably would have been worse then Elaine Benes from Seinfeld to shame now could have me win Dancing with the Stars.
As I made the transformation, I felt it very hard not to grab my crotch and go “HE HE” like the legend did himself. I stole one of the girls white gloves from their Cinderella costume and taped some cheap rhinestones to it. Luckily, I could not find a fedora at the Goodwill store because that would have made me complete…well that and about 8 more inches of curly hair that I do not have. As I drove to Zion, I realized that t-shirt was the key…my gateway to ultimate transformation.
To that end, I knew what I needed to do. I needed a new t-shirt to show my kids who was the King of the house! But what should I put on it? Should I put a saying on it? A picture of of Burger King? A mixture of both? No no…I wanted this to be simple. I need the perfect words on it that will go ahead and cement this in my kids minds. TICK TOCK TICK TOCK DING! I got it! I am going to make is perfectly clear with a very simple word that all the kids can read. So out I went to search on the Wish.com website…and yes I am happy to say that I am one of the 10000 people in the world (at least that is what the website says) who is a proud owner of a black t-shirt that says “King” on it.
Don’t worry world, I do not expect you to bow down and kiss my pinky ring as I walk into a room (although that would be cool and I would never stop you from doing it), this is only to be recognized in my kingdom at home….a place where I will no longer be shit upon…..A place where children will always love and respect me….a place where I can do no wrong. Ok, let’s face it, most likely is not going to happen but damn it…I can at least have a fantasy in my own head! I will wear it proudly as I strut around my kingdom…possibly just in my tighty whities eating Cheetos (get that picture out of yoru head now LOL). Either way…It is good to be King!
So should I expect the girls to be the next contestants on Shark Tank? Will they soon be in front of the likes of Barbara Corcoran, Lori Greiner, Sara Blakely, or Bethanny Frankel? Well maybe I am shooting for the stars too early but what I saw and heard about over the last two days made me very proud.
So I get a call from Mary about the kids. She said that they “set up shop” at the end of the driveway. I did not think too much about it at first because I figured they set up a lemonade stand which is pretty normal for kids to do. Well that went out the window with the “shop” that was setup at the end of the Chalet driveway.
First, let’s talk about what precipitated the whole idea. I figured Mary had her hand in the setup. She said that she was sleeping and awoke to them at the blocking the end of our driveway. She said she had no idea that they were going to do it nor did they ask for ideas on what would be a good business to start in the neighborhood.
The next interesting part was the table that was used to sell their “wares”. They did not have a table or chairs. They were going all out ghetto with their plan. I had a box that I was going to put in the recycling bin. It was a fairly large box so it could accommodate all the girls. For chairs, they used their baby carriages and they locked the wheels so they did not roll into the street. On top of the box, they had their Easter baskets which held all of the items for sale. Last but not least, one of them was standing up waving their arms around and trying to attract passer bys. They reminded me of a Venus Fly Trap….Just waiting for their next victim to land and BAM….You spend money!
So what did they have to offer? Were they offering items that people would be lining up for? Wait! Are they just finding random items in the house and selling it at their fire sale? Would the Subaru be put on the selling block for $1? They all think that a couple of dollars is all you need to have to live on. The Subaru would definitely fetch a $5 in their books! Thankfully, they only used things that they had in their rooms. First, they had their leftover Easter candy. Each piece was individually wrapped “with care” and was fetching a price of $.20 per piece. I wish I had that kind of markup. Other things included a tornado guide that I had received during one of my training classes. I gave it to Mia because “she needed” it. Well…it too was on the selling block for $0.20!
Thankfully, we have some great neighbors that purchased items at the shop. The girls made a couple of dollars and were tickled pink. These purchases also led to them going out the next day. Unfortunately, they ran out of customers but that did not stop them from thinking outside the box. They came up to me and asked if they could go door to door with their “stuff” and sell it to their friends? Knowing I did not need the entire neighborhood coming to my house with pitchforks and torches, I decided to tell them “NO!”. Well, they did not upset them too much. They decided to take a break from the sales “frenzy” and play a game of beach volleyball.
Today did not turn out as good as Sunday but it did show me that the girls have the entreprenuerial spirit. I hope they continue in their efforts of starting their own enterprises. I fear what might be next but I also am looking forward to seeing what they come up with as I’m sure it won’t be conventional. These are the things that make a Fire Dad proud of their kids when they show no fear in all of their endeavors!
Nothing is more satisfying as a parent than seeing your kids working together toward a common goal. It seems like every day, the girls can fight like a bunch of savages over some of the DUMBEST things! They will fight about who should cuddle with me. They will fight about what song needs to be played. They will even fight about what order that I carry them to bed. I call this normal behavior.
When those special moments occur and the girls move in the same direction, it is SIMPLY AMAZING. There are certain “milestones” that every parent looks forward too…..One of the most recent with the girls was Milana learning how to ride a bike without training wheels. Mia has been riding her bike without training wheels for a couple years and Milana was looking to do the same. I took her wheels off at the end of last year but she never seemed to get the hang of it. I was not going to push it and I was proud when she said she wanted her training wheels off. Bella was not really a bike rider last year. She did not seem to get the idea of pedaling which frustrated her. She just wanted to be pulled around in the wagon.
The weather has not cooperated with us so we could get the bikes out and the girls working on their riding skills. Well, the girls decided that they were going to take the bull by the horns and get started. What pushed me to get the bikes down was the fact that each of the girls “bought” horns and bells for their bikes. I took them all down this past weekend for them and got all their attachments. These items inspired them into getting back on the road.
So….Mary wakes me up about 7am and tells me to look out the window. To my delight, I see the girls (with winter jackets) on trying to ride bikes. My biggest delight was seeing Mia helping both the girls with riding bikes. For Milana, she was pushing her to get moving forward so Milana could ride on her own. For Bella, Mia would push her enough where the pedals would be in a position to let Bella ride her bike. Mia did not just do this once. She continued to run from Milana and then to Bella to keep them moving forward. For once…in a blue moon….there was no arguing….there was no complaining…..there was no competition. There were three sisters working together to be able to enjoy riding their bikes together.
Just about this time, Mary said that Mia was in need of an upgrade of her bike. She was still riding her 16″ bike that she has had for several years. Not surprisingly, she has grown like a weed and even at the highest setting, she looked awkward riding her bike. Due to her selfless behavior toward her sisters, we decided to look around for a bike for her. Let’s just say Mia is now riding a 20″ bike that has multiple gears on it. She loves her new ride but I could not be more proud of the three girls for working together as a team towards a common goal!
Sometimes I find myself laughing about the weird and different things that the kids do. Interestingly, I think many of the people that do not have kids fail to “enjoy” or understand what parents have to deal with. I have decided to do a “top five things that things only parents would understand”.
Kids Desire to Be the Next Picasso – First, one my biggest “joys” is when I become the human version of a magic eraser. It seems like there is nothing sacred inside our house when it comes to a possible “canvas” for the girls. It started out so simple. We have textured walls in the basement. This also used to be my man cave BUT kids definitely can wreak havoc on that idea. The basement now has become the kids play land…or better yet the room that looks like a nuclear warhead went off in. Along with the toys, the girls store all their art supplies. One day the kids were playing down there. Later that day, I found white chalk “tick marks” like they are counting their days in prison. Thankfully, it was an easy one to clean up. That did not remain the case for some of the other artistic expressions. Mia decided one day that Milana would be her canvas….so she she drew on her with crayons. Thankfully, a little bit of scrubbing in the bathtub and Milana’s “tattoos” came off. The two that were the hardest to remove had one created by Mia and the other by Bella. Mia decided that crayons on carpet (dark blues and purples) was a good ideas. Let’s just say it took a ton of scrubbing and OxyClean to get the marks removed. Bella did not want to upstaged by Mia so got to work. She decided to go into my office with a pencil and “etch” some drawings on my way. This graffiti was done so “well” that it still exists to this day. The only way to get rid of this art is to paint the office which I refuse to do! Thanks Bella for the art!
Breaks Don’t Exist – I think sometimes that kids were put on this earth to challenge their parents on a daily basis. I think there must be a secret school somewhere in my house where they have all sit for hours honing their skills. They continue to up their game to ensure that breaks do not exist.
Mommy: Ok Bella….We all know that you like to go potty during dinner. Why don’t you go now so we are not interrupted.
Bella: No. I don’t have to go.
Mommy: Okay well you are not going while we are eating.
[Food is placed on the table and everyone takes their first bite]
Bella: I have to go potty.
Mommy: [In her head…or so she thinks] Damn it Bella….then go potty.
[Two minutes later….oh and after a couple more bites of food]
Bella: I HAVE POO POO!
Mommy: [Face turns 3 shades of red as she goes to wipe one more little ass]
Kids Do Not Need Toys – I like many of you was crushed when I saw that Toys R Us was shutting down. That store contained so many memories for me as it was a wonderland for kids to find virtually any toy. I was fortunate to have plenty of toys to enjoy as I grew up. Keeping that in mind, I think it is important for the kids to also have toys that they can enjoy. That being said, I have been shocked by the “toys” that consistently come out on top for the girls. You probably could say that I “spoil” the girls with these toys on a frequent basis and in many different shapes and sizes. What are they? BOXES from Amazon. These boxes seem to bring so much joy and happiness…and the girls FIGHT over who gets to use the box. When the fights erupt, the one thing that can calm the troops is the other “gift” that shows up inside the boxes….The Air Packets inside to cushion the actual item. They will then fight over how many of the packets each of them gets….Let the fights continue because Daddy is gonna buy a skid load of different sizes “presents” for all of you…and I’ll only spend about $25!
Parents Appreciate Sleep – All of you non-parents just don’t understand this. Sleep in til 9am? NOT! Wanna get a nap in? NOT! As parents, we are the personal servants of our kids. Oh your sick, Mommy? Suck it! I need to be fed. I need you to wipe my dirty little butt. “Daddy….Entertain me!”. Oh you had a rough night on your ambulance? Suck it! A little hung over from the Xmas party? Hehehe….You better suck it up buttercup! Kids do not see any of these as their problems. You will get up at the crack ass of dawn and keep that engine running until they end up going back to sleep. The only exception here is to purchase a blow gun with tranquilizer darts. Just make sure you have good aim!
Parents Appreciate What It Means to Be a Broken Record –
Daddy: Girls we need to get our shoes and jackets on so we can get to school.
[Collective Response – NONE!]
Daddy: Girls we REALLY need to get our shoes and jackets on so we can get to school.
[Collective Response – Walk about 2 feet – look around – Pretend like Daddy just said NOTHING – Continue on doing whatever you want]
Daddy: GIRLS GET YOUR SHOES AND JACKETS ON NOW!
[Collective Response – Gaze at me with a look that says – “Are you really serious?”]
Daddy: [Walk out of the house toward the car shaking my head]
[Collective Thought of Girls – “That’s Right Bitch…We Own You!”
All parents can understand these five things on some level. All non-parents do not get to “enjoy” them individually but probably can relate or heard stories from friends that are parents! Let me know below your ideas of what else should have made the list…Oh and while you are thinking about it…Why don’t you like the Fire Dads Facebook page before I send Diablo Bella to come with her colored pencils to your home!
Yes yes yes. I know I spelled dumber wrong but that is how I am starting to feel when the kids come home from school. Mia comes home with homework every day from her first grade class. While I am impressed with how well she is advancing, I am seeing that not only does she have homework but so do I! I thought I had left this all behind after I graduated from college.
I now have on average about an hour of homework that needs to be done everyday. Oh gee, can I please do YOUR homework? Who would have thought you would have homework in 1st Grade? Mrs. Tazzioli was a saint in my eyes because I never had to take work home. I had no math. I had no reading and I certainly did not have spelling!
Now here is where things get ugly. I thought I could single handedly change how Mia was doing her homework. I first decided to focus on her math problems. This stuff is easy I would tell her. The math you are doing has an answer. , 14-5=9 and 12+12=24 right? MMMM….Not anymore it doesn’t! She tells me that you need to show how that it works. Oh shit. That is easy. Take the first number put it on top and cross a few numbers and take this one away from over her and WHAM your answer. OH NO…Not so easy. Now everything is these damn number boxes or lines. So with 12+12 is now 10+2+10+2 which then equals 20+4 which then equals 24. That to me seems like a shit ton of work. Not a problem because I can adapt. Well let’s just say that I did not adapt enough. It turns out that I was giving bad instruction on some of her homework. EEEEKKKKK…Well that could not be, I have been through advanced Calculus and Physics….Ah well, I gave in and asked that Mrs. Wisted send home Mia’s math workbook every day so I can “learn” math…It just never ends.
Then comes reading. Oh joy. It only seems like yesterday that I was reading books to her. Now she reads the books for me in the first grade. When I was in first grade, I read novels like “Tad (dog) sees Jill” and “Jill hears Fred”. I have to say that I am impressed with how far she has gotten in her first two years at Reilly. Mrs. Wisted does a great job with the kids and rewards them when they achieve goals. Mia tells me about all the things that she gets….I’m jealous because I want some of those things (candy, stuffed animals, etc.). It reminds me of some of the stuff that you get from Chuckie Cheese but these little trinkets sure get her motivated to read the books from her class, as well as, extra books called AR (I think Advanced Reading). She now reads 1-2 books per day at home and her vocabulary is increasing so quickly.
Ah and then there is spelling. I think in 1st grade I was tackling the very difficult words like dog, cat, rat, frog. Oh there is no messing around in spelling either. While there are some easy words (by, ), Mrs. Wisted goes all gangster on Mia’s spelling words with things like Incubator, Oviparous and Embryology. Yeah, now I’m feeling really dumb. 1st grade and she knows these words? While I went ahead and looked them up, I definitely did not know how to spell them or know their meaning before the sheet came home! So how did she do on her spelling words?? She got 100% which translates into 3 pieces of candy. She definitely puts in the hard work to get those scores but it impresses me with how she gets the words that this Fire Dad was lost on.
While I am not against the kids getting homework, I fear the day when all three have homework together. If we factor in an hour for each girl, I will be doing late night study sessions with them. We will all be sitting around drinking Jolt Cola, taking No Doze and listening to Gangster Rap until midnight!
So I have been putting some heavy thought into whether or not I’m a violator. For the past six…almost 7 years, I have been provided 3 square meals per day, several snacks, unlimited water and a roof of heads for three little girls. I’ve never spent more than 24 hours in prison but damn it that sounds like a pretty good life. This was without having the “Triad of Doom” do any more physical labor other than cleaning their room. So today was the day. It was time to put the little “darlings” to work.
Kid Jail!
So being a big fan of Sheriff Joe Arpaio from Arizona, I needed to find a way for the girls to “pay their way” and their ever increasing debts with Daddy. I could do what I planned and keep them in cages (let Fozzie sleep on their beds) but I figured someone would turn me in. Society seems to frown on children being locked in cages these days. How about putting leg shackles on them and then have them walk up and down I-90 picking up garbage in their little orange jump suits. I’m guessing someone would complain as this is too dangerous for children. I could have them at a busy intersection supporting a “fake charity” along with a box of Tootsie Rolls collecting money….Ah the cops seem to frown on this. Too many ideas were dancing around in my head.
I finally decided that yard work was the ticket. We were in need for a good spring clean up! Interestingly enough…..the first question they asked was how much money were they going to get paid. I thought a roof and 3 squares a day would be sufficient but they strong armed me into paying them money. What they didn’t know is that this Fire Dad is a very skilled negotiator and that I never agreed to a “wage”. While I know I could not work them for 40 hours without having a representative from the Illinois Department of Labor showing up, I figured I could get a good hour out of them without issue. We immediately got to work.
What I have learned is that each of them wants to do what the other is doing. That in mind, I had purchased three rakes. I was thinking I was ahead of the game at this point. I pulled the wheelbarrow to make their work easier. I stood by cracking my whip in the air with a maniacal laugh. “Get the work you little monsters”, I said. “Do it now or there will be no dinner”. (I really didn’t say this but was definitely thinking it). While they filled the first wheelbarrow, I lit the fire pit. By the time it was done and over, we had filled out 20-30 full loads that were dumped into the pit. It made one hell of a fire. By the time we dumped the final load it was starting to get dark. What was surprising was that they worked well as a team. I gave them a goal of what I wanted accomplished and they NAILED IT. While there was a couple of arguments during the process, it actually went quite well.
I thought I was safe but the little entrepreneurs would not let it go…..they wanted their wages. I’ve seen that look before. Had I not immediately came up with a fair wage, there would have been a public beating of this Fire Dad. Fearful for my life, I quickly asked them what they wanted. Mia’s response, “100”. Mary said that she was not getting 100. Mia started crying. I said, “Honey, I can give you 100 pennies”. She stopped crying and said that is what she wanted. Mia had done some extra work prior to the leaves so she got $1.50….Milana and Bella each received $1.00 each…for about 1 hour worth of work. That’s what I am talking about!
What do you think? Was this too early for some money for some work? Should there be an allowance? At what age is it appropriate? Let me know below what you have done because I am still wondering what might be best for the girls in the future.
I do not think it comes as a surprise that I enjoy being around the girls. As the girls were born, I thought of the day that they would be the best of friends. The day that there would be harmony in the house. The day that there would be laughter and good conversation in all four corners of the house. WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING?
Maybe I had false hopes and dreams since me and my older brother argued quite a bit….but girls….are they not better? Um NOPE! That dumb ass poem of What Girls are Made of:
Sugar and spice
and everything nice
that’s what little girls are made of
Sunshine and rainbows
and ribbons for hair bows
that’s what little girls are made of
Tea parties, laces
and baby doll faces
that’s what little girls are made of
I think someone was hitting the crack pipe or never saw how these girls act! What drives me nuttier than a jay bird is that they have pulled the wool over so many people’s eyes. “Oh my goodness, I’d take Milana right now”; “Oh Bella is so sweet”; “Mia is such a well behaved girl”. Are you kidding me? What do I need to do to get people to realize that I think I need to call in some heavy hitters to conduct the next exorcism. The only reason I have not done it yet is that I do not do well around green vomit…..well vomit in general; color will most likely not make a difference. As I told my good CPR Ninjas from Zion….I’m a sympathetic “vomitter”. If you barf on me…It’s a natural reaction (and maybe revenge) that I’m gonna hork all over you. It might not be green but damn it I’ll go projectile on you!
ANYWHO…I digress. Getting back to these “wonderful little angels”. So what do we argue about in the Chalet? Oh I don’t know…..
“Daddy, Mia took the last orange”
“Daddy, Milana is looking at me….and I don’t like it”
“Daddy, Bella is copying me”
All three in Unison, “I don’t want to watch [insert movie]”. NO ONE CAN AGREE HERE.
Did I do this to my parents when I was a kid? I do not remember being this micro with my complaints about my brother. Was he a pain in the ass at times….well yes but I’m sure I was not a peach all the time (only 99% – Ask Mary she’ll confirm this :)~~~
What have I tried to fix the behavior? We have done the time out thing….Um fail. We have taken things away. That works for about 2 mins and then they forget about it. Take away special treats….again they forget about it. The one that I like the most is that they have to do a time out followed by giving the other “offender” a hug and tell them why they love them. Boy does that piss them off but it sure gives the parents a giggle or two.
So I read an article that says that you need to write down the rules and have the kids agree to them ahead of time (instead of wanting to just ship them off to the gypsies). This woman that wrote the article says that by doing this all problems have ceased. I’m not buying it….or maybe my girls are just aliens that don’t comply with normal behavior.
Here are the rules from her:
In a conflict, no hurting (hitting, kicking, pinching, spitting) is ever allowed. If this happens, the consequence is no screen time for a week.
No name-calling or personal insults about someone’s appearance.. Consequence same as #1
If anyone is fighting over a toy, the toy gets a time out. No questions asked.
Any person who demands to be first will go last.
Whatever is borrowed must be returned. If it isn’t, the consequence is that the borrower must choose an item from their sibling’s room to replace the missing one.
Is this the Holy Grail that I have been searching for? Can the chalet become a bastion of peace, love and tranquility? Well I will try anything to try to make it more palatable on the bad days. What do you do to make things defuse in your house? Let us know below.
Oh and would you just do it already and like the Fire Dads Facebook page? Geez what do I need to do, promise that I’ll come by and do a load of laundry? I will show up in my Borat outfit….Get that one out of your head….and like us already!
I’ll dress up and do your laundry if you like our Facebook Page!
Well my dream finally has come true! I was formally nominated as a candidate for the Father of the Year 2018 by several different national magazines including, Better Homes and Gardens, Cosmopolitan, Teen Magazine and the National Enquirer. Apparently, I received 1000’s of nominations from all walks of life. It has been very humbling to find out that 1000’s of individuals went out of their way to nominate me based upon my superior parenting skills. I’m truly not sure what took so long for people to figure it out….but it finally it has happened….and then I woke up from my dream as I found Fozzie french kissing me due to my sleep apnea.
Why was I dreaming about being recognized as the Father of the Year? Well, I recently read an article about a woman that had made her child cry and she felt terrible about it. As I read further, she talked about how her daughter had come home from school and talked about a boy that every girl was “interested” in. The mother ended up letting out a laugh which in turn made her daughter feel self conscious and start to cry. I sat with my mouth open just disgusted with how this woman had been so mean to her poor innocent child. I said to myself, “What an asshole!”. I figured it was about time to hunt this woman down by her email address, call her out and start picketing her home because see was a savage…an uncaring beast!
Oh wait! I should not throw stones as I have done far worse in my career which probably will lead me to not being nominated any time soon. I look at parenting as a learning game. It appears that someone forgot to send me to parenting school while I was growing up. They forgot to give me a playbook to work off of….not even a sample plan on how to be the perfect parent. Well, let’s just say that I fail on a regular basis! Maybe you can relate to some of these things that might sooner find themselves on my grave stone versus my acceptance speech as a Father of the Year ceremony.
Father who failed to take his daughter to the doctor after complaints of pain after some somersaults in a ditch. Figured you could throw a little dirt on it and move on. 3 days and 1 X-ray later – Result – Broken Clavicle….Oh damn.
Father that failed to show up for daughter’s Center day at school (1st Day to be there) to help out a teacher. Result – One very pissed off daughter and one nice reminder email from the teacher letting me know I was an idiot.
Father that has spanked his kids. Yeah yeah I know what you are saying. This type of punishment is unwarranted….Well, I thought it was a good idea at the time and I feel horrible to this day. What I do have to say in support (weak standing) is that it seemed to work wonders with me. My father would only need to threaten a nice rosy booty and this boy started towing the line. I learned real quick that it was no lie that when I pushed a little too much that I would be in BIG TROUBLE with my dad. Needless to say, I do not condone this as being appropriate for anyone…but I did it and I’m fessing up (It’s the first step in my 12 step program for SA – Spankers Anonymous).
Father that has mocked his kids. There is HIGH drama at the Chalet on a regular basis. One child (who shall remain anonymous) is what I would classify as a drama queen. I’m thinking that she probably could get a Hollywood Star which some of her epic performances. Take her toy….Cry. Doesn’t get what she wants for dinner….Cry. Tell her no….Cry. Pretty much anything….Cry. I am not sure if it has become just her default response to negative things….but whatever. Anywho….now my response to her when she cries is that I cry back at her. Not really crying but because I am an asshole…I do a mock cry back at her. Not surprisingly, the water works turn off pretty quick and she just tells me to “stop it”….I guess it works…well kinda??
I’m sure there are plenty of people that are probably checking to see if there is currently an online petition to revoke my parenthood card. Well I guess you can go ahead try to do that….and I’d probably cry. The bottom line is that I do love my girls. They can be dramatic little monsters sometimes but that does not change that I would go to the ends of the world and back for each of them….as long as they stop the crying crap! What I will allow is for you to take away my PPC card (Perfect Parent Club Card – 4% rebate on all gas purchases, 2% on Dining and 1.25% on everything else) because I never said I was perfect, I plan to mess up being a parent on a semi-frequent basis but plan on learning from my mistakes!
During the time it takes you to read this post….you could have already liked this post and the Fire Dads Facebook page about 1000 times!!!!! What do I need to do to make you click a button???? Force you to do somersaults in my ditch?? Mock you while you cry? Pick your poison or just be a kind person and LIKE ME ALREADY!!!!
