(Translated using Google Translation – Dog to Human)
Hello Everyone,
My name is Fozzie…and I’m a dog. I’m not just any dog. I’m a Labradoodle! Yeah, 20 years ago I would have been just a “mutt” but some douche decided to come up with a “cute” name for merging my Labrador genes with a Poodle. It’s like these idiots that come up with the names for celebrity couples like Brangelina and TomKat. Hey idiots…this Labradoodle is ready to give you a quick Donkey Punch – look that one up!
I’m a pretty smart dude as I brought in the genes from my Poodle mom’s side. The blend also brings out my adorable curls that all the chicks fawn over. Oh did I mention my dreamy hazel eyes that draw people’s attention like Medusa’s hair? Just so you know, I run the roost around here and all these humans in this house know it. I pushed Mike (the bitch thinks he is the alpha in the house) off the computer and immediately using a voice translator to write this post.
Just a little bit about me. I was kidnapped at an early age from my parents and siblings. I used to live on a big farm with my brothers and sisters and now I live with a dad and four girls. Let me tell you….with the exception of the dude….there is plenty of drama in this house. One word that defines these people is “nutso” but they are still family; don’t we all have at least one in our family? While people would probably want to immediately jump into my shoes because I live the fairy tale life, let me assure you that this ain’t no cake walk.
First, these people like to interrupt my sleep regularly. Oh Fozzie, time to go potty. Oh Fozzie, time to eat. They are always doing something around me. It drives me nuts. And these kids…UGH. All they want to do is hug me if you call it a hug. They put me into positions that would make WWE superstars jealous. Alas, I’ve learned a trick to get rid of them quickly though. I wait for them to start talking and I lick the inside of the mouth and let’s just say I’ve got a LONG tongue! After a few Frenchies and the little monsters back off right ricky tick! At that point, I try to move into a “safe” area and try to turn invisible
Let Me Have Some Fun w You Dog Doctor!
Next, they want to make me less of a man. That’s right folks…they wanna cut my nuts off. I thought they would forget as it’s been over a year but these asshole dog docs went and sent a reminder email. These dog doctors say what a great idea it is because of this or that. Hey doc….if its so great to have this done….Give me a rag soaked in cloraform, a scapel and 5 minutes of your time and let me get a little creative on your body. Oh…and then the fun begins because they put this stupid ass cone on my neck so I can even lick my manhood. Try and get that image out of your head! As Maui (from Moana) would say “You’re Welcome!”
And then there’s major issue with them blocking me from my ladies. I am not talking about the PITAs that live in the house. I’m talking about Shyla and Mia (my bitches next to me). That’s right folks. I do not have just one lady to choose from….I have two. I like the variety! On my right, I have Shyla. She’s a Golden Retreiver and she is a doll. We roll play and she always wants to be the submissive. Every time we play (when those humans don’t interfere)….she rolls over and shows me her belly. After a while, I start to get bored playing the dominant dog so i turn my attention to my other love interest….Mia. She is a St. Bernard and about twice me size; I just like to call her big boned. I’m a little into the “larger” ladies so that satisfies that need as well. She throws me around and it drives me doggie wild! Unfortunately, these humans always seem to be the fun police and “beep” my collar to come inside just as I’m making my move. Let’s just say Pimpin’ ain’t Easy Folks….Especially when you have a beep collar on!
Last, we have an issue with sharing. I’m a dog and I love to share everything with them. I’m part retriever so I do what is in my genes. A couple months after I was home there was a family of rabbits living out front. You’d think these people would want me to bring them dinner. NOPE. I chase a succulent baby bunny down and bring them over only to be scolded. Hmmmm….Not sure you wanna do this humans as I can share other things. Well, let’s just say I paid them back in spades. One time when I had some “guests” over….I showed them how I could take a dump inside the house. Oh yeah….and another time I shared my unique ability to make a streak on the carpet with my butt….it was like what the kids did with crayons! Hey dad….It’s a damn Picasso!
So by now, I’m sure you realize that it is damn hard to be a dog. Put yourself in my shoes for a little while. Not sure you can handle it? Check out “Spot” aka Tom in the video! Well I wouldn’t recommend that you follow in his footsteps and play dress up in a latex dog suit BUT he can give you some insights into being like the Fozzster! .
Well time to turn this blog back over to the Mike as he seems to be crying now not being able to give you some dribble of being a Fire Dad. I’m sure I’ll add some more insight into this blog in later posts. Until that time, do this clown a favor and like his Fire Dads Facebook page….If you don’t, I’ll make a smiley face on your carpet with my “crayon”.
While this appears on the day after Easter, I really prepared it on Easter while the kids were sleeping. As I have stated in previous articles, I do not believe that kids appreciation levels is directly correlated to the amount of money that is spent. What I believe is more important is the memories that are created within the family and also with friends. That being said, we had a very busy Easter week. I wanted to continue a tradition and also make some new memories in the mean time.
Eggapooloza 2018
It all started on Thursday with our Easter Egg Hunt at the M5 Chalet (aka our house). While the actual event was on Thursday, the event took a little planning for the past couple weeks. What used to be only kids from the neighborhood (10ish), it turned into an event with 30 kids and what was to be 1000ish eggs hidden in the three backyards (what can I say…go big or go home!). Thankfully we have a good relationship with our neighbors and we got to use their yards as well to spread the eggs out. Additionally, it was much appreciated that the neighborhood pitched in with filling eggs with candy, toys, money, and other gifts (personal thank you to Callie, Sarah, Vanessa!). Also, parents came prepared with more sugar aka donuts and other tasty treats for our little voracious locusts aka children (Thanks to Renee and Tucker). Mary was a mover and shaker and got additional tasty treats and got the hot chocolates ready to go!
Eggapooloza 2018 at the M5 Chalet
I was out at 830 with the kids hiding the majority of eggs in the yard. They were interested in hiding the eggs with the money and special gifts as well but I told them that it was not fair to everyone else. I had them wait up front. We had people start showing up at 0945 and they were ready for the 10am start. We had a few people that were running late and I was not interested in making any kids unhappy so we finally started at 1015. My big oops for the event was that I missed a bag with about 400 eggs which was hidden in plain sight. I only put out 600ish eggs. This was a problem as I had it in my head that there was 1000 eggs…I was wondering why it was so quick putting the eggs out. Um DUH! I told all the kids to take 25 eggs so that there was enough for everyone plus a few left over (25×30 = 750)….Well that math does not work when you only have 600 eggs.
Kick off time was great….The kids went to work and collected every egg out there! It took about 10 mins. Like I said, the kids are like little locusts; bribe them with candy and money and they are a cleaning force! After the egg hunt, the kids finished up with sweets and hot cocoa. Even with the mess up, it was a great time and it seems like all the kids had something special.
Eggapooloza 2018 – Part Duex?
We were all ready to go to finish off the 400 eggs left over with just neighborhood children on the 31st….unfortunately, the weather was not going to cooperate so it was cancelled.
I was excited to find out that the Discovery Center in Rockford was hosting their own Easter egg hunt. This was a two-fur since Mary worked overnight and needed to get some sleep. I got to get the kids out of the house…AND make some more Easter time memories. Bella went first and surprisingly, she is a little timid when it comes to doing this type of thing. Because of the weather, they had to do it inside. They had a room where all the kids were brought in. They were placed against the wall with all the eggs in the center. The Easter Bunny made an appearance and waved to all the kids; he then got smart and got out before they all “attacked” the eggs. The countdown began…5…4…3…2…1…and boom off Bella went. She collected about 20 eggs off the floor at a quick pace only showing off her “plumber ass” a couple of times.
I think her plumber ass was a secret move to help disgust the other kids into submission. I was so proud and cheered her on the whole time. She was so excited when she came back. She unshelled her loot and was sharing tons of smiles! She got a ticket for a special prize (a fruit roll up) and she was walking like a proud little peacock bragging like she had just won the Stanley Cup. She shared with each of her sisters since their event was not until 1pm.
In the meantime, we decided to check out the Curious George exhibit which was fun for the girls and kept them busy. It was even cooler since we got to do some good photos with one being with a real Curious George. The girls kept busy until it was time for the 5-6 year olds to do their Easter Egg hunt. We lined up with the other kids. Again they marched all the kids in and had them line the walls. The countdown began…5…4…3…2…1….and off the kids went collecting eggs like a farmer with his britches on fire. In a matter of minutes all the eggs were collected and Mia and Milana checked out their loot. They both made out with plenty of candy and both got 2 special prizes. They shared their candy with Bella (only one piece though). Everyone had a great time with the Discovery Center. I gotta tip my hat to them for pulling it off and really showing a great time for all the kids!
Easter Day
I prepared the Easter baskets the night before Easter and placed them by the fireplace with care. I wrote their names on the one they were supposed to get. I filled up their extra basket with candy and Easter Eggs with money and toys. They left candy as a bribe for the Easter Bunny to make sure they got some treats. Didn’t know you needed to bribe the bunny like you do to Santa but “he” was pretty excited to wulf down a couple pieces of candy that “he” didn’t need (insert picture of a hippo with my face on it). I went to bed thinking there should be no issues. WELL….let’s just say the baskets for Mia and Bella were switched because I put the wrong “extra” basket in front…UGH. It’s okay because they didn’t fight so I guess it was a small win and they did not wake me up! After Mary got home, I figured I would get the kids out and go purchase Easter dinner so she could sleep.
Not sure what to cook we ended up at Butera to roam around. I decided on an Eggplant Parm and crab legs. Still not sure how they go together but what the hell…I’m cooking and that is what I was feeling. We got home and to work I went on the prep. It is still cooking at this point but DAMN it smells good. I’ll post the recipe below if you are looking for something that sounds great. My mouth is watering right now as I really want to start in on the food stuffs….I’ll have to let you know how it was!
Hopefully you all had a GREAT Easter and made some great memories with your families. If you didn’t, don’t worry I have plenty of them to share with you!
Oh…Please help a brother out and like the FireDads Facebook page here…Or the Easter Bunny will be dropping some special brown Easter pellets on your windshield!
I’m not an advocate for violence. I prefer to walk away when things start to get heated. I figure it is not worth the aggravation that goes along with getting into a fight (verbal or physical). I was not always this way. I was definitely game to start getting physical or verbal talking some trash. Those times had passed a while ago…or so I thought. A event that happened today kind of stoked some coals and the eyes started glowing red to the point that someone needed a certified USDA Grade A bitch slap.
The place was McDonald’s Crystal Lake. I know you are probably not going to give me the Dad of the Year award after having that for dinner. Well the kids had a sleep over and that was the only place that the kids could agree on. The reason for that one is they have a playland. I get to kill two birds with one stone: the animals all get fed and they get to burn off their energy so it’s an easy sell for bed.
This trip was different. There were plenty of kids already there. Looking around I saw a couple of small groups then a larger group of people with some VERY large people in it. To go further, this group gave the white trash population a bad name. I got to see the some really tight clothes that probably were made for people for people much smaller. I’m still amazed to this day of the “strength” of spandex. This was probably their yearly outing from eating squirrel and alligator in their house down by the water. They were definitely dressed to the nines.
They had a group of about 8-9 kids with them. The kids seemed fine at first but I noticed that they were starting to block the use of the playland area from other kids. They sat at the end of slides and wouldn’t let any other kids come down. The girls and their friend attempted to play around them but the WT kids were calling them “jerks” and spitting on them. I had all the girls come back and they were pretty upset about how the other kids were playing. It turns out that it was a group of three kids that were really the problem. Being the bigger person, Mia told the parents of the child how they were misbehaving. The response from the dad was that they should just not go by the kids. Well easier said then done as the playland is not enormous and they continued to have interaction. The girl then caused more problems as Mia tried to tell her to stop.
Then Mia came back crying to me. She told me that one of the girls (oldest about 8-9 yo) had hit her. At this point, diplomacy with idiots did not help. I’d had enough. I told Mia that she had to deal with the words. I told her she needed to stay away from the other kids. I then told her that if the girl hit her to go ahead and hit her back. Probably not the best advice but I’m not going to have Mia or any of the girls be a punching bag if the parents do not want to step in and stop bad behavior. Mia’s response surprised me. She told me “Dad that is not right. I’ll get in trouble”. I guess I was proud of her for not sinking to my level. I told her that I would back her if she chose to do it and that some people are always going to be bad people.
Well I’m sure you probably continued to read thinking that an all out fight occurred. It didn’t. Thinking more about it, I figured it would be best to leave. Some people are just going to be assholes and its probably better that a fight not happen as much as my “early Mike” wanted to kick in. We ended up leaving with Mia being very upset that people could be like that. Thankfully, a little more discussion and Mia finally calmed down and the trip home was uneventful.
Sorry about the rant….but I do not understand this lack of just being a decent human being. I’m not gonna lie….having Mia haul off and crack this little asshole would have been epic BUT it’s probably better that it didn’t happen. On to another day!
So before I get started with this one, I wanted to preface this by saying that on Wednesdays we will be doing our Have You Ever series. It is a fun way of publishing what most parents have roll through their mind at some point in their lives….or in some cases many times per day.
Did you parents ever tell you that they were going to sell you to the gypsies? I cannot tell you how many times my father told me this. Interestingly, he never followed through on his threats although I’m sure he wanted to at many points in my childhood. This led me to thinking on how to best prepare myself and the girls to make this happen should Mary ever give me the green light. Hearing the countless amounts of requests across the globe by parents wanting to sell their children to gypsies, Fire Dads has done something that no one even thought was possible. In partnership with IAG (International Association of Gypsies) and several other non-noteworthy governmental agencies, have created the FIRST AND ONLY Gypsy Training program that is guaranteed to bring the highest price for your children. This is unlike any other training program that you have put your children through. It will be taxing….It will be emotional….It will put them over the edge against all the other children that are waiting in line per their parents. Previous “clients” have seen prices double and sometimes triple for their children when they sell their children by following our patented program. I wish I could share all the testimonials…but we are weary of our competitors stealing our secret sauce.
The training program is officially known as GTX-90 – Gypsy Training Xtreme – the only patented and parent approved gypsy training program in the world. It will train you how to train your children (train the trainer program) so that you can get a premium when you pull the trigger on the sale of your child. What can you expect from our training program? Let’s find out!
Disk 1
Situational Awareness 101 – Being aware that selling children is alright especially to a band of gypsies. Also, how to see that a sale of your child is imminent.
Fortune Telling 101 – This is a basic class on what fortune telling is all about. Expect to learn the history of fortune telling from its inception to modern trickery. Learn the secrets from experts that have had people pay them countless amounts of cash for information that a monkey could have developed. Learn basic hand reading and tarot card readings.
Be the Best New Gypsy – Developing the proper mindset to being a gypsy can be difficult. This teaches parents what exactly are the “best practices” of gypsy-hood. It gets you and the children aware of what lies ahead.
Disk 2
Gypsy Dress – Learn the secrets of how to kill in in the gypsy fashion world. Learn color combinations that will make the opposite sex lose their marbles….literally. By the end of this section, you will be able to coordinate a look that would make gypsies across the globe cringe (think Princess Elsa mixed with a bag lady).
Basic Tambourine Banging – Music is certainly an important part of gypsy life. Being a nomadic group, there is a need for enjoying some beautiful music from time to time. Year ago the girls got a complete music kit which includes a tambourine. They also got a Frozen musical ensemble which included a second one. To ensure I have them all in rhythm we have regular tambourine practice in the living room for 90 minutes on M, W, F.
Crystal Ball 101 – Learn the basics of how to look in a clear object and pretend like you see stuff….like lots of shit. Experts show you how to rub and stroke orbs to make people believe that you know what you are doing. Also covered in this section is to make up weird “voices” and facial expressions so that people believe that spirits are being channeled into the crystal ball. Experts tell you what general statements will force people to come forth with additional information to make you look like a master fortune teller.
Disk 3
Retail Thieving – Probably one of the most important skills that can be learned as gypsy. Learn the skills of a master retail thief. How to properly look over your shoulder. How to move to an area not covered by surveillance cameras. Best methods on jumping over fences when the FUZZ is on your tail. Proper “crotching” techniques. How to stuff your pants and not look fat.
Advanced Tambourine Banging – This one takes up where the basic course leaves off. You will be able to properly wiggle to the music and hypnotize potential victims with moves like Shakira.
Fire Juggling – Not for the light hearted. This is why it is on disk 3 as opposed to disk 1. Fire is dangerous but if you can master this skill you will be identified as a Master Gypsy – many have tried and few have succeeded. Fire will dance if you pick this one up.
Disk 4 – BONUS
Not one….not 2….not 4…but 6 stories from real life gypsies who have KILLED IT. They will describe how their lives were changed forever as part of the GTX-90 program. They will cover where they started and how far they have come. This disk is worth the entire cost of the program!
What would you be willing to pay for a program? We have been told that our program BLOWS the competition out of the water. We have had people say that had they had this program prior to selling their children that they would have gotten paid more money. We have seen our program being sold on the black market for over $1000.00. But you are not going to pay $1000.00. You are not even going to pay 50% of that? If you purchase today during the next 10 minutes, we will sell it to you for $249.49. That is right folks. For less than a cup of coffee per day (K-Cup spread of 12 months), you can have this training to maximize the price for your child.
Folks…this is not all. If you order your GTX-90 program within the next 48 1/2 seconds, we will ship you a 2nd program for a loved one at no additional cost (you just pay a very large amount of money in S/H fees). Call NOW – 1-800-I WANNA SELL MY CHILD and place your order before it is too late!
Oh why are you holding out on liking FireDads.com Facebook page? We still love you but I might be selling you next unless you click here and like us?
It truly is a magical experience to have kids. At least that was what I thought until the need for potty training and wiping their asses. That to me is not so magical. I’m not sure what I thought on this one. I knew it to be a dirty mess. Hell I have 45 years of experience and consider myself an expert in the field. I thought I knew it all until…well I didn’t.
It’s natural right? Like a little baby bird. Momma bird throws the little bastard out and WHAM you are either flying or are a pile of bird soup. Does this work with potty training? Is there a way to replicate this? NOPE. It takes times and a shit ton of PATIENCE to make it happen.
I remember when I was young and my dad said that he had “wiped enough asses in his life”. I think he secretly was looking forward to the day that payback would occur and I would be all up in there with gas mask, gloves and a biohazard suit. After three girls, I finally understand where he was at….and that there will be payback (insert maniacal laugh).
I’m not sure of science behind it but the girls were quick to being potty trained. It was probably good that Mary was very much on top of it the entire time. Mia was potty trained the quickest. She had it down and was quite impressive. It’s like a light bulb turned on and it was go time. She was super proud of herself every time. We started her on her own little pink potty but she quickly graduated to a kiddie seat on the potty. This was great as we could always transform any potty into a potty she was ready to tackle. The only issue we had with her was trying to guess when she needed to go. It was an art rather than a science…and if your art was wrong, she was going to be PISSED! She did not like sitting on the toilet or any length of time. My theory was if I left her there long enough, the magical event would happen and BOOM. She obviously did not see it the same with me. It took bribes of candy….reading of books….sitting in the bathroom with her otherwise it would be a screaming match. Did she not know that some of my best ideas come out while I sit on the toilet. It’s kinda of like a poor man’s study.
Milana was very quick to the potty training as well. She had it down quickly and learned how to wipe as well. It was during her potty training time that I was a bad “potty coach”. I found out that boys and girls are different. The debate came out between me and Mary about the proper wiping direction. I never really put much thought into this and just always wiped forward instead of back. She insisted that it needed to be done the opposite direction. Then it finally sank in….thankfully I did not cause any infections. Oh I did have to say that I was wrong to Mary because she was not going to let me live that down. Who really wipes backwards? It is just so awkward….Women apparently do!
Ah Bella….yeah this one was a challenge. While she was potty trained quicker than most kids at her school, she was a little resistant to the game plan. I’m thinking, “yeah the other two did so well, Bella will be on board with this”. That is what I thought but she was a hand full. She would cry and whine and cause a big ruckus on the potty due to us trying to time it. When she finally got it….I was like “thank god I’m finally done with this potty thing”…at least that was what I thought.
Poop….Such a dirty and smelly thing. There is no redeeming value in the little brown nuggets. Hell it does not even need to be nuggets, it can be the soft serve variety….it could be explosive…whatever it is…..It is just plain nasty. That being said, I thought with the girls “potty trained” that the only ass I’d wipe is my own. I had faith that the girls were doing a good job. I would ask if they wiped and would always get “yes”. I was satisfied with that until Mary wasn’t. I had to make the pilgrimage to the laundry to be shown the mighty streaks in the underwear. Damn it….back to wiping I went. It took a little time to work on technique with Mia and Milana. After a short period of time and the use of wipes….We nailed it. No more issues; their little butts were clean! Bella….not so much. I’m starting to think she thinks that Mary and I are her personal ass wipers. I’ve seen fluffers before but not official ass wipers. Do I get a badge for this? Do I get hazard pay? Do I have to do this until she is 18? When the hell does it kick in?
Currently, she is unwilling to do the dirty work herself. We are trying the same techniques that were used on Mia and Milana (and worked) and they are not working with Bella. She is my little lazy girl. When she is done….”[Parent Name], I went poo poo!”. I should just give her a bell…at least I would feel like I was an official servant. So on goes the saga of getting Bella on board with wiping. It will continue to be a struggle, but I’m sure we are on the verge of winning the war of poop.
What challenges have you faced? Am I the only one with these types of issues? Do you feel my pain? Do you care:0?
Reach out below in the comments….oh and please make sure you like Fire Dads on Facebook….or I’ll send Bella over to potty train with you!
(Sorrowful Music playing) I’m innocent. I never try to cause debate and spit venom in my house (well maybe a little). That being said, I still enjoy a good debate until it turns plain ugly. I was recently attacked viciously by Mary….and it was all about an egg.
Let me paint the picture for you so you know that I was not at fault. It was a quiet day….like most of my days at home. I was sitting in the sun room enjoying a quiet afternoon while the children were fast asleep. I was in my nice warm jammies and slippers. I had my crochet needles out and was knitting an outfit for a group of some poor innocent children. I peered up from it for a moment and noticed that Mary was filling eggs for our upcoming Eggapoolza 2018 (2nd Annual Easter Egg Hunt). Being the most wonderful, awesome, hottest, incredible, and subtle person in the world, I decided that I would assist (even though I had already done 350 eggs on my own). I smiled and asked, “Most darling wife, can I please help you with your hard work of stuffing eggs”. Without a word, a half an egg quickly was tossed at my head. Thankfully, my spidey sense was tingling and I was able to dodge the egg destined to cause permanent disfigurement.
Not wanting to be injured further by such violent outbursts, I quickly started filling the eggs. It was going so smoothly until suddenly….it happened. I was viciously attacked by Mary and then had salt poured in the wound by all of her Facebook friends. What was reason I was attacked? It all comes down to which part of a plastic egg is the top. I have not really put too much thought into which end was the top and which was the bottom. I thought it was pretty clear which was which. Apparently, I was COMPLETELY wrong….according to them. While there are many parts of a real egg, there are only two parts to a plastic egg, namely the pointy portion and the blunt portion. All I said was that the top portion was the non-pointy section. You would think that I have just insulted the human race by the look I received from Mary. She chuckled….She guffawed…..She slapped me with her eyes. I was crest fallen and beaten down like a dog. I needed some help….some backup….some science!
I needed guidance….I needed to feel loved….I needed to ask the almighty oracle….GOOGLE. It seemed like days after I typed www.google.com in the URL bar until the search bar came up. I knew I had to be careful as to be fair to all parties involved. I searched “which side of the egg is the top”…even before I completed my query Google assisted me in my quest. Obviously this question has plagued mankind for……well a very long time! As I hit the enter button to see the results, I could feel a bead of sweat cascading down my brow toward my shirt. I knew there was no turning back now. Was I really wrong? Would science back Mary and all of her friends? Could I ever live with myself after today?
What I found shocked me! I WAS RIGHT! The pointy end was considered the bottom of the egg. It was all science as I quickly learned. I showed Mary this information and she again laughed at me. Who was this person reporting it? Well for starters, it was done on a science based website. Second, the individual that wrote it had a Bachelor’s in Science and a Masters in Zoology. I would think a person with that kind of education would trump some other people with less knowledge. Well, let’s just say it did not sway her or her friends. The continued the attacks and saying that the pointy portion was the top.
After countless hours of crying by myself, I finally regained my composure. I realize that some people will continue to disagree with you even when science is on your side. It’s probably the next conspiracy theory!
This is the second installment to help all you Fire Dads on raising your daughters. If you missed the first one, you can find it here. You know you should catch up on all of my posts as I build upon my “vast” knowledge on parenting that you can implement immediately (might not be your best option in some cases). In this post, I plan to follow up on other things you need to know to ensure you daughter grows up the right way! So let’s get it on!
Daddy Always Knows Best
I wish most people would realize this to be an absolute. Men use logic and reason in their decision making and this gives me ALL the right answers in all cases. NOT! It’s kind of like looking in the mirror and seeing myself with a ripped body, six pack, and Brad Pitt face when in reality I have a muffin top, 4 abs that show up when I really suck it in (2 are currently lost underneath my baby fat – thanks kids), and man boobs.
My real belief is that the girls need to have the ability to hear from both me and Mary (uggh she is never going to let me live that statement down). As young as they are, they are each developing their own personalities have in most cases can make good decisions. Not surprisingly when you have so many women in the same house, I am regularly overruled. As much as I HATE to lose, I try to let it go and not dwell on it when the girls have their own opinions.
Don’t Shame Your Daughter’s If She Is Not Girlie
As I stated above and in previous articles, each of the girls are very individual in nature and what I would call “works in progress”. They are still trying to figure out their likes and dislikes. They seem to change on almost a daily basis. For instance, my best Box Elder Beetle catcher used to be Mia. She had no fear on grabbing these little pests, carrying them to the toilet and giving them the big heave ho. I would intentionally look around for them so that I could watch her “hunt” them. I know this is gross but she got a little heavy handed at times and sometimes came out missing wings or legs before they met their watery grave. This is the polar opposite to Mary who almost has convulsions when a bug or spider needs to be captured. She starts making a sound similar to a cat with a hair ball.
It is my entertainment after saying “No” when she asks me to handle it. Unfortunately, my former beetle catcher Mia has fallen victim to her mother’s “disease” and she won’t capture bugs for me. Thankfully, Bella still will help capture and dispose of those little bastards Box Elder Beetles
Daughters Like Many Things – Not Just Girlie Stuff
I am not into forcing the girls into doing anything. My only requirement is that they participate in at least one activity to work on relationships and get some extra exercise. Some parents that I watch will only put their daughters into “girl” sports. I do not have them same mentality. After watching the Women’s Team USA Hockey Team take the gold this year, I am game for anything for the girls. They have done gymnastics, karate and are all currently in swimming and Mia is playing basketball. If they decide they want to play hockey, lacrosse or become MMA fighters, I might be a little apprehensive at first but would probably allow them to try it.
Out of the girls, Milana is the one that is most girlie and is not into getting too dirty. She likes to play with dolls and dress up and having on bling (I pity her future boyfriends – Diamonds, Fine Dresses and Nice Girly Things). Mia is more into helping me doing things around the house. She assisted me putting mulch into a wheelbarrow and moving it around the yard. She’ll pull up her sleeves and get her hands dirty if she wants to try something. Bella is probably the most extreme non-girlie girl out of the three. This little bruiser will probably be my future MMA fighter and her poor boyfriend will probably have “unexplained” black and blue marks and fat lips. Whatever they want to do or try I will support them because I want them to explore life and enjoy being kids and young adults.
Emotions are Normal…..
Ugh this one is rough for me. I’m not a very emotional person and call out the girls when they are being overly emotional – probably not the best thing to do. Mary says I am very robotic with my response due to my lack of emotions. Apparently, this is not overly beneficial to girls according to some of the respondents to the survey. It has effected them negatively and created issues with their fathers. I count on Mary to provide more of the emotional support as I am not sure if this is something that can be learned. My goal out of this is no longer to laugh and point at them when they are being emotional. Well I don’t point but I do call them out if they start crying during a movie. Such a bad dad! I will allow them to enjoy their emotions like the movie Inside Out!
There were other ones that they talked about in the article but they do not really apply at this point in my life. For instance, do not make comments about your daughter’s bodies. Some fathers make comments about their daughters boobs. I don’t know if I’m alone but I am not looking at my girls now or in the future and making comparisons of their body parts to their friends. That to me is a little gross.
If you want to read the full article, you can find it here. OH and while you are reading it or after you have finished, why don’t you go back and give us a like on Facebook so we have more than 3 friends! If you don’t, I will make comparisons of your man boobs versus your best friend!
I was reading an article today that I thought I would add my two cents about. The article can be found here and deals with what daughters wished their fathers knew as they were growing up. Normally, I would not incorporate this type of post regarding a few lone wolves PMSing over some wrongs that their fathers did to them. I changed my mind when I saw that the Reddit question ended up garnering 13,000 responses in a 24 hour time period. Obviously, I needed to investigate as I have three of these little troublemakers. I am always willing to learn from the mistakes of others….so I can pretty much make the same mistakes again and again and again.
Getting Knowledgeable About Woman Issues
Women have issues this is not a big surprise (j/k – figured that would get you all tuned in). Let us just say that have “things” go on that are much different than things with boys. Thankfully, none of these “things” has reared its ugly head as of yet. Right now, while they know they are different than boys, they have not figured out how much. I’m not going to lie here but some of the issues do cause me some cold sweats at night. My biggest fear is that all the women in the house start to cycle together. This is the time where Fozzie and I will be living for an “extended” time in the basement together. Occasionally, we will make sure there they have not ended each other.
All that aside, I will always be there to discuss things with them. While it might make me a little queasy at times, based upon my “extensive” medical training I can handle the good, bad and ugly. Discuss periods….I can do it. It’s just blood right? How hard can this be. You want to talk about your feelings for boys? Don’t worry, I’ll take them to the backyard…plenty of spaces for the boys that treat each of you badly. Talk about boobs? I have seen them and know about them. I’ve been to Victoria’s Secret…I read Cosmopolitan magazine…That makes me an expert right? I think I’ll just go to the store to but the tampons and liners with wings…how could that go wrong.
Not Wanting to Scare the Living Hell Out of All Their Boyfriends
Ugh….This one is disappointing that I cannot stand in the doorway scaring all the boys that come into the house. Apparently, girls look at this as being overprotective and leads to them 2nd guessing their decision making ability. While I agree that kids should make their own decisions and thereby learn from their mistakes, I do tend to be overprotective so that they do not “hurt” from bad boys. I am not sure if this one I can give 100% decision making ability to the girls at a younger age. Am I not supposed to say something if one of them decides that dating a 25 year old while they are 14 is okay? Am I not to step in if someone intentionally inflicts harm upon my girls? Am I not to step in at all? No offense to the women that made and support this “rule” but I do not plan on abiding by it strictly. I need to at least scare one boyfriend as I have been watching videos on how to do this right and know I can NAIL IT!
Treat Women With Respect
I talked about this in a previous post. While I agree with this statement, I think it is important that you should treat all people with respect. I try (and I emphasize TRY) to treat all people with respect. Some times….errr um….many times I “slip” a “little” and can be disrespectful. Okay, I never said I was perfect but this is one thing that I need to work on. This is something that I am working on with the girls as I think something that has been forgotten by some of the children these days. I see this in law enforcement where kids will disrespect the police even on minor matters….Why…..because their parents act the same way. The phrase “The apple does not fall far from the tree” holds very true. If I expect the girls to respect others and more importantly themselves, I need to do the same. Does this include the people that drive really shitty?
Careful What You Say to Your Daughters
Just like respect is important to give, it is also important to watch what you say to them. So what the article suggest is that you first call them fat. This builds their internal belief not to be fat….Um that is not true and the article does not say that. The exact opposite is true. While my memory lasts about 10 minutes on good days, the girls can recite VERBATIM what I said months or years prior. It is like their mind is a venus fly trap and my words are the flies. My biggest statement that I repeat to them is that they need to work hard to achieve their goals. That being said, I had to watch myself when I spoke to them when they did well on tests. My mouth started to form the word “smart” but then I stopped. Other articles that I have read stated that telling children that can create issues with them that they are just smart. I went on to tell them that they must have worked really hard to get such good score. More importantly, it was easier to have a conversation with them when they did not score as well as they could have. I simply asked if they had practiced as much as they should have and to my delight I was told that they had not. Guess what happened next time….They practiced more to make sure that they did well.
Learn to Apologize
I can never be wrong. Sorry? Not part of my vocabulary. Stubborn Asshole – Guilty as charged! Apologize? (Puppy Dog Eyes) Do I have to? Meep Meep Meep…Fine…I’m sorry! I guess I will have to concede. My personality has changed considerably (well at least a little bit) since I have had kids. I have changed for the better because the words “I’m sorry” can and have come out more than in the past. Before I could be wrong…Know it and I’d still fight you like a Pitbull locked in for the kill. Two choices for people before was to either give up or knock me out. That being said, I rarely started an argument knowing it was wrong. I started in a good place…was shown I was wrong but then would/could not stop because that would admit defeat. Ugh….The kids have brought be down a level as I have said I was sorry when shown to be wrong….HEY….It is seldom but it does happen. I’m sure I could do better with this because I think I can still be abrasive with the kids….So I’ll add it to my to-do list.
That is about 1/2 of the things that Fire Dads need to know about raising daughters…so this is part 1. I will do my next post with the remaining items. While you are salivating for the next one….Why don’t you be kind (like me :)) and give us a like on Facebook….AND share us with your friends. I hear we have at least 3 fans now!
Yes I know this is a very interesting topic for a post. That being said, I had to do it based upon the obnoxious fumes that these little buggers (aka my daughters) can individually create. I have put much thought into this subject as I have been attempting to come up with an invention that might make them stop. The little “breezers” come out at the most inopportune times. I guess any time is not really the best but there are some times where they should be down right outlawed! Since an invention cannot be made….I have developed a system to assist you in your war on farts.
I think farts can be classified similar to hurricanes since hurricanes are just passing air albeit not as stinky. Here are the classification codes that I have come up with that I think should be implemented immediately in real life. Legal Disclaimer – I will not hold you responsible if you choose to use these Categories for your family….I actually might find it very amusing! After understanding the levels below, you will be in a much better position to be safe around your kids.
Fart Classifications
Category 1 – Simple passing of wind. A Category 1 could be without sound or a very minor amount that does not draw suspicion from friends or family. Normally these ones will have an odor associated with them. The only people that would find out about a Cat 1 would be either just yourself or a friend/family member that is sitting REALLY REALLY too close. The bottom line is that they should not be that close in the first place so LET ‘ER RIP! This is a common level for little kids. In most cases, they are very silent and they will just giggle. As a parent, you know exactly what happened.
Category 2 – Ohhhhh Yeah. Things are not looking brighter with a Cat 2. These should be classified by the terms “Silent but Violent” or “Silent but Deadly”. The sound is very minimal but the odor will sting your nostrils. There are some benefits to laying down a Cat 2. First, since it is silent, you can blame it on the dog….only if you have one. This one is fairly uncommon at least with little girls. I do not know how but they are about 95% Cat 1 and 5% Cat 2.
In my case, in the back of an ambulance, I just look at the patient and attempt to make them look like the bad guy. I cannot tell you how many times my partner looks at me to see my response. I quickly shrug my shoulders in response which only leaves the patient as a suspect. It’s kind of like playing Clue in the ambulance. It’s sick patient with abdominal pain on the cot!
Category 3 – Well the Category 3 is certainly not silent AND it defitnitley has a pungent odor to it. Thankfully at the time of this writing there are no such machines that can pinpoint the location of the methane leak….unless you give it away yourself. The nice thing about having kids is I can blame them…or at least I was able to when they could not talk so well and dime me out. Before we could be at Costco, I drop a Cat 3 and look at Mia in “disgust” saying “Do You Need to Go Potty”….knowing full well it was me and maybe I should detour to the front of the store. Stay away from people that drop the Cat 3 as they most likely have no shame and might just force you into a dutch oven (not the kind you cook with) situation.
In my extensive research on the issue, I have found that only 1 to 2 children per year pass into the Category 3 range. If a Cat 3 sneaks up on you….there are only 2 real culprits…..the dog…..or your husband!
Category 4 – The Cat 4 is just downright disgusting along with the people that create it. These bad boys will clear a room. It is the judge, jury and executioner of farts. They leave no one “untouched” with their noxious fumes. Your nose will sting. You will have to open windows. People are going to pay for these. People who intentionally send out a Cat 4 do so without regard to those around them. There is hell to pay and the Cat 4 is going to do the job. 99.5% chance that guys are responsible. In a room full of women and one guy….It was the guy. Lay a disgusted look on him immediately and lay blame. Shame on you for doing such a dastardly deed!
In history, kids are not capable of creating such a beast. At this point, it is more of a bragging right when you get to this level. At this point, lay blame on the people with the testosterone in the house as they are the only ones capable of producing such a vile beast.
Category 5 – This can be classified as either the “Holy War” or just Armageddon. With this one there is a little enjoyment for the people that just suffered what they believe to be a Cat 4. This one has “carrier payback” meaning that the deliverer will also suffer at the hands of their own “discharge”. A word was created for a Category 5 that some are familiar with. It is vile…It is disgusting but it really defines what has occurred…..A SHART (shit fart). The Cat 5 is a nuclear warhead where everyone suffers. The surrounding area has to suffocate on a Cat 4 level aroma explosion while the “carrier” has to deal with the toxic waste in their pants. It’s the gift that keeps on giving.
This is like the hundred year storm…..or a perfect storm. Think of your friends that are lactose intolerant that cannot layoff the extra cheese pizza. They devour 8 slices in a short period of time. Not thinking much of it, they get into their vehicles and have their “long” drive home. Let’s just say…..It’s not a fun ride home as their stomach gurgles and chugs along until….Oops…I did it again!
Well hopefully you find this classification chart useful in your home life. It is important to understand the different levels and what you can do to protect yourself now and into the future. Should you have the need for more useless conversation pieces, we post every Monday, Wednesday and Friday on Fire Dads and are happy to share. Do us a favor and like our Facebook page….and we will love you long time!
It’s over. I cannot do this anymore. It is time to sell the kids to the next group of carnies for the highest price I can get. Hell, it’ll be a fire sale…$0.50 per child! I’m sure right after I do that DCFS will be knocking on my front door reinforcing the idea that I am failing as a parent.
So you are probably wondering how I failed. Let’s just get the facts straight here Jack….I have failed many times in the past….AND….I plan on failing a lot in the future as well. My litmus test of failure is when my children say that they do not love me anymore. I am crushed. I am crest fallen. I hide underneath my bed for hours eating ice cream and crying myself back from the brink of depression. I wonder where I went wrong and how could I have made such a tragic wrong turn in my life for such statements to be made. Oh wait……I was being a parent. I was doing the right thing. I did not make a bad parenting decision but, in fact, made a good one. I think I need to rename this post because I am feeling much better now.
I would not identify myself as a softy as I have been called names all my life. As a child, I would be generally offended as most kids are about being called names. After a thickening of my outer layer, I slowly realized that people’s words do not truly have any impact on my life. So how does this “mutant ability” provide me benefit as being a better parent? It gives me the ability to be a parent first to the girls. Why do I care? Because I love them and want them to be someone later in life that I would want to hang out with.
I’m not sure if it is just being around three little girls or just kids in general. I feel like I’m on the American Eagle at Great America with the roller coaster of emotions that comes out of them. At times, I get “Daddy, you are the best daddy!” and literally 10 minutes later, “Daddy, I don’t like you!” Wait huh? Did I pull out the billy club and beat them like a baby harp seal in that short? Um no….although sometimes I think all parents have thoughts that cross your mind that probably is inappropriate parenting behavior….Not like I was gonna act on it people…Seriously!
The most recent roller coaster ride was this evening with Bella. Because we were working on our Leprechaun traps in the art room for the majority of the evening (and yes the ones I build will catch those little bastards if they exist), we did not have time to sit and relax for the evening to unwind before bed. Because I was being the “best” daddy ever, I told all the girls that we could stay up an additional ten minutes and watch Ghostbusters before starting our bedtime routine. Oh folks….THEY ALL LOVED ME AT THAT MOMENT! I was the King…The Hero….The Super Duper Fire Dad! Unfortunately, the mood took a turn for the worse when I called time at 8:10pm. Bella lost her shit. She started crying like I had taken her favorite stuffed animal and thrown it in the garbage.
Candy for the Kiddies
As she walked away crying, I followed her and asked what her problem was. Her response, “I am not going to bed. You are a bad daddy”. I immediately melted and saw the error of my ways and let them stay up til 10pm. Moreover, because I cannot take being called names, I gave them each 2 bags of candy (144 pieces per bag), 3 boxes of Popsicles and Pixie Stix. They were so much happier and NOW I am the best dad ever! NOT…NO….I did not do that not even close.
I see all these people on the internet that say they are their child’s “best friend”. Unfortunately, I do not see this as being the best path as a parent. A parent can provide some things that similar to that of a best friend. as a parent if you decide that you want to be the “best friend” in your child’s life, you will soon lose control as a parent. As a parent you can be accessible, approachable and always keep your child’s best interests at heart just like a best friend. A parent’s role goes deeper though. We have to get the children prepared for life. I want to be there to protect them, guide them and teach them so they will be prepared for the challenges of life. Not doing so is doing nothing other them setting them up for failure.
To my little girls I say, you might not appreciate that I am being “mean” to you right now BUT in the long run, people actually might want to hang out with you. More importantly….I might want to as well. Sleep well my little angry monkey, bear and bean.
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Last, we have an issue with sharing. I’m a dog and I love to share everything with them. I’m part retriever so I do what is in my genes. A couple months after I was home there was a family of rabbits living out front. You’d think these people would want me to bring them dinner. NOPE. I chase a succulent baby bunny down and bring them over only to be scolded. Hmmmm….Not sure you wanna do this humans as I can share other things. Well, let’s just say I paid them back in spades. One time when I had some “guests” over….I showed them how I could take a dump inside the house. Oh yeah….and another time I shared my unique ability to make a streak on the carpet with my butt….it was like what the kids did with crayons! Hey dad….It’s a damn Picasso!
The girls kept busy until it was time for the 5-6 year olds to do their Easter Egg hunt. We lined up with the other kids. Again they marched all the kids in and had them line the walls. The countdown began…5…4…3…2…1….and off the kids went collecting eggs like a farmer with his britches on fire. In a matter of minutes all the eggs were collected and Mia and Milana checked out their loot. They both made out with plenty of candy and both got 2 special prizes. They shared their candy with Bella (only one piece though). Everyone had a great time with the Discovery Center. I gotta tip my hat to them for pulling it off and really showing a great time for all the kids!
I remember when I was young and my dad said that he had “wiped enough asses in his life”. I think he secretly was looking forward to the day that payback would occur and I would be all up in there with gas mask, gloves and a biohazard suit. After three girls, I finally understand where he was at….and that there will be payback (insert maniacal laugh).
Category 1 – Simple passing of wind. A Category 1 could be without sound or a very minor amount that does not draw suspicion from friends or family. Normally these ones will have an odor associated with them. The only people that would find out about a Cat 1 would be either just yourself or a friend/family member that is sitting REALLY REALLY too close. The bottom line is that they should not be that close in the first place so LET ‘ER RIP! This is a common level for little kids. In most cases, they are very silent and they will just giggle. As a parent, you know exactly what happened.
