OMG folks it is true. Today was a big moment in the M5 household as an epic event took place. While I was choking in water during the annual watermanship test, Mary made it a point to sign up Milana for kindergarten. (Input the sounds of trumpets playing a victory song in a castle). That makes two going to full day school with only little Bella Bean still going to preschool.
Why is this so exciting? Do I want to get rid of the kids? Well no…Well shit let’s be honest here YES I DO! While I cherish my time with them, I also cherish that time that I have away from them. I think parents need their own sanity time away from DAD….DAD…..DAD…..DAD…..DAD and so on and so on. Now its on the teachers to hear the constant requests. I have been so excited I have been practicing what I won’t hear anymore because it will be missed like a tree falling in an empty forest. I refer to them as my gifts for “kicking the kids” to all day school.
Dad I’m hungry. What are you going to make me? Old Dad response: Ugh….you guys actually eat three times a day? What do you want this time. I am good at making PB & J, Mac and Cheese (from the box) or just eat some chips.
New Dad Gift: Now it is the school’s problem to provide all those things. All I need to do is send an occasional box of granola bars or some glue. I send the items to the school like a care package for my little prison inmates.
Dad I don’t wanna go to the gym. Old Dad Response: (Negotiation) Okay….If you let me go to the gym, I will take you to [Insert Location] – Common Choices: McDonalds or Burger King so they can play, Discovery Center, Taco Bell for those yummy Doritos Tacos, a park….anywhere so they do not have to take a nap.
New Dad Gift: All the benefits without the whole day being swallowed up with my “punishment” for going to the gym. I get to occasionally go on field trips when needed and not rush to the gym.
Dad I went poop. Old Dad Response: Interrupt whatever important thing I am doing because I only do important stuff. I move to one of the bathrooms only to find them smiling at me like I cherish the moment of wiping their asses. Thankfully, Mia and Milana take care of this stuff on their own but sometimes they really need to check their skills. I don’t know if it is the many years that I have wiped my own to ensure the cleanliness of the area. They do a quick wipe without checking their work only to find their swift response has only led to one or two streaks in the underwear.
New Dad Gift: NOT MY PROBLEM. From the point of Mr. Hanky making a quick exit to the point those underwear are cleaned….I have no possible chance of getting involved. They will have to deal with it on their own…..AND the beauty of it is I do not do the laundry so the extra stains will not make a difference in my life.
Dad I got boogers. Staying on the same theme of bodily functions…What about boogers. The little petri dishes seem to introduce all kinds of challenges to my immune systems from their “friends” at school. While I am not too fond of sick kids (I’m sure not many are) because of their crabby nature and their whininess, the boogers really make it tons of fun! AH CHOO and the boogers go out like a swarm of killer bees; all over the face, chin and making an assault on their mouths.
New Dad Gift: This will become either the kids or a teachers gift from me. No more gooey boogers coming on me anytime soon!
Dad You Need to Take me to School. I’ve saved the best for last. The only downside of preschool is that the kids need to be driven to school every morning….oh and they need to be picked up. This is about an extra 40 minutes out of every day for school transport. It probably would be good to work with other families in the area to limit it….Yeah well that has not come to fruition over the last several years so.
New Dad Gift: I don’t know what happened to America since I went to school but I love it. The school bus stops at the end of every child in the subdivision’s driveway and picks them up and drops them off. What can be better….I just need to be there for pick up and drop off….then I get 8 hours of PEACE!
This is my dream world starting in 2019 when all three are going to full time school. Bella will still provide the wonderful gifts above to make my life wonderful. I don’t wanna go cold turkey right away anyway. I need some time to get used to the fact that I won’t have to wipe asses, boogers and provide limousine services for the kids. Bring on 2019…..I am crossing the days off the calendar!
It did not seem that long ago that a trip to a restaurant meant things like good food, good friends and just good times. We got to go to nicer places, have a few drinks and enjoy some really good food. I got to connect with people because normally the distractions were very few. There was plenty of darts, pool, music, etc. That was before what I have now called BK or Before Kids. Such simple times!
Just as we move from different ages in history (Industrial Age, Space Age, Industrial Age), we have now found ourselves in a new parenting age kindly called: OSITPA – Oh Shit…It’s Those People Again! You have those looks on people’s faces as you slowly enter the restaurant. It’s kinda like being on an airplane and you see the first time mom and dad carrying their baby carrier. You know your ears are going to bleed as soon as that pressure change occurs.
I’m guessing that the looks are more in my head than anything as I have seen many kids before mine do much worse but it can be rather embarrassing and frustrating. One of the main challenges seem to happen EVERY TIME we go out to eat. I think the kids eyes sparkle as they know there is a bathroom in the restaurant that needs to get explored. It’s strange that this would be a problem, as we know their antics and make them go potty prior to leaveing home. SOMEHOW each of the kids Hoover’ Dams are suddenly so full that if they do not go potty while we are at dinner that we will flood the restaurant in a sea of Mountain Dew. What’s more is that there never seems to be a need for a potty break until the food comes.
Bella: Daddy.
Me: Yes, Honey….Do you want more bread?
Bella: No. I got to go potty.
Me: (Putting my hands together and praying for the right response). Just pee pee?
Bella: No poo poo too
Me: (Ugh….Really a deuce….Now? When the food is just showing up? I eat enough cold meals at the firehouse)
At this point I have a couple of options. Option 1: Let her go potty on her own. Option 2: Send in a poop SWAT team (multiple kids). Option 3: Go with her to the potty. Option 4: Make her wait until we get home. So my fire training kicks in as I figure out what my best option. First thing I need to do is do a cost/benefit analysis. It has to be quick. Bella does not mess around.
I like option 4 BUT I know that when Bella says she has to go potty…..She does not fib. Benefit: I have a happy tummy with warm food in it. Cost: Mr. Hanky pays us a visit and Bella is a very pissed off customer.
Option 1: Benefit: Everyone gets to enjoy their food except Bella. Cost: She comes back without proper wiping and we pay the price later at home.
Option 2: Benefit: I get to enjoy my food. It probably tastes yummy and I cannot wait. Cost: I know there will be horseplay. The girls will be kids and decide that a bathroom is a great place to play a game of hide and seek. It will take 10x as long as Option 3.
Option 3: Benefit: It’s a fast in and out. Simple 8 step process…Enter stall…Drop the Drawers…Onto Potty…..Drop the Deuce….Quick Wipe….Pull Up Pants….Wash and Dry Hands. Cost: LUKE WARM FOOD.
Option 4: This is my favorite as I always question the kids bathroom tactics. Are they fibbing? Benefit: I have a happy tummy with warm food in it. Cost: Mr. Hanky pays us a visit and Bella is a very pissed off little girl.
As you can imagine, there really is no optimal option when dealing with potty breaks at a restaurant. In most cases, it seems that Option 3 is the one that we go with. Making sure that a potty break is done in a quick and efficient manner is key. The last thing I need to do is have some angry people coming up to me to tell me that the kids are playing in the bathroom. Even more disturbing would having Bella come back and look like one of our homeless population that got drunk after eating some spicy food. I guess I’ll have to continue enjoying seeing my food just make the table and embrace the fact that I am a kiddie potty concierge.
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I think one of the simplest, yet powerful things that we as Fire Dads can do is teach our kids how to appreciate all the wonderful things in their lives. I say it is simple because it only requires only a few minutes each day to make an impact on your kids lives. It goes beyond using the words “please” and “thank you”. Not to say that those words are not important, but by teaching them gratitude, other traits are developed including empathy for other people appreciation for life. The kids begin to see beyond their normal self-centeredness and see and realize the wonderful things that people do for them. These people provide shelter, food, love, etc. The last thing that I want for them is to believe that they are entitled to things in life and then will be continually disappointed when they do not get everything and anything they want.
I would love to say that I am an expert in being appreciative and showing gratitude BUT I am in learning mode as a Fire Dad and as such a work in progress. Thankfully, I am not a complete failure as the experts say we are not born with gratitude. It takes some training to understand and appreciate what others do for you. More importantly, there are definite benefits to having gratitude and showing appreciation. Studies suggest that people that show gratitude have higher levels of happiness and optimism and lower stress and depression…God knows I need to lower my stress when four women are trying to live in peace and happiness!
WHEN GRATITUDE BEGINS
If I am still a work in progress, does that mean young children are going to be a lost cause? THANKFULLY, according to Barbara Lewis (author of What do You Stand For? For Kids – Free Spirit Publishing, 2005), kids as young as 15 to 18 months can start to understand the concept that leads to gratitude. They see themselves as separate from their parents and see that parents do things that make the children happy. This happiness provides the building blocks to developing and nurturing the gratitude in your children.
During age of 2 to 3, children can articulate in their own way what they are thankful for. Normally, we are not talking high end thinking but they can appreciate things like their dog, specific objects and even people. At age 4 and above, they start to really understand and can move beyond appreciating material things….so sometimes people take center stage and the things that they do.
Appreciate Your Sisters….Only when doing Light Bright!
So after doing some reading over the weekend, I decided to try it out on the kids. It only takes a few minutes to do and can actually be kind of funny to talk about. Me and the girls decided to have a “gratitude” conversation on the way to a birthday party. Here was the conversation that we had:
Me: Girls I am really excited about going to this birthday party. I cannot wait to spend some time with these people. They really are wonderful people. What do you girls appreciate?
Mia: Well….I’m glad we do not live in a box.
Me: Chuckle. Yes, that is something we should really appreciate. Mommy and Daddy work really hard to make sure you have a warm and safe home along with food and a big yard to play with your friends. We also have good friends and neighbors that get to share that with us.
Mia: Yes. Can we have a slumber party with people? They are really nice.
Me: Well, we need to work a lot more so we can feed all of them then. Maybe for your birthday.
Me: How about you Milana? What are you thankful for?
Milana: Fozzie. I love Fozzie.
Me: Why?
Milana: Because he is a good dog.
Me: How about you Bella? What are you thankful for?
Bella: I love you Daddy.
PERFECT WAY TO END THE CONVERSATION….for Now.
BECOMING A GRATITUDE JEDI
So what other things can we do to try and teach gratitude within our family?
First, start with the simplest things. Because the kids look to model the behavior of their parents, make sure that “please” and “thank you” are part of your daily ritual. By having good manners, your kids will be moving towards understanding and appreciating the things that happen in their lives.
Have a Thanking Session – This is not something that has to take all day but it is important to start developing it as a habit in your family. A thanking session would be having everyone together and saying one or two things that they are thankful for. Some places that could happen: at the dinner table, on the way to swimming practice, or just before bed. I think it will be easy to do as I put each of the girls to bed. It will be the last thing on their mind as they slowly drift away to slumber.
Learn to Say No – Kids like to ask for things all the time. Dad can I have this….Dad can I have that. If your response everytime is “Yes” (I know this is the easy path), then the kids will start to appreciate things much less. If you say “No” more often and not give them everything they want everytime….You will see that they appreciate it when you say “Yes” again.
Encourage Donating Items – Well call it that you want to get organized or you want to get rid of all the crap that somehow always accumulates in your house. Several times a year, we like to have the girls pick some items that they think will be good presents to give to other kids. We will donate these items as it is a way to show them that it is best to share items and allow other less fortunate kids enjoy things as well. Also, during Christmas time, we have made it a point to find a “giving tree” and select a card for each girl. Each girl gets to pick the item (with some parameters; Bella would love to give another child a real pony….especially if we pay for it!) that will be given as a Xmas present.
Make Thank You Notes Mandatory – One thing that I dreaded when I was a kid was to write out Thank You notes. I LOVED to get the presents but the notes were such a pain. That being said, it did embed the idea that gratitude was important to those around you. Now, I have the girls either give a personal phone call or send a thank you note to the people that are generous to them…whether it be presents, time or money for one of their fundraising events. Even if you kids cannot write, you can have them read out loud what they want written down. It will really make a difference.
Get the Kids Help – After working on projects and homework with the girls, it can be a real time suck when they are slow or “butcher” the work that they start. It is much easier to just do things yourself. Unfortunately, if you sit and do everything, your kids will see that there is no requirement for them to do anything. “Oh mommy and daddy will take care of it!; aka entitlement. Instead, focus on having them doing it (it will take some patience), as they will realize that doing things around the house takes effort and they will appreciate it!
As you can see, showing gratitude can take only minutes and is very simple, yet so powerful! Take action today and try some of the techniques (at least one) and make it a “family habit”. It’s time for all of us to start appreciating the great things that we have in life and stop sweating all the small shit that really has no overall effect in the grand scheme of things.
Whoa….the Fire Dads have spoken. We all love our kids (or at least most of us do) but there are certain things that work better when there are no kids around. We have come up with our top 5 list of things you will no longer be able to do now that you have kids.
Dance Like Tom Cruise in Risky Business
Don’t lie to yourself any longer. I know I have always enjoyed picking up the closest candle stick as you wear just a collared shirt, a pair of tighty whities and sport socks. Close your eyes for a moment and take yourself where you crank the music up to an “11” and slide across my hard wood floor as Bob Seger’s Old Time Rock and Roll jams on the “hi fi”. This fantasy now is DEAD! No longer can you walk around and enjoy yourself. No longer is underwear acceptable in your home as a “strutting” piece of clothing. Now it is reserved to being hidden by more clothes never to be seen again. It’s over you Tom wanna be!
Sleeping In
Wasn’t it great. Those times that you could enjoy with your eyes shut past oh like……6am?? Now the kids have taken control of my sleep. I am at their mercy. They dictate my sleep now. Oh you want to sleep til 8am? NOT! Oh you want your weekends back? NOT! The only thing that has helped is a clock that looks like a little bug. It lights up at a time that I set and the girls have been instructed to stay in bed until it lights up. I never thought it would work….figured they would just continue doing their early morning wake-ups. Surprisingly, they stay in bed even it they are up. SCORE! The best $25 dollars I have spent!
Having Sex Wherever and Whenever You Want
Oh yeah. On the couch, the shower, the counter…..Hell anywhere and and anytime. Banging like a bunch of crazed horny animals. (Insert screeching tire sound). All that is OVER! Kid radar kicks in when some intimate time is in order. It really doesn’t matter when….You will be found out. You have to watch over your shoulder the entire time. Some people probably consider this a challenge….I just call it too much stress. The last thing I need to do is scar them for life with the sounds of beds creaking, some sort of moaning and groaning among other things that will never leave my mind….thanks mom and dad!
Enjoying Getting Out the Door Quickly
Ah yes. I remember the day when I could be out the door in 20 mins or less (that included a shower, getting dressed and all the necessary equipment). Good luck getting out the door without a 60 minute prep time now. We actually have to prepare to get out the door. Typical scenario in the morning for school looks something like this. Get up at about 645. Make sure they eat breakfast. Yes this is a challenge in the morning.
Pequeño Diablo
Me: Hey Bella…What do you want for breakfast?
Response: A Cutie!
Me: Honey, You need to eat something else.
Response: (Insert an Angry Face) Ok. One Oatmeal too.
After this, we need to check that all homework is their bags. We need to get a snack for Mia’s school and make sure she has a full bottle of water for school. Everybody finishes their breakfast. Then it is time to get our shoes and coats on. Just about this time, Mia’s bus comes and she is gone off to 1st grade. After that….we are out the door to Zion with the other two. Time check…..0745. Where did my hour go? Couldn’t I do this before in 20 mins? I didn’t even get a shower in!
Use the Bathroom in Peace
I’ve saved the best for last. I remember a day where using the sacred throne was a just that….sacred. Hell, I could sit in there for hours if I wanted to. Taking a shit was an experience! Read a book, relax, wax your eyebrows, do other man deeds….It was all fair game. Now, it has been relabeled the community center. For some reason, when I retire to the ceramic cauldron, some sort of alarm goes off in the kids heads and deep conversations need to be started and completed. While I am not going to lie I do have some of my best thinking sessions, it is probably not an appropriate time or place when all I hear is “Dad, you stink! Turn on the fan.” Interestingly enough, they will stay there anyway to continue the conversation. I try to get them to leave with my foul odor but for some reason it just draws them in….I think they are flies!
Have any others that should be part of this list? List them below in the comments!
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I guess I should not be surprised. It is not like they showed up overnight. Hell, I probably could have fed all three girls since they have been around that long (is that too far:)~~~. I’ve seen women feeding their children well beyond what is the norm. In fact, I hear you can even have an orgasm from it!!!!!
Whatever excuse I can make…It is true….I have Bitch Tits! I am somewhat ashamed to admit it but I plan to conquer them and you can too! (Please read disclaimer below as I limit any liability in reducing your chesticles.)
They can come be called a variety of different names. I have come across many in my “extensive” search on Google. The ones that I have found include (Please include better ones in the comments section):
Moobies
Man Breasts
Bumpers
Wobblies
Bazookas
Moobs
Chesticles
Headlamps
Boy Knockers
Tipples
Mannary Glands
Love Lumps
Bitch Tits
Oh yeah and the stupid medical term which is not funny, gynecomastia
Whatever you want or feel the need to call them, they are not as uncommon as one would think. Some studies suggest that about 60% of men have either had them in their life or will get them. Moreover, they can come in a variety of shapes and sizes. You can have the Asymmetric, Bell Shape, East West, Side Set, Slender, Tear Drop, or Round – Click here for a full explanation. I wish I could make this shit up.
This of course does not help me….or you.
“The first step in solving a problem is recognizing there is one” – Will Mcavoy
Realizing that I need to first understand that this was a problem, I had to develop a test. All I had to do was rely on some of the greatest minds in the world – at the firehouse! What I was instructed to do was known as a slap/dunk test. These geniuses should probably have patented the process but they didn’t so I share it with you today….at NO COST AT ALL. I further refined it by adding a second test also known as the side boob test. Again, I am not going to charge you anything to use this process….maybe in the future so test away while I allow you to do it for free. In the video below, I use myself as a human guinea pig (no real guinea pigs or any other animals were injured during testing) by demonstrating the full test in less than 15 SECONDS! Do I really have a problem, you make the call – leave a comment below.
How to Conquer YOUR Man Titties
Hide Them
In your mind, these beauties were developed out of love and lots of excess food, steroids or the like. I get it friend. There is no reason to destroy what the Good Lord has “given” you. Some women are HATE YOU because of the size of your luscious mounds. In fact, Bo Derek would probably label you a “10” due to how they flop around running down the beach after the hot dog vendor who just closed up shop. Damn it, if you are comfortable with your mannery glands, please feel free to go down to your local Macy’s or Nordstrom’s and pick up the 21st century solution to this problem. Kramer (from Seinfeld) developed the first of it’s kind bra for men. He named it the Bro. See the video below.
After putting on a Bro, men have exclaimed extreme delight. Some testimonials include feeling ten years younger, that their posture has been significantly improved or that their breathing ability has become better. Characterized as too “ethic”, the name was ultimately changed to the “Manssiere” – Brassiere for Men – See the Video Below for the testimonials and the name change.
Medical procedures
Not getting because you are most likely better off with a Bro or working out. Some doctors will put you on an antiestrogen treatment or surgery – trust me they don’t look bad enough to go to that length….and famous people have them anyway so keep all the knifes and the drugs away – unless you have a serious discussion with your doctor and your therapist.
Non-medical Techniques
While there is no magic technique or exercise that will help with your man boob problem, there are things that you can do to make it better. I have read several articles and most of them say the same types of things. Lose weight, eat better and do some exercise. Well no shit. I guess I better starve myself, become a gym rat and start eating twigs and berries – LMFAO!
30 Day Challenge
We all know that this is not going to happen for most of us. My suggestion (let me reiterate that I am not a personal trainer so take my advice with a grain of salt) is that if you even make some small changes in your life, you will see improvements and reach a much more palatable result. If you decide that doing nothing is going to somehow make some changes in your life….keep banging you head against the wall and say it will feel better sooner or later. For the rest of us, this is my battle plan. I am going to do 100 push ups! Yup that’s it! Well kind of. I am going to do 100 today and add 5 more per day for the next 30 days. Doing the simple math…I’ll be doing 150 at the end of the 30 day challenge. This is something all of us can do and stick with. I am not saying to do all of them at one time. If you can do that GREAT. If you can’t (and I’m with you there), do as many as you can and stop. Take a break and do more throughout the day until you complete the number. No weights….No heavy lifting…No meat head assholes at the gym. Just simple plan to see what can happen in just 30 days. I will not guarantee that they will be gone but I will put money on it that you will not have the sloppy man pancakes that you once had.
In conclusion, I challenge you to do this and let me know your results. I plan on giving you updates as the 30 days go by to make sure you are keeping me accountable to the destruction of my man boobs. Oh yeah…and if you read this far….Please go and give us a like on Facebook. Thanks we will love you for it!
****DISCLAIMER**** Please do not do this if you like how they bounce, your wife or significant other likes calling them man flapjacks and you like wearing a Gimp mask, or they look great in a Bro. We are now planning on eliminating them once and for all. Oh yeah…And check with your doctor to make sure you are not gonna die from a little physical activity BECAUSE I will not be responsible!
I have been focusing on spending quality time daily with the girls as I have discussed in previous post. As I have been reading different articles and blogs about parenting that parents need to develop individual relationships with each of the children. Since I realized that I could do much better with giving the girls their individual time, I have been looking for ways to make this happen daily. Let me just say that it is not the easiest of activities as most of the time, all the girls want to be around whenever you are trying to accomplish things.
I am not going to say that I am winning the battle on making this happen everyday, but I am making a conscious effort to try and give the girls their own Fire Dad time. A couple days ago, I found that we had some excess avocados and tomatoes and decided that I would make some guacamole. Instead of doing it myself, I asked the girls if they were interested in being my assistant chef. Milana’s eyes lit up as she raised her hand and came running over to help. To make it more special, I recently bought a chef hat that I said she could use. She quickly ran upstairs and came back down donning her chef hat asking what she could do. Since this was our first time cooking together, I wanted to take it slow with her. I found that she was very capable and willing to do everything and anything that need to be done.
Step 1: Cutting the avocados – I figured that I would take the lead on this one as a knife in her hand might not be the best decision to make as a father and did not want to have a visit from DCFS. We split the avocados in half and plucked the seed out of the center. While she was interested in doing the cutting, I reassured her that I recently had cut my finger pretty good and that I wanted her to have all her fingers and toes when we were finished.
Step 2: Avocado Digging – Milana stepped up for this activity. I gave her a spoon and told her to scoop out all the avocados and dump them in a metal bowl. She was really quick doing this activity and actually caught a couple stems that I had left int the avocado.
Step 3: Garlic Press – This was relatively easy. Put a clove of garlic in the press and squash it. Milana tried it but she was not strong enough to do the job so this was mine. We definitely want fresh garlic. I am a garlic fan and might overdo it. In the receipe below, please reduce the garlic if you are not as big of a fan. Just FYI, after eating some of the guac, I had some of the worst burps ever. I STUNK! It probably even oozed from my pores.
Step 4: Stir and Lime Juice- Milana stepped up here and went to mixing the garlic and avocados together. As she was stirring, I added some salt and pepper to my taste level. Need some lime juice for flavor and help the avocados from browning up.
Step 5: Cut Tomatoes – Again this was a Fire Dads job. I cut them all up, removed the seeds and then chopped them up a little bit. Asst. Chef Milana then added it to our bowl.
Step 6: Chop Cilantro – Another knife job that I handled. I chopped it up pretty fine and then Milana added to the mix.
Step 7: Mix Again – Once all the ingredients are in….Mix to your desired consistency. I like having some chunks of avocado so I do not mix too much.
Recipe:
7 – Medium Avocados
4 – Medium Roma Tomatoes
4 – Cloves of Garlic
6 – Teaspoons of Lime Juice or 2 fresh limes
1 – Teaspoon of Salt (to taste)
1/2 – Teaspoon of Pepper (to taste)
Milana did an excellent job and we had a good bonding experience. I got to enjoy here in her element where she was “calling” the shots on the guacamole. What was interesting….She does not like eating new things especially when they are green. She went ahead and asked for her own small bowl and some chips….and she ate them. My belief is because she was part of the process. It was great to see.
If you are looking for some easy guacamole to make and have an assistant chef to help, give this a try and let us know how it goes!
Take a journey with me into the evenings at my humble abode. Feel the pain as I tell this tale of woe from the standpoint of the victim. As the only male that does not bark in this house, I suffer at the hands of women that have overtaken my sanctuary. In the early years, (about 7 years ago….well really never), I used to rule the roost. What I said was law and there were no people to question my authority. I could walk around in my underwear, eat Cheetos, and watch Boy Band videos without interruption and into the late evening (yeah get the visual). All of my simplicity, all of my individuality, all of my masculinity has all but been decimated by the ladies that now have taken over.
Cuddle Time Again?
It appears that I failed to read the contract and the marriage license that I signed which had a few requirements. While some of these requirements have had an effect on life in my quiet home, none has been as sinister as the Cuddle Clause. This one particular item seems to be relentlessly put in my face at every opportunity. There has never been a day that passed that this clause has not been shoved in my face. More importantly, this clause has evolved into something that most people would not be subjected to….I am literally a POC (Prisoner of Cuddle) in my own home. Feel my pain people!
It all started with Mary. It was innocent enough. We would watch a movie, and I would put an arm around her. Voila….Cuddling clause complete. If the story only ended there….I would not have to tell this tale. It has now morphed into something more evil….more sinister…..more unmentionable. I need other to understand and put themselves into my shoes. What was formally just my arm around her turned into her moving in closer and leaning on me. I was okay with this. I looked at the benefits. Extra body heat kept me warmer and I was good with that. Give them an inch and they take a mile.
Next thing I know, it was not only her warmth that I had to contend with. She started using me as her personal body pillow. First, it was her head. I’m thinking okay I’m good with that. Obviously she felt there was some unseen green light. The next thing I know, she throws a leg over me. I’m like WTF. I go ahead and move her leg off of me because I start losing sensation in my legs. Was I in the right? Obviously not! She gets offended and relates that I used to let her do this without complaint. I think this some sort of female psychological warfare that was developed by either the Skunkworks or the CIA. I started to believe that I did allow her to do this in the past. Another inch was gained.
I should have guessed the cuddling would transform into more. Well, it has evolved again…kinda like the movie Alien. Now she has moved on to laying on top of me. Here is the usual scenario:
(In a Woman’s Voice) “Hey Mike, I have a great idea. Why don’t we watch a movie? I have one in mind.
(In a Studly Man’s Voice) “Sure”
(In a Woman’s Voice) “Great….Let’s Cuddle”
(In my Head) “Oh Shit…..what did I just agree to”
I guess it would not be so bad if we actually watched the movie….or should I say that SHE would watch the movie. As it normally turns out (97% of the time), she falls asleep and I’m her personally body pillow. My arm goes numb…..she snores…..I can’t get comfortable and that is just in the first 5 minutes. To my surprise she just picked out the two and a half hour movie with extra footage.
The 3rd Minion – Bella
If this was not bad enough, she has obviously passed this trait on through some sort of training or by genetics. All three girls now have figured out that they have some sort of power of suggestion when they say the word ‘cuddle’. How could this happen? I think Mary had me somehow hypnotized where I just lose all ability to move when the word cuddle comes out. For one of my birthdays, she did take me downtown to a magician, it probably happened there. Now when Mia says cuddle….my body turns to mush (eyes still can see and I can hear). She then pulls my arm around her like a blanket. Thankfully the paralysis is temporary as I can eventually move again. Then Mary’s next minon says cuddle and boom…..I fall back into paralysis mode.
Currently with the CITs (Cuddlers in Training), it is only to the point where they lean into me. What is different is now that I am cuddling with three instead of 2. Yeah you figure this out. One under my left arm, one under my right and the third lays on top of me. Oh wait…It gets better! They have obviously been reading the Mary’s book “5 Simple Tools to Commit Heinous Cuddle Crimes Against Fire Dads”. Now I have them throwing a leg over me while they cuddle. The CITs have learned quickly and well as now I have become body pillows for four women in my once quiet non-cuddle kingdom.
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It ALWAYS happens. The kids know their bedtime (2000) but they always seem to push for a little more time. They are normally in the middle of some “VERY important activity” that needs to be completed before putting their heads on pillows. It could be a karate match, a balloon game, watching the latest episode of their favorite show (that they have already watched 100 times), they become agitated that I suggest that it is bedtime. It doesn’t matter what their activity as they need to make sure they can squeak some extra time. I truly believe they think they are going to miss something monumental that happens after they fall sleep. I have attempted to reassure them that I would work on my Michael Jackson and Justin Timberlake dance moves only while they are awake. They do not seem to either believe me or just don’t care because their behavior continues to this day.
Bedtime turns into a full on negotiation with some of the best in the business. It sometimes feels like I’m a hostage negotiator with some of the best in the business. I’ll say, “Girls, you have 10 more minutes.” Their response is “15 minutes”. You think I would learn by now and say five minutes and have them respond back at ten. I think that I will need additional training from some top people in the FBI to make bedtime normal.
I know all of this is normal behavior as I did the same thing with my parents when I was young. It must be part of training while at pre-school. While the behavior is considered normal, experts suggest that bedtime can be more “normal” if you take some predictable steps which walk the children down the “night night” time path. Moreover, this same suggestion actually makes it easier for adults to enjoy more restful sleep. While you do you need to make a plan, each plan is going to be different depending on your children’s needs.
OUR PLAN
We have a “Pre” warm up to get the girls into bed on time. Think of this as your pre-game prior to Monday Night Football. This part is usually pretty normal as it requires a bedtime snack. Normally speaking, the girls like to have a couple apples cut up. They prefer it when Mary cuts them up as there are more apples to go around. I try to explain to them that they get the same amount when I cut them into eighths. Unfortunately, they are still of the mindset that more smaller pieces means they are getting more. Fortunately, this same argument works with money. A roll of pennies goes a long way!
When the snack is done, it is time for the second leg of our bedtime ritual. This has the girls putting on their PJs, brushing their teeth and go potty. Thankfully there are not too many hurdles in the second leg….unless of course someone falls over the hurdles. Sometimes we are required to play the referee for ANY issue. Should we not fulfill our duties, hostilities between the girls might heighten OR there might be a slew of tattling which rivals any Olympic doping scandal. First, make sure that each has EXACTLY one half of the step stool when brushing their teeth. If one encroaches even 1 cm off center there is going to be a fight. Second, comes the issue of an overtired child. This can be the biggest challenge as the girls become overly emotional. They will cry at the drop of a hat and then add a nice dose of stubbornness and you have a recipe for an extended bedtime. The experts suggest that children are quite tricky when they are overtired. They act normally and then a small trigger will set them off like Mount St. Helens.
If you were successful to making it this level without too much an issue. Here is where the fun starts. Each girl has some expectations at this point. First, they want to be carried to bed. It is not just a simple carry though. All of them jump up onto our bed. Then the fight is on. They all want to be taken to bed last. To be perfectly honest, I am not really sure why. Sometimes it comes down to me having them guess a number to pick their position. I then have to carry them like a princess; apparently, they have watched too many Disney movies. THIS IS REQUIRED. During the carry, I obtain my
I Do Not Plan on Going to Bed Easily
hug and kiss for the night. The next thing is the pinky swear, “Pinky swear, pinky swear, I love you. Pinky swear pinky swear stay in bed. Pinky swear pinky swear go to sleep. Pinky swear pinky goodnight. Pinky swear pinky swear don’t let the bed bugs bite”. I then proceed to tickle them which is their expectation. Thankfully, I have not tickled them too much. Next is the rub and scratch of their backs. I have to rub their backs and then scratch them. You cannot scratch too hard or too light. God forbid you cut your nails that day….you need to make sure you adjust your scratching techniques. Last, you need to turn on their nightlight. It stays on for a short time and then turns off automatically. At last they in a holding pattern with Mr. Sandman.
Word to the wise here. You really need to follow this ritual in our house or you will pay the consequences. While we have grown accustomed to their needs, the babysitters sometimes do not follow “protocol”. The kids will then proceed to play games with them by talking, getting out of bed or just being PITAs. Our successful babysitters are aware of their plan and follow it. It makes for the best possible night and quiet time at home.
What are some bedtime rituals that you have at home? What types of things have you tried and that were successful? Better yet, what have you done that did not work so well? Keep the conversation going below! Also, please do us a favor and like us on Facebook. We are pushing for our tenth like on Facebook….Please help us out!!!!!
Ever since having the kids, parties were important so that the kids got to enjoy their birthdays. My opinion is that birthdays are probably the most important days for each person (or least they should be). My reasoning is simple….the girls reach a milestone at each and every year that they grow. So many profound changes occur in each year so I think it is important to celebrate these days with the girls and their friends/family. So today marks birthday number four for my dearest little Bella. HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY LITTLE BELLA BEAN!
Normally, we have been fortunate with great weather for the girls. Since Mia and Milana have birthdays in the hotter months, they have the opportunity to have their parties at the house. We have an outside party with a water slide pool, a jumpy house, grilling food and the like. Unfortunately, Bella does not share the warm weather for her birthday. We did have a fluke last year with weather in the upper 70s and 80s in February. She did get her outdoor party but that is not of the norm. The bottom line is that we like to set up the birthday and enjoy the time with the special girl!
This year we decided to try something a little bit different. There are a lot of choices as we have been invited to some great places recently. We have been to nature centers, Fire Zone, Pump It Up and the like. Some people call these parties – “Parties in a Box”. The benefits are great in that they provide the location so your house is not trampled with tons of guests. They provide the food so you do not have to do tons of running around. They provide the entertainment and plan for the kids. With those wonderful benefits available, we decided to give Bella the option to choose a party in a box. We gave her several options and she decided on a POOL PARTY!
Centegra offers a pool parties and let me be the first to say that it was AWESOME. It started with a couple of hiccups, none were the fault of Centegra. First, someone ordered some extra snow which made the trip take about twice as long because the roads were slippery. Second, we forgot the party favors for all the kids – a little goody bag for them coming out to the party. I had to make a trip back to the house to pick them up. After that was out of the way, the party went off without a hitch.
Bella’s Party in Swing
Bella went a little overboard with the invitations and we ended up having 19 kids attend the party. Thankfully, the staff at Centegra stepped up and made it a great experience for all the kids. The party was 2.5 hours which is a lot of time for the kids to play and have a great time. It starts out with 30 mins in the Kid Zone where they have plenty of toys and a gym with basketballs. This is followed by an hour in the pool area. This is where the kids had the greatest time. They got to enjoy swimming and splashing and running and just having a fantastic event. The big hit was the water slide. Even some of the parents spent some time riding down the water slide. When I went back to some of the smaller kids, I was viciously attacked and splashed – BUT I loved every minute of it. I even was called names, well one name…Michael Jackson! After having the kids dry off, we went back to the Kid Zone for a pizza party and cake. The kids ate and stuffed themselves on the pizza which was great. Surprisingly, they had a little room to eat some cake as well. After that, it was time to go and I think that all the kids had a great time.
What was nice about having a party in a box was that I got to spend some quality time with the birthday girl. I was her personal water transport device. She climbed on my back and I swam around the shallow water. After she got tired of that, I then went down the kids water slide about what seemed about 1000 times. As soon as we got to the bottom, she grabbed my hand to do it again…and again….and again….and AGAIN. What made the whole experience the BEST was the fact that Bella said it was her GREATEST BIRTHDAY. I guess you can’t really say she has a tremendous amount of experience but it gave me a good feeling nonetheless. In her mind, this one might be difficult to make better next year….but we will try.
This would not have been the best birthday experience without a lot of help. With that I just want to wrap this post up by thanking the following people:
Centegra (Huntley) and their Kids Zone Staff and Birthday Crew
All the Parents that brought their kids out in crappy weather to celebrate Bella’s birthday
All the kids from Zion
Family that came in spite of the weather
Jewel for the great Birthday Cake (PJ Masks)
Most imporantly – Mary, Mia, Milana and of course……the Birthday Girl Bella!
Thank you all for making is a special 4th Birthday for Bella!
I know it is going to be hard for you to believe but I have a temper. I can usually maintain a pretty good demeanor in most cases but there are certain things that can trigger the inner Hulk to appear. I do not like to admit that this happens but I figure that I am human and it is natural to get pissed. After thinking about it and actually listening to other techniques on several podcasts within the past day, I have decided that I am going to try and keep the Hulk suppressed and modify my behavior.
When I get angry, my voice goes up and I have an inner fury like no other. I looked into why parents yell in the first place and not surprisingly it is because we feel overwhelmed. The stressors outweigh our normal ability to control that anger that is boiling over. In other words, we go into the critical phase lightning quick with no safety release. To me it is important to curb this behavior because the kids look at us to be role models for them. If they see that yelling is a natural response to being angry then it should come as no surprise that they will do the same thing. Not surprisingly, I have seen this time and time again when the girls have caught onto my “tactics” for sensory overload and attempt to yell their way to a successful outcome. Some sound advice from an individual that has a lot more letters after her name than I do is that after providing safety for your children your next job to to control your emotions.
Since working in the fire service, I realize that firefighters deal with significant stressors at least on the job. Our calls are not for people feeling great that just want to have us over for coffee and a chat, we deal with the bad days these people are having. In the end, firefighters seem to have the ability to figure out how to make things better which is something I hope the public appreciates. Unfortunately, when you have a long day (training, meetings, shift work, calls all day, more meetings, more training, calls throughout the night), it can lead to a reduction in our ability to handle the daily stressors including at home.
Mia not being a happy camper
So the other day, I was already lacking in sleep but went and worked at the PD. While on patrol, I received a phone call from Mary. I could tell she was PISSED OFF. She told me that she needed to walk away from a situation that occurred at home. She then went on to say that Mia and her had an argument concerning having a piece of candy before bed. Mary told her that she could not and Mia became quite angry. What can I say she is a chip off the ole’ block (hence why I need to change my behavior). Some words were exchanged which is not too surprising but what happened next raised my stress level to a 15. She said Mia attempted to kick her. I was ready to take my squad on a high speed trek home to unleash the hounds of hell on Mia. I had Mary put me on speakerphone and I did a good job of raising my voice and pretty much required her to sign over her first child to the gypsies as part of her punishment. A wise person once told me that if it feels good to you during an angry incident, you probably should not do it. BUT I DID NOT CARE. I saw GREEN!
After I had an opportunity to calm myself, I realized that I was being an asshole…plain and simple. Did I really want Mia to think this was an appropriate response when we are dealing with anger? Did I want her to use yelling as the method on how to solve her problems? Obviously, you know the answer otherwise I would not be writing this post.
I happened to find a “fatherly” podcast known as the Dad’s Edge. I have been reading the host’s book (which I will post about later) so I figured I would listen to his podcast. What he said changed my thought process (at least for now) on how to deal with things that piss us off. First, he said that kids shut us off after about 3-4 seconds of being yelled at. After that, it is kind of like the Peanuts cartoons where all you hear is “Wa Wa Wa Wa Wa”.
Obviously, this does not lead to such an optimal result. He said instead of yelling and screaming and giving direct orders, we need to create more space and ask more questions so we can bring them into the conversation. Normally, we take the easy way out and start yelling but we should be doing something like this example (dirty room):
“Hey Mia, I notice that your room looks a little cluttered, what do you think? Does it look cluttered to you?” – Response Yes it does. – “Well what do you see?” – Child responds about what they see as being wrong – “Yes I agree with you and I see all those things. Which one of those things would you like to take care of first?”
At this point you bring the child into the conversation. It gives them the ability to choose what is going to be done first. This will most likely get them to do things without a fight because of this choice. Additionally, this new approach will hopefully help me suppress in my inner Hulk from again showing up.
In conclusion, I already stated that I felt pretty shitty that I had lost my marbles with Mia over the phone. I felt I needed to “fix” this like I do other people’s lives at the firehouse. Needless to say, I got home about 0030 and everyone was sleeping. I immediately went upstairs (like I always do when I work the PD), gave her a kiss on the head and told her that I loved her. To my surprise, she reached up put her arms around me and told me that she loved me too. I told her that we would talk in the morning about what happened earlier. She said, “Okay daddy, goodnight – I love you”. Talk about one of those melting moments. UGH – I really do love being a dad.
In the morning, she came into our bedroom. I told her that we needed to have a talk. With calmer minds, we went to her bedroom and closed the door. I told her that it really hurt me what she had done to Mary. I asked her if she would have done the same to me and she replied “No”. I asked if she would have done it to her teacher, she replied “No”. I told her that she could not do that to her mommy either because it really hurt me deeply and made me look bad with Mary. I told her that I sometimes get angry with mommy and I have said some bad/hurtful things as well but we cannot do it anymore. I told her that I was going to try and get better about it so that should would not “mimic” my bad behavior anymore. I asked her if she could do the same and she said “Yes”. We then talked about a fair punishment because selling her off to gypsies was not an option. We agreed that she would lose ten stars (our way of rewarding good behavior), she would not get any special treats for a week and that I would take away her Valentine’s Day candy for a week. She agreed it was fair. We hugged and that ended it.
I’m going to be perfectly honest, it was MUCH better on me that we did it that way then what occurred the night prior. I felt good and I think she felt good that she had been heard as well. She knew there would be a punishment and we worked on it together to find a common middle ground. I am proud to say that I am trying to make things just a little more comfortable at home…and now I found a way to improve myself!
Dad I got boogers. Staying on the same theme of bodily functions…What about boogers. The little petri dishes seem to introduce all kinds of challenges to my immune systems from their “friends” at school. While I am not too fond of sick kids (I’m sure not many are) because of their crabby nature and their whininess, the boogers really make it tons of fun! AH CHOO and the boogers go out like a swarm of killer bees; all over the face, chin and making an assault on their mouths.
Wasn’t it great. Those times that you could enjoy with your eyes shut past oh like……6am?? Now the kids have taken control of my sleep. I am at their mercy. They dictate my sleep now. Oh you want to sleep til 8am? NOT! Oh you want your weekends back? NOT! The only thing that has helped is a clock that looks like a little bug. It lights up at a time that I set and the girls have been instructed to stay in bed until it lights up. I never thought it would work….figured they would just continue doing their early morning wake-ups. Surprisingly, they stay in bed even it they are up. SCORE! The best $25 dollars I have spent!
I’ve saved the best for last. I remember a day where using the sacred throne was a just that….sacred. Hell, I could sit in there for hours if I wanted to. Taking a shit was an experience! Read a book, relax, wax your eyebrows, do other man deeds….It was all fair game. Now, it has been relabeled the community center. For some reason, when I retire to the ceramic cauldron, some sort of alarm goes off in the kids heads and deep conversations need to be started and completed. While I am not going to lie I do have some of my best thinking sessions, it is probably not an appropriate time or place when all I hear is “Dad, you stink! Turn on the fan.” Interestingly enough, they will stay there anyway to continue the conversation. I try to get them to leave with my foul odor but for some reason it just draws them in….I think they are flies!
Milana did an excellent job and we had a good bonding experience. I got to enjoy here in her element where she was “calling” the shots on the guacamole. What was interesting….She does not like eating new things especially when they are green. She went ahead and asked for her own small bowl and some chips….and she ate them. My belief is because she was part of the process. It was great to see.
When the snack is done, it is time for the second leg of our bedtime ritual. This has the girls putting on their PJs, brushing their teeth and go potty. Thankfully there are not too many hurdles in the second leg….unless of course someone falls over the hurdles. Sometimes we are required to play the referee for ANY issue. Should we not fulfill our duties, hostilities between the girls might heighten OR there might be a slew of tattling which rivals any Olympic doping scandal. First, make sure that each has EXACTLY one half of the step stool when brushing their teeth. If one encroaches even 1 cm off center there is going to be a fight. Second, comes the issue of an overtired child. This can be the biggest challenge as the girls become overly emotional. They will cry at the drop of a hat and then add a nice dose of stubbornness and you have a recipe for an extended bedtime. The experts suggest that children are quite tricky when they are overtired. They act normally and then a small trigger will set them off like Mount St. Helens.
