Psst….Come in a little closer because I have a secret for you. No…A little closer. Ok…Let me lay it down for you. The secret is that all children are different and they need their individual time with their Fire Dad. Whoa this is earth shattering and dogs and cats are now living together. I might be a little slow on the uptake but this finally has hit home for me by watching the girls behaviors and my most recent meeting with Milana’s teacher. I finally have realized that each of the girls needs to have their alone time with me so I can see who they truly are.
Bella Feeling Special
The struggle that we have in our house (and it is no where near as nutty as some other people’s schedules) is that we always seem to be doing “something” and have no time that is dedicated to each individual child. Mia goes to school, comes home at about 1545 and then we spend at least an hour on homework – several books per day that she needs to read, math pages each day and then other “special projects”. I do not remember this level of homework when I was a child or that parents have to be so involved with homework. Now on top of this you have to fit baths, dinner, parent job things and “other” activities into the schedule before a bedtime of 2000. I really am fascinated at how parents get this done on a regular basis. Sometimes I think I am continually stuck in a loop like in Groundhog’s Day. I feel like I am more worn out at home than I am working at the fire department.
Unfortunately, with all this time spend with Mia, diminishes the amount of individual time with Milana and Bella. I thought we were doing a good job with giving individual time with all the girls but I was WRONG! My wake up call came recently when Milana told Mary that she “did not fit into this family”. Additionally, her teacher advised us that Milana was doing really well in school and appeared to not being challenged. These two things lead me to making some changes in how much interaction I have with the younger two so as to have her find her space in the family. I now realize that I need to focus on spending individual time with Milana and Bella as well.
Why Individual Time is Important
First, it strengthens the bond between a parent and a child. I’m guessing that it is easier with one child since they would receive all the time with their parents. When you have multiple children, there is a constant struggle with the finite time that exists. The more the kids, the less individual time for each child. Just like we enjoy individual time with our friends, the same goes for children. In groups, we act one way and completely different on an individual basis. Children will open up about things that normally would not be talked about in a group setting. This “opening up” leads to a stronger bond with the child and has them find their place in the family.
Second, individual time with a child might cut back on attention getting behavior. As stated previously, children are fighting for a parent’s attention whenever they get some have you as an audience. They will do things that normally they would not do because they want to capture your attention. We have had instances where the girls will do something just to see how we react to their behavior. They know what they are doing is wrong but they want a response. Some experts suggest that children would take negative attention if that is all that they are getting. If you provide them with a positive response and experience, the level of negative behavior would diminish.
Third, individual attention will build up self-esteem in “quieter” children. Some kids have issues with self esteem. Using the individual time to your advantage, you have the opportunity to build and reinforce your child’s self esteem. They have an opportunity to know they are special and that your love and attention are focused directly on them. With the girls, Mia is my introvert, Milana is my extrovert and Bella is just a future terrorist err I mean a good mix between the two. I can see a difference when time is spent with each girl. By taking the time to spend that “individual” time with the quiet child, you have an opportunity to draw them out and stop them from hiding in the shadows of their more extroverted child.
Fourth, individual time provides an opportunity find out your child’s desires and needs. Sometimes, their little voices get overshadowed with all of life’s daily activity. This gives a parent the opportunity to focus on what is going on with the child. It is almost like putting the child under a microscope to see what makes them tick. I have sat down with Milana and realized that she really wants to do spelling the words like Mia does and wants to read her books. She is a confident and very smart little girl that just wasn’t heard before.
Last, it gives you the opportunity to really get to know your child. It is quite interesting when the girls come home and we try to talk about what happened at school. The conversation really has all of them competing for time so you never get a full story of what happened. We seem to get bits and pieces from each girl and try to recreate it. We find that if we don’t have that one on one time with each girl, we do not find out what happened or what is going on with them. An example of this (believe me there are plenty), was with Mia and an issue at school. We could tell that something was wrong since she arrived home from school. In front of the other girls, she did not offer any information. We finally found out she had issues with classmate at bedtime when she got alone time with us. Needless to say the problem resolved itself but she was unwilling to talk about it until alone with us.
The bottom line is that parents need to find the time to make individual time with each child happen. Will it happen every day? Will it happen with both parents without fail? Well….I do it everyday without fail. LIE! I know it is a priority and try to set aside time with the girls so I can make it happen. This is something that I will focus on to try and make individual time with the girls a priority. I need to put down my computer and put other things on hold until this important time is taken care of.
What Can You Do?
Milana Working on a Project
So how do we find time in our day to make this individual time happen? Surprisingly, it does not require tremendous effort on a parent’s part but just needs to be individual time with one child. Initially, it might be difficult but setting up boundaries with the other kids so that they know it is “special time” with one child is important. Some activities that you can do include:
- Exercise – take a walk around the neighborhood together, sit-ups, jumping jacks, push ups, etc. This is a benefit for both of you!
- Chores – have them make up their bed with you, work with them to fold their clothing, put items away into pantry together.
- Read – Find their favorite book and curl up together and read together. Take turns reading to one another.
- Projects – Things need to be done around the house. Kids like to help and see what you are doing so now is your opportunity to bring them in individually.
- Errands – Take one child with you to run errands…just make sure you switch it up so that each child rotates into the “special child” position.
- Games – Play a good game of checkers, connect 4, or other special game!
- Cooking – Have a “special cook” for the night where one child ends up helping the chef make the food for everyone.
What other ideas do you have for activities? Leave a comment below to help other people make life special for their little ones!